How to... stand up for yourself

Be kind, have manners, show respect – it’s nice to be nice. But what if someone steps on your toes? Queue jumpers, parking spot stealers, litter bugs – it’s like they didn’t get the memo.

“If you are somebody who is empathetic and considerate and very aware of other people, it can feel like a bit of an assault on the senses for someone to do something so contrary to what you would do,” says Louize Carroll, co-founder of PRISM Therapy Online. When someone steps outside of expected ways of behaving, it can derail us, says Carroll. This derailment can be why we find it so hard to stand for ourselves in the moment.

What’s going on?

Our reaction when someone is rude is worth examination, says Carroll.

“If someone disregards you, it could play right into feelings of inadequacy that you already have, those secret reserves of self-loathing that are not obvious on the surface,” she says. “The result can be an explosion of indignation to reassert and protect the ego in that moment.”

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Another possible reaction is a complete dissolution of self, she says: “A disintegration of your self and your confidence in that moment”. This can be paralysing and stop us from standing up for ourselves.

Or maybe you are just tired, hungry or dehydrated and that’s what the tantrum is about.

How should l react?

There is no need to go in guns blazing, says Carroll. There is a middle ground. Be assertive, not aggressive.

“Some people struggle with standing up for themselves and setting a boundary without being furious,” says Carroll. They feel that they need to do it aggressively and that to stand up for themselves requires them to get bolshie and to use strong words. They feel they have to let the other person know who’s boss.

It can be quite the “Aha!” moment for them to realise they do not have to do it that way, says Carroll. “You can still honour your own values, like empathy or compassion, whilst also saying something like: ‘I was not really okay with what you just did there. You might be in a rush, but I was here before you’.”

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Cease and desist

When you stand up for yourself, you can’t control the rude person’s response, but you will feel better having said your piece.

“The fury, anger and misery that exists after an altercation is mostly in people who don’t speak up and don’t say what they think,” says Carroll. “They spend the next 24 hours thinking about the things they could have said, fantasising about a different outcome.”

Standing up provides a sense of release. “It’s like you released something, you got it out of your system. You have discharged that energy out of your body. These things lock inside us unless we express them,” says Carroll. “Let it flow, communicate in the moment, honour yourself in the moment.”

If the person still keeps doing the rude thing, that’s on them. “You don’t have to reproach yourself. You can go home and say, well that wasn’t on me. I stood up for myself.”