The tragic death by murder-suicide of the Hawe family in Co Cavan is outside the normal experience of most people. Parents can struggle to explain such sad events to their children and worry that, in their efforts to support their child, they will say the wrong thing and perhaps add to their distress.
For those children at the epicentre of the tragedy, the highly trained National Educational Psychological Services (Neps) psychologists are helping their schools to implement critical incident plans. Neps psychologists do not usually provide direct therapeutic input to children in these situations and their role is more around advising and supporting staff in how to best assist their pupils.
The logic is that such tragic news is best discussed in a safe and controlled environment, with people the children know and trust, rather than with strangers. A child’s response will be very individual and will, in part, depend on their age and developmental stage. It is generally agreed that children under four will not understand the significance of such events and the best approach is to try to shield them and avoid discussing it in their presence.
The biggest worry for older children aged five to 11 is that something similar will happen to them, while adolescents may experience intense sadness and loss but may not necessarily want to talk about it with you.
Do not hide sadness
If a child has any worries or concerns about the incident, it is important that they can openly discuss these. It is best to ask them if they want to talk about it first, rather than assuming they are affected.
Children take their emotional lead from those around them and it is important to be calm, reassuring and in control.
However, parents should not hide their sadness as this gives them the message that they too should hide their emotions. Parents should reflect on their own response and emotions, compose themselves and think about what they might say. They should put events in context and say that, while this seems very close right now, such events are unusual and extremely rare and unlikely to ever happen again.
Parents should be truthful but simple: Younger children do not need to know all the facts and too much detail can frighten and overwhelm them.
Older children may have already picked up a lot of detail from social media so first establish what they know and then try to correct any misinformation or rumours. Use clear language: Do not use phrases such as “on the other side” or “with the angels”. These can confuse and frighten children. Be gently clear that the person is “dead” and that this means they are not coming back.
Accept their individual response: Every child will react differently. Some children will appear unconcerned while others may be distraught; there is no right or wrong response to such extraordinary events. Accept that adolescents may prefer to get support from their friends rather than their parents , but always remain in the background in case .
Normalise reactions for them: Explain that it is normal to feel shocked, sad, anxious or worried but that this will pass. Accept that they may experience some of the normal but short-term reactions to grief and stress: fatigue, sadness, sleeplessness, anger and regression to more childish behaviours such as thumb-sucking or bed-wetting.
Monitor: Grief is a process and a child’s reaction and understanding can change with time. Parents who are still worried about their child’s reaction after two months should ask school to contact their Neps psychologist or ask their GP for a referral to your local primary care or adolescent mental health service.
And lastly, all the evidence shows the best way of supporting a child through tragedy is simply to spend uncomplicated and calm time with them. This rebuilds their sense of safety and security and enables them to understand that while terrible things happen, the world is generally a safe place.
While aimed at schools, the Neps website (see education.ie under Schools and Colleges) contains practical information around supporting children in these situations which could also be used by parents. The Irish Hospice Foundation's leaflet "Talking to Children about Traumatic Death" (hospicefoundation.ie) also contains a lot of advice.
Dr Sarah O’Doherty is a clinical psychologist