How to avoid the busy trap: Practise saying ‘no’

Since when did the answer to the question “How are you?” become “Good. Busy”. We seem at pains to demonstrate our usefulness and value by always doing. Being busy can carry the subtext, “I’m important” or, “I don’t have time – for you”. A diary full of commitments means I am wanted, surely?

“It’s more culturally acceptable to be busy, it’s almost seen as a good thing,” says Keelin O’Dwyer, behavioural psychologist at online therapy platform Fettle.ie.

“You can get this message from your employer, from your family, or maybe you have very high-achieving friends. It can create a cycle where you get stuck in this busy loop as well.”

Upside of downtime

Busyness is fetishised but downtime is essential for our health. “It increases our self-awareness because we have that space to be with ourselves,” says O’Dwyer. This might be why we avoid it, too. “Sometimes it’s scary to sit with our own thoughts, and in that case, start with five-minute breaks,” she says. “It’s good for self-care, it’s good for resilience and it’s good for your mental, emotional and physical health. We need that time to restore and re-energise ourselves.”

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Frequent, short breaks

Slammed, manic and crazy? Working like the clappers, taking a two-week break only to return and do the same until your next holiday, isn’t right. Instead, try to operate at a more even pace, says O’Dwyer.

“Start small so that you can live your life in a way that is more manageable,” she says. “Pause throughout your work day; take moments at the end of each Zoom call to just close your eyes and take a deep breath. That can really stop the overwhelm. Those little pauses all add up.”

Review your diary, too. “Take even one or two tasks or expectations off your plate a week,” says O’Dwyer. “It’s not about having an empty calendar, it’s more about disrupting the cycle of busyness, even in small ways.”

Set boundaries

Some workplaces exalt and admire overwork. Constant connectivity and working across timezones can mean working days never end. This will mess with our productivity over time however, says O’Dwyer. “Set aside a timeframe for work, whether it’s 9am to 5.30pm or 9am to 6pm. If we have a space where work is over and we can leave our laptop, we will actually be more productive over time. We will start to accomplish our work within our set hours.”

Set expectations with colleagues that you will not be checking emails after 8pm, for example. “A lot of employers don’t want people working outside of work time. It could be a misconception you have in your head that it is required. Put boundaries in for yourself. You are being a good role model for others, too,” says O’Dwywer.

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Just say ‘no’

If your calendar is overflowing with commitments, you need to start practicing saying “no”, says O’Dwyer. “The words, ‘I should’, ‘I have to’ or ‘I must’ – if you look at your calendar and you feel these things, see what the block is with saying ‘no’. Is it because you are trying to be the best employee, the best friend or the best family member?”

Practice saying “no” to smaller things first, and then build momentum. Pick those who are supportive of you and let them know our goal, says O’Dwyer. “You could explain, ‘I’m going to start saying ‘no’ more in the service of self-care and having some down time’.”

“When we learn to say ‘no’, we leave more space for the things we want in our lives such as the relaxation we value.”

Good enough

Cleaning, cooking, entertaining – weekends can be just as overscheduled as our working week. Try to schedule some down time, says O’Dwyer. “It could mean having a weekend morning free where you do absolutely nothing – no cleaning, no cooking, no anything.”

Planning to clean the skirting boards and make a baked Alaska? Try scaling back. “Practice ‘good enough’ – do I really need all of these things done or what can I take off my plate?”