I thought I’d found love at work but he says I misunderstood

Dear Roe,

I started a new job a couple of months ago, and I found myself having a strong attraction to a man in the office. We would often talk together in work, and at work events, we would always spend the evening together. It got to a point where we would sometimes even go for coffee or a drink outside of work together, and were frequently texting. I am quite a shy and quiet person. I have only ever had one other relationship, and it only last a couple of months, and in my group of friends growing up, I was never the one to receive much attention from men. For this reason, I really felt a strong connection to this man, and though we hadn’t slept together, or even kissed, I thought we were being quite intimate together and felt that we could be on the cusp of having something meaningful together. But then I learned that all this time, he has been in a long-term relationship. I was devastated, for myself, and for this other woman, but when I confronted him about his behaviour, which for me seemed to be cheating, he told me that I had completely misinterpreted our relationship, and that we were always just friends, and that he and his partner were very much in love. Unfortunately, this has made work quite challenging for me now; the man in question will no longer speak to me, and I feel that clients and our superiors can feel the tension in the room when we are supposed to be working together to move the business forward. Can you help?

I’m sorry that you’re going through this, because it does sound like you’re experiencing a lot of confusion, hurt feelings, and now a sense of isolation and tension in your workplace, which is difficult. I really do want you to be able to move forward from this and feel comfortable forging new connections with others, but to do so we need to be clear about this particular situation, which may feel difficult to hear and accept. Consider this the tough part of tough love – sometimes we need to have a bit of a hard reality check so we can move forward in ways that are healthier and more productive for us.

I think much of this situation likely stemmed from you feeling a bit isolated and lacking in connection, which led to this relationship taking on a larger significance in your mind than appropriate. (I don’t mean “relationship” here in the romantic sense, just to describe the connections we forge with others.) Moving forward, it’s going to be important to cultivate good friendships and familial relationships so that you feel seen by and connected to a variety of people. Doing so means that when you meet someone you like, you can be clear-eyed about what they’re offering you and avoid disappointment.

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

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‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

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‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

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I say this because from your own description of your dynamic with this man, there was never any indication that he was pursuing something romantic with you. Getting on well, hanging out at work events, texting, and grabbing the occasional coffee are all the actions of friends and friendly work colleagues, and nothing indicates there was anything particularly flirtatious or romantic happening. I suspect that was there ever anything more explicit that you would have included those details here.

I also think your own language and reasoning is important to note here – “I have only ever had one other relationship, and it only last a couple of months, and in my group of friends growing up, I was never the one to receive much attention from men. For this reason, I really felt a strong connection to this man.”

Projecting romantic intentions on to a platonic friendship can also hurt the other person, as it twists their intentions

By your own description, the reason you felt a strong connection to this man isn’t based in his actions, but in your own desire for attention and romance. Let me be clear: that desire is completely natural. We all want to connect with others and feel loved. But it sounds like your desire for a romantic connection generally led you to latch on to the platonic attention you were receiving from this man and build it up in your head until you were projecting romantic intentions on to a friendship. It’s okay to like someone and to have crushes, but it’s important to be aware of the difference between what you would like with someone and what they are actually offering – and not projecting too much on to them in an attempt to bridge that gap. When you do that, you create a fantasy relationship that is not there.

This can hurt you, as you emotionally invest in a fantasy and are disappointed when it is not realised. Ironically, investing in a fantasy can also close you off to other, real connections with people who are emotionally available. Projecting romantic intentions on to a platonic friendship can also hurt the other person, as it twists their intentions, assumes they are responsible for our feelings (which they are not) and can also leave them feeling betrayed, as they genuinely offered friendship only for the other person to then feel entitled to their romantic attention. (To be clear, no one is ever entitled to anyone’s romantic attention.)

[ My husband has found a new life direction – and I feel left behind ]

I also want to flag that you’re also projecting your feelings on to his relationship, which isn’t your place. You write that his actions “for me seemed to be cheating” – but what constitutes appropriate behaviour and cheating in his relationship is not for you to decide. Those are boundaries that he and his partner make together, and it is very likely and indeed normal that him having friends from work is absolutely fine with his partner. Your crush on him does not mean that these feelings were reciprocal or that your interactions with him were inherently romantically or sexually charged, and you do need to accept this.

I know that shifting your perspective on this friendship may feel difficult, embarrassing or confusing, but it will set you free. If you accept that you projected more on to this friendship than was being offered, you can start to move forward.

If (and only if) you think it would be welcome, send him a brief (literally two or three line) email saying that you apologise for the previous misunderstandings and would like to move forward as respectful colleagues, nothing more. Keep it very short and completely professional – no digressions into personal feelings or vulnerabilities or hopes for the future. You are addressing a workplace issue here, not a personal one. Then, no matter his response, move forward as a respectful colleague. Be polite and stay focused on work. This is an occasion where consistent action over time is going to do more than words ever could.

For you personally, this is a time to focus on you, your self-esteem and your life outside of this man. Use this time to reconnect with friends, take up a hobby or join a group that lets you meet new people, and do things that you really enjoy so you feel good about yourself and connected with others. I also strongly recommend you find a therapist so that you can work on your self-esteem and can think about what you want in your connections from others; how best to find that; and how to stay present in your connections so that you can appreciate them while also remaining emotionally available to people who are seeking the same thing as you. I really wish you the best of luck and hope you find a wonderful, reciprocal romance. Do the work now to make sure you’re ready for it when it arrives.

[ Am I settling in my relationship? Or am I just being realistic? ]