When you move to Australia, Irish people around you will attempt to prepare you for the move in the time-honoured way – through horror stories.
Their third cousin whose leg was bitten off by a great white shark in water 2ft deep. They swear he was only paddling. The colleague who found a spider in their bed so large it was wearing a smoking jacket and turning the pages of a collected works of PG Wodehouse with its front two legs. Every Irish relative they’ve ever known who went to Australia either developed melanoma instantaneously, or simply burst into flames the moment the ablative foreign sun hit their big Irish head on the runway.
Even apart from the fact that I’m beginning to suspect arachnophobia is a psyop concocted by Irish mammies who would understandably prefer their children not to emigrate to another hemisphere (I haven’t yet seen a single spider one year in), these stories are unhelpful, though nobody would disagree that they’re pretty thrilling.
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But here’s a thing that might actually be helpful – preparing for the lengthy, physically uncomfortable flights you’ll need to take to get there. My-four-year-old niece stared at me in horrified delight when her dad told her I’d taken four planes to come and visit her. It was the precise expression an adult wears when watching someone fall over on public transport, their bag hitting the floor and a series of embarrassing personal items spilling out all over the place. A half-finished bottle of gin, a copy of Hunks in Trunks and a signed photo of Vladimir Putin. Uncomfortable, fascinating stuff.
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Since friends or family giving Irish emigrants (or anyone visiting an Irish emigrant) helpful information is forbidden in our culture, you can rely on me to do it for you. Whether you’re headed to Australia via Singapore, Doha or somewhere else, here is what I have learned the hard way on the 30ish-hour journey to save you discomfort and prepare you for what is objectively a pretty intense trek.
1) An incredibly long flight is only as peaceful as whoever you’re sitting next to
You knew that already, but on that first 15-hour leg to Singapore, it really, really matters. You need earplugs. Not the ones they give you in economy – proper ones. Loop make a decent pair. So no matter whether you’re next to a snorer, a chatter or an out-loud-laugher-at-crap-films, you don’t have to be stuck in auditory hell.
2) Consider your seat
The window seat will allow you to sleep undisturbed but the aisle seat will give you unimpeded bathroom access and freedom to move about. Decide which is most important to you and choose accordingly. A middle seat is to be avoided at all costs, especially if you’re travelling alone.
3) Be careful what you eat
On long flights, airlines feed you badly, and often. Personally, I think it’s to give you something to do with your face so you remain passive and don’t mutiny. The change in air pressure at high altitudes causes gases in your intestines to expand. In other words, people get horribly gassy on flights and the result can be… malodorous and unpleasant. You know your own stomach and what it can tolerate – with the inevitable gaseous lament that will come, the flaccid fried cheese pastry thing they give you at 6am might be a bad call.
4) Wear natural fibres and nothing with a tight waistband
The waistband is because of point three above. You’re sitting in a metal cylinder full of gaseous human effluent rocketing through the sky. The last thing you need is the waistband of your jeans digging into your weirdly distended abdomen. Opt for something breathable and cosy – but not too warm – that won’t restrict your movement. Cotton is great, as is silk. Linen works too but creases horrendously after 20-plus hours of wear.
5) Download an app to minimise jet lag
I like Timeshifter, but there are others. The jet lag travelling to Australia is no joke. These apps give you an ideal scenario itinerary to follow starting two days before your flight, advising when is best to sleep, drink caffeine (or avoid it) and expose yourself to strong light. Even if you can’t follow it exactly, I’ve found it really helps – I managed to get away with very little jet lag during my recent trip home.
6) Prepare for dry air
On very long flights, your skin, lips and nose can become very dry, irritated and uncomfortable. A spray for dry noses (I like Neilmed Dry Nose Spray – an unglamorous but brilliant product) prevents your nasal passages and sinus area from getting dry and irritated. As someone who used to get a sinus infection after every flight, I now find I have no sinus issues after landing. Some Vaseline applied liberally with a cotton bud just inside and around your nostrils (again, unglamorous but it eliminates discomfort) also really helps. Moisturising your face and hands and applying lip balm should help too.
7) Bring a toothbrush and toothpaste in your carry-on
You will need it more often than you think. Dry shampoo is also a good call.
8) Bring water on to the flight if you have space in your bag
Yes, they’ll give you water if you ask. Depending on the airline, it’s often poured from a jug into a precarious paper or plastic cup that you’ll have nowhere to put if the person in the seat in front of you is reclining (which they usually are). So you’ll have to down it in one or hold it for ages if you’re sitting in economy. If you take a bottle on board, you can ask for it to be refilled and sip it at your leisure, ensuring you stay hydrated through the flight.
9) Yes, you need compression socks
Deep vein thrombosis is a risk on very long flights, so while you might associate compression socks with your granny, they are essential when you’re travelling to Australia, as is getting up and moving around regularly (which is why I favour an aisle seat). Some compression socks are much more comfortable than others and the level of compression varies – I like the ones from Kathmandu – so shop around and ensure you’re getting a pair you’ll wear all the way to Australia.
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