Dear Roe,
I have a really nice circle of friends mostly from college but some I’ve had from before college. I feel really lucky. This is why I feel guilty that I still miss the friend who ghosted me a year ago. We had been friends all throughout our teens and we’re now in our twenties. I considered them to be one of my closest friends. I’ve had experiences of drifting from friends before but it never hurt as much as this. Before they started to drift from me I realised that I liked them as more than a friend but I never told them. They never explicitly said they liked me but they did allude to it in a flirty, not-so-subtle way. I didn’t really know how to respond and I never addressed it even though I really liked them. I regret not sharing how I felt. They gradually stopped reaching out. Our conversations felt forced and after spending time with them one day I felt really down, which was unusual. Despite this odd dynamic that had developed, I felt that maybe it was temporary and I didn’t want to lose them. I invited them to something that was important to me and my other friends showed up but they didn’t. I tried to see it from their perspective (like perhaps they didn’t know anyone, or had something personal going on). I felt and still feel guilty because instead of having focused on the friends who showed up I was sad about the one person who didn’t. A few months later I asked them to hang out one to one. They never replied and I haven’t heard from them since. Many months have passed. I’ve talked about it to my friends and the consensus is to move on. I don’t want to keep talking about it with them because I feel I should have moved on from this by now. Although the situation influenced me feeling hurt I can’t overlook all the good parts of the friendship and I miss it but I also don’t want to reach out again. I thought I was over it but maybe I’m not given that I took the time to write this. If you have any advice or insights I would really appreciate it.
I’m struck by how many times in your letter you use the word “should” and talk about feeling guilty for either experiencing or talking about your feelings, or for caring about this friend. You seem to have set up an equation in your head where because you have a group of good friends, it’s somehow disrespectful, unfair or a betrayal of them to care strongly about this person, or to be grieving that you no longer have a relationship with them.
I wonder where this sense of guilt is coming from. Where did you learn that you just need to be grateful, and aren’t allowed to want more, need more, or feel sad that a person who is important to you is no longer in your life? Is this an attitude you have in your life, where you somehow feel like you don’t deserve to ask for more or to prioritise your needs?
Or is this a dynamic that exists in this particular friend group, where everyone is expected to like everyone equally and any closer intimacies or shifts in dynamics is somehow treated as a betrayal of the group? Having a core group of friends can be really wonderful and life-enriching, but group dynamics can sometimes become limiting, as people are often expected to sacrifice individual needs and even individual evolution in favour of keeping the group structure safe. This reluctance to challenge the status quo might not always be explicit or even conscious, but it can sometimes manifest in groups resisting certain people dating each other, or expressing a form of suspicion or disapproval if one person starts changing or moving away from previously established roles or dynamics. I wonder if there’s an attitude in your group that your strong feelings about your former friend are somehow threatening to or disrespectful to the others? If so, I think it will be important and helpful to recognise that dynamic so that you know that your grief and desire to process losing this friendship is normal and healthy. Your friends’ inability to understand that or help you process this isn’t a sign that your feelings are wrong, it’s simply a limitation caused by their insecurity and tight grip on a particular group dynamic. Here’s where a therapist might be helpful, giving you the space to talk about what this relationship meant to you and your current grief.
Let me gently warn you about the dangers of falling into a “The one who got away” narrative
None of this is this a sign to throw away your friends, by the way; groups, like individuals, can have some flaws and still be important to us. But becoming aware of what the limitations of the group are can help you to create some healthy distance and not take the groupthink personally.
Your friends may be well intentioned in telling you that you need to move on, but that’s often easier said than done – especially when you don’t feel able to discuss your feelings openly. While we have a lot of social scripts for processing the end of a romantic relationship, there’s still a shaming social silence around the end of a friendship that often prevents us from talking about the pain and heartbreak involved in losing an important connection. The unclear nature of how this friendship ended also adds to the confusion, the way that ghosting always does – leaving unanswered questions and uncertainty.
Unfortunately, it seems that this person is no longer interested in being in your life, and right now, the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to accept this sad fact, process what the relationship meant for you, and give yourself the closure this person is not offering you.
Think about what you appreciated about this friendship, what you loved about this person, and what it brought out in you. Are there ways you can honour those things by continuing to bring them to your life, and seeking out those qualities in others? Think about what you learned from this person, your dynamic and the end of this relationship, and express gratitude for those hard-earned lessons. And create a ritual for yourself to say goodbye to this person, giving yourself the closure you haven’t received from them. This could be writing a letter to them, thanking them for good memories, expressing sadness for the end of your friendship, and wishing them well. Write it but don’t send it – this is just for you. Or ask a friend to let you express your sadness around the end of this friendship and to give you the support they would if you were going through a romantic break-up, whether that’s a weekend of sappy movies and talking about them and crying, or doing something to treat yourself.
I also want to note that it seemed like when this person offered you the possibility of some deeper connection, you shied away from it. I understand feeling regret around this decision, but let me gently warn you about the dangers of falling into a “The one who got away” narrative. While regrets and grief are normal, continuing to obsess over someone from the past can be a way of keeping other, new connections at a distance. Try to come out of this experience committed to grasping opportunities for intimacy and connection where you can, and to being open about you feel.
The pain will fade. The lessons you take from this experience will stay. Let’s make sure those lessons are ones that help enrich your life, not limit it.