'We're married with a toddler and Covid has destroyed our sex life'

Dear Roe,

My wife and I have been together for four years and have a two-year-old child. Covid has been very difficult because we don’t live close to family and my work was massively scaled back. Our finances have been a struggle and we’re both just exhausted, trying to work from home with a toddler without help. We didn’t have sex for five months at one stage. We read a column of yours about scheduling sex and did try to do that, but my wife then said that felt like even more pressure. She says she does want to have sex and connect, but feels so tired and stressed that she’s never in the mood, which I do understand. Any advice?

I’m sure there are so many parents of young children who completely relate to your situation, and I want you both to acknowledge just how hard this is, for three reasons.

Firstly, the difficulties of Covid can seriously affect the mental health of new parents and increase the risk of depression and post-partum, so please discuss this with your doctors (and therapists, if applicable). Everyone needs to get very comfortable discussing both their mental health and their libido with their doctors, as a lowered libido is a very common side effect of stress and depression (among many other health concerns). Telling your doctor means you can start tackling the root cause.

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Secondly, acknowledging how difficult this is might allow you to reach out to friends and family for the support you need – more phone or Zoom chats, asking for some meal trains, asking people who do live close to meet for a walk, or asking someone to babysit outdoors so you get a break. There are also parent support groups online where you might find some connection and support.

Thirdly, it’s important for you and your wife to acknowledge how hard life is right now so that you can both talk about your feelings, your needs, your sex life – and forgive yourselves for being stressed right now.

A lowered sex drive is a natural, physical response to stress and exhaustion, and it makes complete sense that your sex life has been affected. But it seems like your wife in particular is feeling guilty about not having sex, and guilt can create a painful feedback loop where the pressure to feel aroused shuts down your sex drive fully.

By talking about your emotions and sex life, and reassuring one another that you love each other, are attracted to each other, and that there are no obligations, demands or failures when it comes to your sex life, you may alleviate this internalised pressure.

Scheduling sex can sometimes help couples get out of a sexual dry spell. It is of course not a way of demanding that anyone has sex when they don’t want to, but simply prioritising sex by making time for it. But how about scheduling time not for sex, but for intimacy? That could involve cuddling or talking in bed, having a date night at home, giving each other a massage, or having a good old-fashioned kissing session on the couch, with no expectations.

By taking sex out of the equation and focusing on just connecting in the moment, hopefully you will start feeling more emotionally connected and mutually supported, which you both deserve.