Am I settling in my relationship? Or am I just being realistic?

How do I know if I’m settling in my relationship?

Short question, big topic. There’s a difference between settling and being realistic. Being realistic involves treating people as fully rounded individuals, not idealised projections or Build-A-Bear style creatures where you just get to pick all your desired traits and assemble someone who exists only to serve your needs. It also involves being clear-eyed about the sticking points in your relationship and either accepting them or accepting that they will need to be worked on; understanding the need to compromise; and also being aware of your own flaws so that you’re not demanding perfection from others while expecting your own flaws and issues to be borne with indulgence and forgiveness.

When we’re being realistic about love and relationships, we understand that most relationships involve accepting even the less than perfect parts of another person and compromising on some individual preferences so that the relationship as a whole feels balanced, rather than one-sided.

Settling, on the other hand, involves compromising yourself in ways that seriously impact your happiness, fulfilment or sense of self. This could look like staying in a relationship where your fundamental needs are not being met; where you feel the need to shrink your personality or constantly perform in order to be accepted by your partner; or where you know the relationship isn’t right but stay out of a fear of being alone, of hurting the other person or disappointing others by leaving.

‘My partner’s mother has a sharp tongue and she won’t stop commenting on my weight’

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‘My crush is gay and will never love me back. How do I cope?’

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‘My ex said she wanted to marry me – so how has she moved on so quickly?’

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‘I’m an assault survivor and don’t want as much sex as my partner’

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It’s important to remember that while we often think of “settling” as being a choice people make at the start of a relationship or at points of major commitments like getting married, settling can be something that can creep up on people gradually. As relationships develop and people change, sometimes people can grow apart or their priorities shift and they can suddenly feel more stifled, unfulfilled or trapped by their relationship, but feel unable to leave.

The difference between being realistic and settling can thus often boil down to the nature of compromise in your relationship: are you making compromises with your partner to reach a solution that works for both of you, or does staying in the relationship require you to compromise on your values, core needs or personhood?

To get clarity on these questions, you may need to ask yourself what you consider to be your essential needs. Do you want children, emotional intimacy and connection, regular sex, similar lifestyles, monogamy, fun and adventure, financial stability and shared values? If your essential needs start being denied or ignored, staying in the relationship could be settling.

Think about your deal-breakers – and be careful and considerate around this one. Often, we can create an idea of the perfect partner on paper and create a list of deal-breakers accordingly, but consider whether your deal-breakers are important or whether they are based on narratives you have inherited from external forces.

Most research into relationships shows that superficial things like height, appearance, weight, job title, etc have much less impact on the quality of our relationships than we think. Deal-breakers should focus on shared values and life plans; how the person makes you feel; whether they are kind; do you feel respected by them; are you able to laugh with them; can they emotionally regulate themselves; can you manage conflict together and reconnect afterwards; and are you both willing to work with each other on the inevitable issues that will crop up in a relationship.

The Gottman Institute research on relationships claims that up to 66 per cent of problems that occur in relationships are unsolvable, and are issues that will crop up again and again over time as personalities and needs clash in repeating patterns. If couples accept this, then individuals must pick partners who they are happy to clash with, knowing that they’ll both work through it respectfully and with love.

If you are dating and believe that being under a certain height or income bracket is a deal-breaker for you, you may be missing out on wonderful people who make you laugh more than you ever have. On the other hand, if you don’t put being unkind, disrespectful, emotionally inarticulate, uncommunicative, and willing to work through conflict on your list of deal-breakers, you may end up with a partner who looks great to the outside world but makes you miserable.

Good on paper is not the same as good in person – and filled with potential is not the same as good as they are. If you’re staying with someone for potential they have shown no sign of fulfilling or in the belief that you can “fix” them, be aware that you may end up feeling like you have settled if those changes fail to materialise.

If you are in a relationship and are questioning whether you’re settling, ask yourself where that feeling is coming from. What do you like about your relationship? If your answers could work for any partner (for example, having someone to spend time with, be your date to things, to keep you company) rather than being specifically about your partner as a person, you may have an issue. Do you feel like you are compromising on your needs or feel stifled or disrespected as a person? And on the flip side, do you like and respect your partner, or does your feeling that you may be settling come from feeling superior to them? If so, how do you feel superior to them and does this difference actually impact your happiness and fulfilment or are you just wrestling with the “on paper” idea of what your relationship should look like?

If you’re in a relationship, it can also be very helpful to think about your own flaws and what your partner has to put up with and compromise on in order to be with you. When we think about all the little things that irritate us about our partners or think over the ways we have to compromise in our relationship, it can be easy to see all the negatives. But when we view our relationship from our partner’s perspective, acknowledging what sacrifices or compromises they have to make, and which of our flaws they have to put up with, this can put us into a much more balanced mindset.

Finally, a really important thing to consider is whether you are staying in a relationship just to avoid being alone. Some people want companionship and are willing to make major sacrifices and compromises to have that, but could you be happier cultivating your platonic relationships and building community in ways that make you feel connected and stave off loneliness, without remaining in a romantic relationship that doesn’t fulfil you? Can you create spaces where you feel fully loved, embraced and appreciated, and develop your relational skills in other spaces such as your family or friendships?

Not only will this bring you a sense of connectedness and belonging, it will help you understand what’s important to you in relationships, allowing you to cultivate the types of connection that enrich your life – and who knows, may leave you ready when the right person comes along.