How agreeable are you?
I’m too agreeable, most of the time. I’m working on being less agreeable because when you’re too agreeable, you’re basically a doormat.
I think women are trying to change that narrative [around agreeability], but the reality is that the way that women are conditioned socially encourages agreeability and going along to get along. I try to resist that as often as I can, but sometimes that old training kicks in. I’m also a Libra, so I’m pretty agreeable by nature. I’m more agreeable than people assume, given my writing. But I’m quiet, I’m shy, I don’t talk a lot in my day-to-day life. So I’m agreeable, but I’m not agreeable just for the sake of being agreeable. I’m agreeable because that’s just my energy.
What’s your middle name and what do you think of it?
I don’t have a middle name, and I’m fine with that. My full name is only 10 letters long: very efficient.
My first name is mispelled constantly, with an extra ‘n’. It’s frustrating, but you know, there are worse things in life. I was teased for my surname in school back in the 1980s, when homophobia wasn’t exactly forbidden. People were like, “is ‘Is’ your middle name?” I used to resent my last name, but then I became an adult and was like, it’s pretty cool.
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Where is your favourite place in Ireland?
I’ve never been to Ireland, so I don’t yet know. I’m coming for a very short amount of time, but I hope to see as much as I can. I’m bringing my father, who’s also never been. I want to see, like, the beautiful waterfalls you always see in pictures. But also, I would just love to spend some time in Dublin. And I’m friends with Oliver Jeffers, who lives in Belfast. So, time permitting, I would like to go to Northern Ireland as well.
Describe yourself in three words
Intelligent, stubborn, funny.
When did you last get angry?
Well, I’m living in the US as Trump and his cronies continue to erode democratic standards in service of unchecked capitalism, racism, xenophobia, ableism and eugenics. The answer will always be “I last got angry when I checked the news”, and unfortunately, I do that every day.
I don’t get angry that much in my personal life, because I don’t have really much of anything to get angry about. But I do get angry reading how the economy is cratering, not only here in the US, but around the world. And I get angry seeing what’s ahead for us in the next several months, as well as seeing Trump continue to be an asinine dictator surrounded by sycophants who are simpering and idiotic.
What have you lost that you would like to have back?
All the time I wasted in bad relationships that were one-sided wastelands. Yes, I learned something from them, but I could have probably learned those things in other ways, without the suffering. I don’t think that suffering is a prerequisite, or should be a prerequisite, for learning important lessons. So I would love that time back.
What’s your strongest childhood memory?
The first time I went to Haiti with my parents is my most vivid memory. I can still smell the salt air, feel that hot sun, hear the sounds of the city. It was such a wonderful experience, and it was so interesting to see my parents in their homeland. It really showed me so much more of who they are.
Haiti is very underappreciated because people tend to consider it through a very narrow lens. But you know, it’s very sunny and hot and vibrant. The people there are hilarious and brilliant. The food is excellent. You know, it’s just a vibe. I really enjoy it. And of course, there are the complications, and all that beauty exists alongside abject poverty and a really broken political system, and you can’t see one without seeing the other, which I think is actually important. Nobody should look away from these kinds of problems. So it’s a complicated place. But, you know, clearly every place is reasonably complicated. Except maybe, I don’t know, Switzerland.
[ Roxane Gay: ‘We need to be more accepting of the choices we make as women’Opens in new window ]
Where do you come in your family’s birth order, and has this defined you?
I am the oldest daughter in an immigrant family, so that means I am the keeper of the parental passwords, the tech support, the travel co-ordinator, the plan maker, the confidante, and on and on the list goes. It’s okay. I like my family.
What do you expect to happen when you die?
I don’t expect anything. I will be dead.
I never bought into an afterlife. I went to church with my parents when I was a kid, because my parents are actually very faithful, very religious, but never in an oppressive way. And so I actually love that they have that kind of faith. I wish I could, but the idea that there’s heaven and hell, and that if you’re good enough, you go to heaven ... But you’re being told this by people who molest children. Like, please. No, I just find it very hard to believe.
I do believe that there’s a higher power, and that we should all be good to one another. And I think that the Ten Commandments are, in general, a good way of thinking about how to treat people and how to be in the world. But when it comes to the afterlife, I just don’t know, and I also don’t care, like, because I’ll be dead. So like, whatever happens next is none of my business.
When were you happiest?
I am probably now the happiest I’ve yet been, and it’s because my wife has opened up the whole world for me and being with her is an exciting adventure every single day. Coincidentally, when I met her, I was also old enough to appreciate and be able to reciprocate that love in nontoxic ways. And to just be more comfortable with myself alone. Which is, I think, incredibly important for people to do.
I think happiness means feeling at home. And that means feeling comfortable, feeling safe, being able to feel and appreciate joy, taking pleasure in the small things, having time to do what you want, how you want to do it, being able to do work that you find satisfying and fulfilling, but that will also pay your bills – which is such a rare thing for so many of us. So I think it’s just a combination of all of the things in your life working well. And it doesn’t mean that everything is perfect, because it just never is. And unfortunately, life continues to happen. But you know, I think when you’re happy, you are better positioned to tolerate the difficulties and the losses and the suffering that comes along with.
Which actor would play you in a biopic about your life?
Dana Owens aka Queen Latifah.
What’s your biggest career/personal regret?
My biggest regret is the lost time I would like returned – allowing myself to stay in bad relationships where I was not treated well, thinking I didn’t deserve any better. I think we all aspire to a no-regrets lifestyle. I try to, especially in my 40s and now my early 50s, live my life in such a way that I won’t have cause for regret, and that has been a great choice for me. But I think everyone has regrets, and I certainly have some.
Have you any psychological quirks?
Do I? Of course. I will share one. I never go around the house barefoot. I wear sandals, even in the shower. And yes, I do wash my legs and feet.
In conversation with Kate Demolder
Roxane Gay will be in conversation with Roe McDermott at the International Literature Festival Dublin on May 22nd
