New job, new city, new you? Moving to a new town or country for work is an exciting prospect that creates all kinds of possibilities for professional and personal development. Once you get there, you’ll see the sights, experience a new culture and might even pick up a few hobbies, sports and a partner along the way. Or will you?
A new life away from our families and free from Irish social expectations and cultural norms can sound appealing. But after the novelty wears off, many people struggle to adjust. Although your employer will want to help you settle in quickly, it’s not their job to provide you with a social life, hobbies or friends. How can you avoid the loneliness trap in your new location?
Rachel Rushe, founder of the Lost and Found in Sydney Instagram and Facebook group pages, knows a little something about social isolation. She moved to Australia from Dublin in March 2020 to work as a nurse.
Rushe arrived just as the Covid shutdowns began. For two years, she worked 70-80 hour weeks to help with vaccinations during the public health emergency but didn’t socialise much as she lived in an apartment with her Australian boyfriend.
They lived in a part of the city with few Irish expats, and she felt isolated. “Unless you’re already a part of the main community that lives in those areas – Australian, Asian, British – it’s hard to make friends.”
Location is everything, says Rushe, so you really need to do your homework no matter what city or location you’re moving to. “Different suburbs have different vibes. Get to know the neighbourhoods.”
Once things started to open up again, she moved to the eastern suburbs where the most popular beaches are located. “Coogee is the Irish area, Bondi is the British and Bronte is a mix with Irish, British and a bit of everything.”
In August 2022, she created her Lost and Found in Sydney pages.
“I just wanted to create my own space where I could post activities that interested me and see if people wanted to join me. I posted an Instagram ad for Irish in Sydney on Facebook. For the first event, two people came even though I’d ordered 30 burgers 30 cans of coke, a BBQ and a gazebo. The next day I posted about going to Manly Beach and five people came,” says Rushe.
“After that, we did a sunrise swim and walk and I posted a video. People started asking online if we did that often. Forty people appeared the next day. Then we started having evening events like Taco Tuesdays and Wing Wednesday and things took off.”
Her advice to anyone considering a move is that friends won’t just appear like they do at home. When you’re from a small country where most people have a connection, it’s daunting and nerve-racking to meet new people.
“You really have to put the work in when you’re in a new place. You have to make yourself vulnerable with people, share a bit about who you are with them, ask them for their number at the event so you can meet them another time.”
Follow-up is key: “It won’t be just put into your hand, so you really have to make an effort.” You also have to go back to the same event or activity time and time again. Meeting someone once isn’t going to make them your friend for life.
You might be tempted to go on a social media detox once you move, but that’s not the time to do it. Rushe says social media is the best tool to find people. Simply do a search for “how do you meet new friends in ... your city name ... and many options will pop up.
MeetUp.com, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook and Eventbrite have numerous “how to make friends” city pages and event listings. There are groups for women, men and couples too.
You’ll find people immediately if you’re doing things that align with the way you are. My activities reflect my values. You want to find good friends to do the same things, but also find those who push you out of your comfort zone
— Rachel Rushe
In Sydney, Rushe organises meetups on her Instagram page but also publicises others’ events such as Bondi Beach Babes, Sydney Working Holiday Girls, various yoga, Pilates and kayaking classes, plus sunrise swims and walks and even group ski trips. Running clubs are hugely popular too in every city.
Interests and values
Making friends in London, Toronto, Berlin, Singapore, rural Canada or even an Irish city should involve exploring the location’s diverse offerings, doing everything from joining clubs and sports leagues to volunteering and attending events.
Focusing on shared interests and values, whether through hobbies or volunteering, can make connecting with like-minded individuals easier.
If you don’t drink and you’re not sporty, many options are still available. Most locations have photography or film clubs, language classes, art classes, political activism/campaigning or volunteering opportunities, history, architecture and food tours, plus nature or hillwalking groups.
In Australia many of the events can be alcohol-oriented, says Rushe, but there are plenty of other options.
“Some people feel they need alcohol as a social lubricant. When I started Lost and Found, I went to every event and was drinking at all of them. But I hated feeling terrible all the time, so last March I gave it up along with vaping.
[ I moved to London certain that I’d eventually return home. Now, I’ve settledOpens in new window ]
“You’ll find people immediately if you’re doing things that align with the way you are. My activities reflect my values. You want to find good friends to do the same things, but also find those who push you out of your comfort zone.”
Everyone has social anxiety before they go to an event, even an extrovert like Rushe. People will text her before a meetup and say, “I’m too scared, I don’t know anyone,” but everyone feels exactly the same, she says.
“People going to those groups are not going to be nasty or mean. They all want to find friends and meet new people.”
Make it a habit
Bestselling book Atomic Habits by James Clear says significant life improvements come from small, consistent changes and emphasising the power of compounding habits over time, rather than focusing on large, one-time efforts.
It’s challenging, but having discipline makes a huge difference. “It’s like trying to get a job. You have to schedule it in even on days when you’re not feeling it,” says Rushe.
To start, think about establishing a “one a week rule” for yourself. No matter how rotten you might feel, make a commitment to yourself to explore one new spot in your area each week. This could be a coffee shop, arts venue, park, beach, market or exercise class.
If you have connected with people on social media, arrange to meet them in person. Say hello to everyone you see and try to start a conversation with those who might seem open to it.
Remember to be proactive. Take the initiative to introduce yourself, smile and make eye contact. Try to be open to new experiences. Just because you’ve never tried playing Mahjong or hiking or surfing doesn’t mean you can’t do it now. Say yes to every invitation that comes your way.
Moving to a new place provides significant life lessons – from independence and how to run a home, to spending and saving habits – but most of all, you learn who you are and how to become the person you want to be instead of the person others expect you to be.
Margaret E Ward is chief executive of Clear Eye, a leadership consultancy. margaret@cleareye.ie
