Honor says she’s not worried. She says she couldn’t give two focks.
But Sorcha’s like, “Well, you’d better give two focks. This is a serious matter. A head girl has never been expelled, Honor – not in the 170-year history of this school.”
Honor turns around to me and goes, “Your wife needs to up her hormone dose.”
Yeah, no, we’re sitting in the office of Mrs van Helsing, Honor’s English teacher, who caught her using ChatGPT to write an essay for her mocks.
Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak
I’m there to Honor, ‘You’ve never been good at school. I always thought you took after me’
‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout’
‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’
“At the very least,” Sorcha goes, “we’re looking at the possibility of you being impeached – ”
Honor’s like, “Impeached?” and she laughs in her old dear’s face.
“Yes, impeached,” Sorcha goes, “and being stripped of your position as head girl – again, something that has never happened in the history of this institute of learning.”
Honor’s there, “Like I said, I’m not worried.”
I’m like, “If you’re not worried, Honor, then I’m not worried.”
Sorcha goes, “Excuse me?”
I’m like, “I’m just saying, maybe she’s thought of a way to weasel out of it. Is that it, Honor? Have you thought of a way to weasel out of it?”
Can I just say that I want anything this woman says to be struck from the record on the grounds that she’s perimenopausal and emotionally unstable
— Honor
All of a sudden, the door opens and in walks Mrs van Helsing with a face on her as long as The Stations.
“Good morning,” Sorcha goes – straight away trying to butter her up.
Mrs van Helsing is there, “I wish I could agree that it was a good morning. But I would say it’s anything but. When one of our students is found to have cheated in an exam, it shames us all. But when that student is the head girl of the school – ”
“And can I just say,” Sorcha goes, “speaking as a former head girl myself, that that is not how Honor was raised. She wasn’t brought up to believe that the way to get ahead in this world is to lie and to cheat.”
Steady on, I think. She’s Charles O’Carroll-Kelly’s granddaughter. Where the fock does she think the money’s coming from to put her through this – yeah, no – institute of learning?
Honor goes, “Can I just say that I want anything this woman says to be struck from the record on the grounds that she’s perimenopausal and emotionally unstable.”
Mrs van Helsing’s there, “I would temper your tone if I were you, young lady. You’ve been caught red-handed passing off work that wasn’t your own. You are in a whole world of trouble.”
And that’s when I hear the door behind me open again and suddenly I have the whiff of a Partagas Valle Verde in my nostrils.
“You can’t smoke that thing in here!” Mrs van Helsing goes.
And that’s when I know that Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara has walked into the room.
“Sorry I’m late,” he goes. “What’d I miss?”
Again, Mrs van Helsing goes, “Either put it out or take it outside.”
But Hennessy’s there, “I won’t be here long enough for it to bother you.”
I look at Honor and she’s got a big, shit-eating smile on her face.
Hennessy goes, “So what’s the charge here?”
“It’s not a charge,” Mrs van Helsing tries to go, but you can see that she’s rattled. Most schools fear Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara like they would a typhoid outbreak. “Honor was caught passing off AI-generated work as her own.”
Hennessy’s there, “So her guilt has already been determined?”
“The evidence is irrefutable.”
Not to Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara – and I’m saying that from experience.
“Have you ever heard of the Constitution of Ireland?” he goes.
Needless to say, I haven’t?
“Under its terms,” he goes, “my client is entitled to be heard in her own defence.”
“You focking tell her!” Honor goes.
Mrs van Helsing is there, “Well, let’s hear what she has to say then.”
Hennessy goes, “Not by someone who has already decided that she’s guilty. Can I ask you to present the evidence that my client cheated?”
“Absolutely,” the woman goes, shuffling through her pages. “We, em, ran Honor’s essay through an AI detector – ”
“A what?” Hennessy goes.
“It’s a tool that examines text, searching for specific characteristics, such as a low level of randomness in word choice and sentence length, things that would be consistent with AI-generated work.”
“And what did this so-called tool find?”
“It found that Honor’s essay was unoriginal and her voice lacked authenticity.”
“And this, em, tool,” Hennessy goes, “much as I hate repeating the word, it’s accurate, is it?”
“It guarantees 95 per cent accuracy.”
“Ninety-five?”
“That’s right.”
“But not 100?”
“Er, no.”
Hennessy, this is a definite ‘learning’ moment for Honor? I’m not sure this is the lesson she should be taking from it
— Sorcha
Hennessy hands me his cigar to hold, then he lays his briefcase down on the desk, opens the catches and takes out two pieces of paper.
“Mrs van Helsing,” he goes, in his courtroom voice, “this is an essay that Honor wrote for you when she was in, I believe, second year, before AI technology was available. Can you read the comment you’ve written next to the F grade you gave her.”
She takes the piece of paper off the dude. She gives it the old left to right and goes, “Unoriginal.”
Hennessy smiles.
“Unoriginal,” he goes. “An interesting choice of word.”
I’m there, “I’m proud of you, Honor.”
“And here,” Hennessy goes, “is her end-of-year school report for her first year in the school. Can you read your comment about her general performance during the year?”
Mrs van Helsing goes, “Honor’s writing style is generic ... and lacks ... an authentic voice.”
“Very clearly put,” Hennessy goes. “Gimme my cigar back.”
I do what I’m told.
Sorcha’s like, “Hennessy, this is a definite learning moment for Honor? I’m not sure this is the lesson she should be taking from it.”
He raises his finger to shush her.
“Now,” he goes, “I’m going to the High Court to seek an order preventing you from issuing any penalty or punishment on my client until there has been a full hearing into what allegedly happened, for which we intend to instruct counsel. I will drag this out for months and months if necessary until my client has left this school for college.”
She won’t be going to college. I think we’ve learned that much today.
Hennessy puts the pages back into his briefcase, closes it up and heads for the door. And then he’s gone, leaving only a cloud of cigor smoke behind him.
And all I can say is, “What a man!”
