How to ... say no

We can feel bad about saying no. Declining an invitation, turning down work or saying you just can’t help this time can make us feel guilty. “People can feel, if I don’t say yes I’m selfish. I would always say, replace that word ‘selfish’ with ‘self-care’,” says Majella Kennedy, a counsellor certified with the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (IACP).

When someone asks you to do something, check in with yourself. “Ask yourself, do I have time to do this thing, does it fit with my other commitments – that’s my self-care to me,” says Kennedy.

But I don’t want to disappoint

It can feel easier to say yes, even if it’s something you really don’t want to do. “Our reflex is to say yes and to want to please,” says Kennedy. Sometimes that comes from fear. “If we have low self-esteem, our fear might be, what will they think about me?” says Kennedy. “Really, the only approval we need is our own approval.”

If you always say yes, question why that is. It can come from a fear of conflict. Tease out what is behind your tendency to overcommit.

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Say yes to you

Saying yes when you mean no comes at a cost. “We make ourselves more anxious – ‘how am I going to juggle all of this?’” says Kennedy. Suppressing our needs can manifest as anger or depression. “It creates turmoil,” she says. “You can end up feeling exhausted and resentful and this can damage your relationship with the requestor.” Saying no upfront is far better for a relationship than simmering resentment.

Saying no isn’t negative. “Try looking at things differently. Saying no to others means saying yes to yourself. I’m taking care of me and looking after me and that’s okay,” says Kennedy.

Collateral damage

If you are the person who can’t say no to more commitments, this can have consequences for your loved ones. “It might mean you are delegating things to them that you said you would take care of,” says Kennedy. If you are the ever-reliable worker, club member or community volunteer, think about the person left picking up the slack on the home front.

Take a beat

If someone asks for something but you are not sure if it suits you, buy yourself some time rather than saying a rabbit-in-headlights yes. “If I say yes straight away, but have other things planned, then I have a dilemma. I have chaos in my own life,” says Kennedy. “My best tip to anyone is to say, ‘Can you give me a minute just to think about that and I’ll come back to you?’ Give yourself some time out.”

Practice makes perfect

Saying no takes practice. If you find it hard, try practising in front of the mirror. “Or make an audio clip of yourself and listen back to it,” says Kennedy. And make sure your no is a clear one. “Sometimes we want to say no, but what we are saying is ‘maybe’. It’s about being as assertive as you can in that moment and not leaving any doubt so that the other person isn’t still wondering, are we going to do it or are we not going to do it.”

No doesn’t need a big explanation either, or unnecessary fibs, says Kennedy. “That’s the worst thing you can do, because then you beat yourself up about what you said. Practise saying no to small things so that when the bigger things come, you can be assertive.” Be nice of course. You could say, “I’d really love to be able to help, but unfortunately on this occasion, I’m not available.”