‘I am working with a very difficult person and it is having a huge effect on my life’

Question

I am working with a very difficult person and it is having a huge effect on my life. I’ve always had an idea of how my working life would go and how I could reach the heights that I know I’m able for, but my current situation is damaging me to the extent that I almost want to leave and forget the whole career thing.

I am in my 30s and have worked hard and moved through the industry until I got to this job that is really a dream for me. I get to use my qualifications and I have a creative and well-remunerated job that would have been my dream when I was younger. All was going very well until one of my colleagues left and the person they have recruited in her place is causing me all kinds of upset. We are equal in terms of position, but the department is small, and we are forced to work together. She is always saying how talented she is, and she takes over every meeting with her opinions and her (often false) claim that she is the main person responsible for all the progress we make.

She seems to love conflict and so anytime I try to broach the unfairness of her taking all the credit, she digs in, and I’m left speechless and resentful. Honestly, I think our manager is also afraid of her, so she gets whatever she wants, and I feel totally overshadowed. I know that my work has suffered, and I now suffer from anxiety every Sunday evening when I think of what I have to face into going back on Monday.

I would leave if there was another job to go to, but this work is specialised, and I think I’d have to leave the country to get a position as good. My worry is that if I continue to stay in this job, I will lose all my confidence and all my hard work and dedication will come to nothing.

‘I am worried about my sister. She seems to have given up on life’

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‘I now realise that my son is in a narcissistic relationship, completely controlled and manipulated’

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‘I am struggling to help my two children, who still live at home. They are both very isolated’

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‘My family don’t particularly like me and I despair about retiring and spending more time with them’

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Answer

There is no doubt that one of the biggest causes of distress in the workplace is having to work with difficult people. The danger is that we become so absorbed by this person that our capacity, talent and wellbeing can all disappear while we fume and rage about the injustice. It is worth investigating this phenomenon as there is nearly always something we can do. Mostly, we believe that the difficult person is causing us to feel angry and resentful. The problem with this is that we also believe that we have no choice but to be subject to these feelings until the difficult person either changes character or leaves the workplace.

However, the truth is that we are in charge of our own feelings and, in some way, we allow the difficult person to decide how we feel on any given day and are frustrated at how we are being manoeuvred or manipulated. The seriousness of this situation is not to be underestimated as our sense of value and confidence is often linked to the work we do and very quickly we can sink into a sense of hopelessness and helplessness.

The first step is to accept that the difficult person is actually difficult, and you are not dreaming it – they may be arrogant, domineering, rude and insensitive. If you look at this list of qualities, you can see that they belong to a person who is in need of help but who may be ignorant of this. As you realise that your own frustration and resentment may be blinding you, to the extent that you keep trying the same interventions over and over, you may clear your head enough to see what might work. This leads to the second step: observe what is needed and have the courage to take action on it. This might be making a complaint, talking to HR about how to tackle such a situation or requesting a different workspace from your manager (this is something your manager should provide in spite of their own nervousness in this situation).

[ ‘I have not had contact with my siblings for many decades, nor did I attend my parents’ funerals’ ]

You say your difficult person loves conflict and so taking action might be challenging for you as you anticipate a kickback from her if you make a complaint. However, not doing this might entail leaving a job that you are well suited to and not only this, but you might leave with your confidence in shatters and your sense of faith in the worked seriously dented.

Do you really want this person to have that much influence and control in your life?

Would everyone (you, your team and the organisation) benefit from this person addressing their behaviour? If the answer is yes, then finding your voice (you say you have been rendered speechless) and using the workplace policies that exist for this purpose, will serve you and everyone else well.

You too have an influence, and you must decide what you want this to be and this is the third step – where you take charge of your own emotional ground and decide what you want it to be. This will require self-awareness and determination, but it should lead to a sense of agency and freedom that will grow with practice. Take back your own state of mind and face the fact of bad behaviour that you are meeting every day.

Then address this by using the structures that are in place and if these prove useless, at least you will have a choice of leaving with your sense of self intact.

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