Dear Roe,
My partner has brought up their concerns over not having enough sex throughout the week. As a victim of sexual assault, I have told them that it can be difficult for me. How can I take on their concerns regarding sex, while also being sensitive to my own trauma?
I’m going to admit, my back is up immediately. Something that I’ve been watching with absolute dismay is how the rhetoric around sex positivity is being absorbed, weaponised and spat back out by some people as plain old sexual entitlement, disguised in progressive language. Sex positivity is a philosophy that respects everyone’s sexuality and doesn’t judge others for their sexual orientations, desires or actions as long as it’s safe and consensual. Sex positivity has been incredibly important in undoing the shame that has surrounded sex for so long, and the ways in which people have been encouraged to judge and shame themselves and other people, as a means of control and oppression.
Conversations around sex positivity can include giving people permission to prioritise sex and sexual pleasure, whether that’s encouraging individuals to enjoy masturbation without shame, and telling busy couples that they are allowed carve out time for sex and schedule opportunities to have sex in the same way we schedule watching our favourite television shows or having dates — not so that people feel obligated to have sex “on schedule” if they don’t want to, but that they have saved time to connect in whatever way feels good for them at the time. I have, in the past, included suggestions like that in my advice to people, believing that it was obvious that telling people that sex is an important, joyous, pleasurable part of life that they are allowed to value absolutely does not mean that the desire for sex means you automatically have a right to partnered sex, or that the sexual desire of one person ever overrides the boundaries of another person. I increasingly fear that this was naïve, or maybe it has been clear, but some people will just find any way to justify entitlement.
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Perhaps your partner is indeed being respectful and gentle and approaching the topic with care and compassion, which is wonderful
When people have sex, they have the right for that sex to be consensual and hopefully pleasurable – but partnered sex itself is not a right, or an entitlement. No one has a right to have sex with anyone else. That is the attitude that has created and perpetuated rape culture, including the support of institutionally supported sexual violence such as marital rape which was only made illegal in Ireland in 1991; and male entitlement to sex, which is being encouraged in a new generation of men by incel communities and misogynistic public figures such as Andrew Tate.
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He was previously married, for 15 years, and has three children by his first wife.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GQ5GTH4WLVC5BKKPHJ3QLQAHGM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I don’t know why I am saying “first” wife as they have not divorced and I am beginning to lose hope. She cheated on him, and her lover moved into the family home for a long time, but that too broke up and she is now on her own with the teenage kids.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MIFNY3VVANDOZMAZ7L3SE5QQYE","additional_properties":{},"content":"My partner does not bring me to any of the kids’ events and, at first, I was relieved not to have anything to do with them, but now it feels like I am not important enough in his life. He goes to all the school meetings and to the sports events, and I know that he is meeting her there.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KSX4RRXO45AMPP3JJTRPFWYSHM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Am I crazy to think he secretly wants to get back with this wife?","type":"text"},{"_id":"5YUMBNK225FABOJTQ2ZW4AEDVY","additional_properties":{},"content":"I have met some of his family, but I’m not close with any of them and I think they disapprove of the age difference between us – I am almost 10 years younger than him. I have invested some of the best years of my life with this man, and I’ve given up on having children of my own because he said he did not want any more. I want to be central to his life but every time I bring it up, he fobs me off.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3ROYOFGFFZHKBCKAVHE3SD4BUU","additional_properties":{},"content":"My friends mostly live abroad and none of them are in stable relationships, so they are not that supportive and tell me to leave him. I love him and really want to grow old with him so feel that I have no option but to hope that he’ll see sense and ask me to marry him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OCD73TA22VDAVGO6DKYUH4EA7A","additional_properties":{},"content":"Answer","type":"header"},{"_id":"6YA4LOLD4VEYLK3Z6WCJDYDDFQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"Seven years is a long time to be in an undefined relationship, and from what you say there is no sign that the situation is going to change. Particularly disturbing is your lack of involvement in your partner’s children’s lives, as this shows how compartmentalised he has made his life.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QP7MVOSMQVG25EWA7O3LVJIMPY","additional_properties":{},"content":"You say that you love him, and this is no doubt the main reason you have stayed in such an uncomfortable situation for so long; however, the effect on you of being somewhat sidelined is intense and negative.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HQMKAURG5FCHXOVDD5EWEGUK5E","additional_properties":{},"content":"What we expect from our primary relationships is to feel secure in the knowledge of our importance – that is, that we are number one in the list of priorities in our loved one’s life. You do not have this but neither do you have another crucial factor: kindness. Your partner is not being kind to you by partitioning you off into a section of his life, and presumably you have asked to be more central and for your position to be made official.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JVXQPEUHXVEWXDGKB6J73NQSZA","additional_properties":{},"content":"‘I’ve been blind to the fact that my partner is actually married to his mother’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"KFZDX6AILVGWHE4BIVZSNO4GWU","additional_properties":{},"content":"In order to make an informed decision, we need two things, information and experience, and after seven years you have ample amounts of both. Putting off making a decision for another few years is unlikely to improve the outcome, so now is the time to muster your courage and face the reality of this relationship. You have outlined all the information that you need, and your experience has told you that the habit of so many years is set and its effect on you is soul destroying. When we are not listened to for a period of time, our confidence suffers, and you have not been heard or been validated for years, so the assumption is that your self-worth has taken a huge hit.","type":"text"},{"_id":"W5US43MRINADDKPGSH54SBJGAE","additional_properties":{},"content":"This can result in a struggle to believe enough in yourself to act with decisiveness or faith that you can do better, and so lethargy sets in. You need to invest in your own self-worth and confidence – perhaps take some time to visit those friends who are living successfully without partners, listen to their concerns for you and allow their care for you to sink in, as this may help to break the cycle of stasis in your relationship.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z72LTZDRLJAQ5MCXJF4UQLJLJE","additional_properties":{},"content":"Check if your work allows sabbaticals, or unpaid leave. If your partner reacts by inviting you back into the relationship, be clear that the only way back is divorce followed by marriage, as you have said that this is what you want. You will need support to maintain this stance, so make sure you have backup plans so you don’t slide back into familiar territory. Any action you take will contribute to your self-confidence, and with time your sense of self will grow so that you are happy to make demands for yourself. Loving someone does not mean you are blind to their faults or that you have to sacrifice your life for theirs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6MK3VDAHTZDE5P72OE6JOWLDDM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Your life is the one that needs your energy, attention and devotion, so prioritise it now.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XDRJMLJBUREHHKPSH3PD5BIHLI","type":"list"},{"_id":"J3QG7FSREZDRLHDSSJDNARLXEE","content":"