Dear Roe,
My husband and I have been married for seven years and have two gorgeous children. Our life together is pretty great, though of course we have less time, energy and money for romance or quality alone time. This has taken a toll on our sex life, and we’re lucky if we have sex once a month.
Because we’ve been together for so long and our life is decidedly unglamorous, I find it hard to try be “sexy” or “seductive” with him. And to be honest, sometimes if we’re going to bed, if the choice is to have sex or get an extra few minutes sleep, I’ll take the sleep, no question.
We have talked about it and my husband suggested that we try “scheduling” sex and sticking to it, no matter what. I find the idea a bit weird and transactionary and like it goes against ideas of fun and consent – what do you think?
I understand the mental hurdle you’re struggling with, and if your husband were suggesting that you sign a contract and would suffer legal ramifications if you refused to have sex with him, you’d have a serious issue.
But scheduling sex as a couple isn’t about punishing each other for saying no – it’s about giving yourself the time, space and permission to say yes.
Life, as you have discovered, can be busy and difficult and draining. And at those times, it can be hard to prioritise feeling sexy, both individually and together. That could be fuelling some of your insecurity around being seductive with your husband – a sense that seduction is frivolous, for young couples in the throes of passion, not for married couples with children and Very Important Priorities.
But you can choose to prioritise sex – because of course, this isn’t just about sex. Sex is about pleasure, fun, intimacy and connection. Sex causes increased production of oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feeling of happiness and closeness; it’s known as the bonding hormone or “love hormone” for a reason.
Having regular sex can help you feel more connected with your partner, and can be its own delightfully self-perpetuating circle; the more sex you have, the more connected you feel with your partner, and the more sex you want.
Scheduling sex can help you with the initial phases of re-integrating regular sex back into your routine. Start with setting a goal for you and your husband, for example, having sex once a week.
Be realistic about when this is likely to happen – will it be at night time, or will you have more energy during the day while the kids are napping? Doing so will just give you and your husband permission to carve out time for yourselves and to prioritise each other.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to creating a lingerie and candlelit-filled production immediately, just enjoy having some time to yourselves.
But when you get used to the idea that scheduling time for yourselves should be a priority, see if you can work in some more dates or romance into your schedule, too. Your marriage and connection is a priority – allow it to be.
