Dear Roe,
I’m reaching out because I’m struggling with the sudden distance between me and a friend I’ve known for over 14 years. We became very close in college, but about two years ago, he suddenly stopped responding to my calls and messages. I’ve tried to figure out what happened, but I’m at a loss. I even confronted him once, expressing that I hadn’t heard from him in ages, and he just brushed it off, saying he was really busy. The last time I saw him was over a year ago. We had a good time, but even then, I couldn’t shake the feeling that he was distant. It’s been so disheartening, and I can’t help but wonder what I’ve done wrong. He used to live abroad and would call me often, but after he moved to Dublin, I barely heard from him. Then, without telling me, he moved to Cork. I’ve tried calling him several times, but he never returns my calls. If he does reply, it’s always weeks later, and it’s only ever a text – never a phone call. For context, he’s gay, and we’ve always had a completely platonic relationship. We were very close friends, and I valued that connection deeply. So it’s especially confusing and hurtful that I’ve lost touch with him like this. I can’t help but feel rejected, especially since he was such a close friend during college. I really valued our friendship, and it hurts to see how much things have changed. I’m wondering if I’ve simply lost him, or if I’m not trying hard enough to stay in touch. Should I consider visiting him in Cork to try and reconnect, or would that be too much? It’s hard to accept that I’ve lost such an important connection, especially since I have a small but close-knit group of friends. Do you think this is something I can salvage, or should I just accept that our friendship has run its course?
I’m sorry for the hurt and confusion you’re feeling right now. Fourteen years is a hugely significant amount of time, and I’m guessing this friendship was important and formative for you.
Your grief over this loss is understandable and valid. Losing any connection is difficult. When that loss happens gradually, it can feel more confusing, and when it’s a friendship – a relationship that we don’t have a break-up script for – that loss can go unrecognised, making it even harder to process. You’re experiencing heartbreak, even if it isn’t always acknowledged as such.
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You mightn’t even have acknowledged it to yourself yet, because you’re still in the bargaining stage. You’re obsessing over the “why” of this situation, the why of your friend’s retreat. When someone we love drifts away without explanation – a friend, a romantic interest, a family member – it can feel like a mystery that we must crack. If only we knew why – why he pulled away, why he stopped calling, why things changed – then maybe we could fix it. Or at the very least, maybe it would hurt less. But here’s the truth: your obsession with the why is an avoidance of what is.
Right now, what is is the reality in front of you: your friend has distanced himself. He is not showing up in the friendship the way he once did. And instead of accepting that, your mind is desperately trying to spin a reason, a justification, a story that makes it make sense. Because if you could just understand it, maybe you could control it. Maybe you could fix it. Many of us have been here. After a friendship ended, after a romantic break-up, after a parent or family member didn’t give us the love we wanted, after a situation didn’t go as we planned. It’s a coping mechanism. When confronted with inconsistent affection, so many of us cope by trying to understand why. We think, “if I can just be better, if I can just figure out what I did wrong, maybe they’ll come back to me”.
But some things aren’t meant to be understood. Some things are just meant to be felt. I can sense the self-doubt and self-blame in your letter, the way you’re wondering what you did wrong and how you could fix it. But based on your letter, the distance seems to be entirely about him, not you. People can drift away for all kinds of reasons that they don’t always have the awareness, words or courage to explain. Sometimes, they are overwhelmed by their internal struggles, changes in identity, or shifting priorities. Sometimes, they pull away not because they don’t care, but because they don’t know how to show up in the way they once did.
I don’t know your friend’s reason, but I know he has one – and I’m willing to bet that it’s about him, not you. The end of this friendship isn’t a failure on your part. This isn’t a reflection of your worth. This is simply a truth of life: some relationships are meant to last forever, and others are meant to shape us for a time before changing, fading or ending. At some stage, you will have to accept that. Doing so will be hard because accepting that his reasons aren’t about you will mean surrendering the hope that the answer, the solution, the fix is in your control. But maybe this distance is the answer your friend needed. This reality is what he has chosen, and what you must start accepting.
You’ve already reached out to this person. You’ve called, you’ve texted, you’ve even travelled to see him. And when you did confront him about the distance, he brushed it off. That tells me that, for whatever reason, he isn’t ready or willing to engage deeply in this conversation. So the question isn’t really, “am I trying hard enough”? but “is he showing me that he wants to be in my life”? Right now, his actions are giving you an answer. And as painful as it is, that answer seems to be that he’s either unwilling or unable to maintain the connection in the way you once had.
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Right now, the work isn’t in analysing why this is happening or trying to fight against it. The work is in allowing yourself to grieve the loss of what was. To sit with the sadness, the disappointment, the anger, and let it move through you instead of intellectualising it away. And I know that feels hard. It feels like giving up. But it’s not. It’s accepting things that are beyond your control, and choosing not to chase after love and connection from people who aren’t offering it to you.
So, should you visit him in Cork? No. Not because you don’t care, but because you’re going to respect both of you. He deserves to have his boundaries respected and you deserve friendships that don’t leave you feeling like you have to prove your worth. This friendship is important to you. It can remain important you even if it doesn’t continue. You can be grateful for everything it has offered you and taught you while allowing it to end. It will hurt. And that’s okay. But let it just be a feeling of hurt. Not self-doubt, not self-blame, not shame. Not a puzzle you need to solve. Just pain that needs to be felt, so that one day, you can truly let it go.
Give yourself permission to grieve this. And then, when you’re ready, give yourself permission to redirect your energy toward the people who show up fully for you. Your heart deserves that.
