Ms Guam got boot for playing away

There's been a special place in my heart for Guam since May of last year. "WHY?", you beseech me to impart. Calm down, calm down: less zeal, please - like New Labour's England there's no place for begging here.

But, now that you ask: it's partly because it was then I discovered Guam was the Ireland of the West Pacific (i.e. its region's bit on the side), partly because of Trisha Heflin, and partly because I learnt that Montserrat and American Samoa were the only countries on this planet below Guam in the FIFA world football rankings. "Oh," you respond feverishly . . . no, don't walk away - come back and hear ye: May of last year was the month when 84 hideously beautiful women, with big teeth, big hair, big personalities and negligible waistlines prepared to battle it out for the title of Miss Universe 1999.

I never quite understood the difference between the Miss World and the Miss Universe competitions, although I assumed the universe was bigger than the world and, thus, in all probability, Miss World was to Miss Universe what Division 6D of the East Manorhamilton Intermediate League was to Italy's Serie A. Salubrious, but not quite as illustrious.

Any way, by all accounts, Miss Guam, Trisha Heflin, had bigger teeth, hair and a significantly more substantial personality than most of her rivals and, thus, was one of the prepageant favourites.

But, before you could say "I love old people, children, trees, puppies, the Pope, endangered chimpanzees, George Michael, one-eyed pandas, chrysanthemums, Michael Bolton and Mother Teresa", Miss Guam was disqualified and sent home in disgrace. Why? Well, she was, allegedly, pregnant.

So, Miss Guam went home, a "soiled" woman in the eyes of the lads on the jury, whose numbers included Evander Holyfield - he who has helped create babies with nigh on 47 per cent of the USA's female population.

Miss Botswana won, declaring triumphantly that "winning won't just change my life, it will change Botswana". One year later they're still singing that sublime old Sam Cooke tune A Change Is Gonna Come in Mpule Kwelagobe's home country, while she's is still singing I'm a Babe, And You Know I Am.

So, what's this got to do with sporting matters? Not a tremendous amount, to be brutally frank; we're talking the most tenuous of tenuous links here. The thing is, though, after intensive, exhaustive, extensive, rigorous and meticulous research (i.e. five minutes on the internet), I discovered Trisha's partner in the months leading up to the 1999 Miss Universe competition was . . . a footballer. A GUAM footballer.

Now, of course, this might not be true. Five-ish years of webby experience has taught me: believe not-eth what you read-eth on the internet-eth, especially those conspiracy theories that place Ger Loughnane on the grassy knoll and Jason McAteer in the Dallas School Book Depository building in and around the time JFK was assassinated (when you and me know it was Mick O'Dwyer, Damien Duff, Lee Harvey Oswald, the Mafia, Las Vegas gamblers, some Cuban people, Chris Tarrant and J Edgar Cross-Dressin' Hoover who were behind the dastardly plot).

The Guam footballer? Yes. I thought of him, in a rueful, crikey, mother-of-Jesus kind of way this week when I read the results from Asia's World Cup qualifying Group Two.

Sitting comfortably? Here goes: Iran 19 Guam 0. What's that you're singing? "Things, can only get better, yeah, yeah, ooh, aah"? You're not wrong. Three days later? Tajikistan 16 Guam 0. A big, big tightening up in defence, clearly but still, an aggregate of 35-0 in two matches - and you Drogheda United fans thought you had it bad.

All of this means Guam's hopes of making it to that country known as Japankorea for the World Cup finals are very nearly as good as Wales' - i.e. over. And never had they a better chance to progress in the qualifiers (granted, it is their first attempt) following the withdrawal of Myanmar, leaving only themselves, Iran and Tajikistan in the group.

Since they affiliated to FIFA in 1996 Guam have registered some startling results, including another 19-0 defeat by China, an 110 setback against Vietnam, swiftly followed by a 9-0 reverse by the same opposition and another 9-0 loss to Korea. They were dancing in the streets of . . . of . . . the capital city of Guam in August 1996, though, when they scored twice against Chinese Taipei in Ho Chi Minh City. Yes, they lost 9-2 but who cares, they scored twice.

Their football association was founded by a Spanish musician working in Guam's entertainment industry, a Catholic priest from Dublin, an English reporter on their Pacific Daily News and a 77-year-old football-mad Filipino-Chinese man from Manila called Charlie Whang. The country's Olympic Development Programme includes a section called "Huegon Minagof" - "Happy Sport" to you and me. How brilliant is that? I love Guam. I want a replica shirt and I want it now.

The national team used to be managed by a biology teacher from New Mexico but he was replaced by former Newcastle United goalkeeper Willie McFaul. I considered contacting the Guam Football Association to discover if Willie was in charge for those 19-0 and 16-0 defeats, perhaps even getting an exclusive scoopy interview ("So Willie, um, what went wrong?") but their address is a PO Box (No 5093, Agana, Guam, if you want to drop them a Christmas card) and I never trust any organisation with a PO Box for an address.

Specifically, though, I wanted to ask them: "is your goalkeeper the father of Trisha Heflin's love-child?". If he is I hope he's standing by her and being a whole lot more supportive to her than he is to his back four. Bet you anything though, him being a footballer, he's run off with Miss Botswana.