Lisbon Lyoness

Planet Football"I don't think there's any chance of her growing up to be a Rangers fan," said Sharlene Lyons last week about her newborn daughter, and given the lass was christened Emily Lisbon Lyons, we too are having trouble imagining the girl being an Ibrox season-ticket holder in the years to come.

Sharlene explained she picked the name to mark the 40th anniversary of the Celtic Lisbon Lions winning the European Cup.

"I really liked Lisbon as a first name but then I thought people might think Lisbon Lyons was a bit much, so I decided to call her Emily Lisbon instead," she said.

A current Republic of Ireland international at Celtic will be chuffed to know that if Sharlene has another child she'll name it after him. We hope with all our hearts that it's a boy, otherwise Emily Lisbon Lyons's kid sister is going to get strange looks when she introduces herself as Aiden (McGeady).

Quotes of the week

"I always knew one day I would not be a champion."

- Jose Mourinho, slowly coming to terms with his silver medal.

"Mourinho is the funniest thing to come out of London since Del Boy and Rodney."

- Jose, meanwhile, has Liverpool's Jamie Carragher cracking up.

"For me the FA Cup final is as big as the Champions League, if not bigger."

- But Joe Cole proves he's a funny man too.

"I'm sick sore and tired of the hallions down south slagging us off, particularly that crowd from Cork. They are the most ungracious group of people that I have ever met in my life."

- Linfield manager David Jeffrey paying tribute to Cork City a fortnight after beating them in the Setanta Cup semi-final.

"What annoys me is the ungracious big-headed attitude of them. They are an absolute joke and I'll tell you, Cork are absolutely nowhere, they've done nothing and they're pathetic."

- David Jeffrey, this time sporting an "Irish by birth, Cork by the wrath of God" T-shirt.

Liverpool fans: "Can we have Michael Owen back, Fred?"

Freddy Shepherd: "Listen, I'll f***ing carry him back for youse."

Fans: "Really? For nine million?"

Shepherd: "Nine million."

- The Newcastle chairman opens transfer negotiations for Owen with two Liverpool fans armed with a hidden camera. That was before Michael's injury jinx struck again and he was carried off concussed yesterday at Watford.

Valdano puts boot in

The tribute paid by Jorge Valdano, the former Real Madrid manager and Argentinian World Cup winner, in his column for the Spanish paper Marca, truly deserves a "quote of the week" section all its own. Here goes: "Football is made up of subjective feeling, of suggestion - and, in that, Anfield is unbeatable. Put a s*** hanging from a stick in the middle of this passionate, crazy stadium and there are people who will tell you it's a work of art. It's not: it's a s*** hanging from a stick.

"Chelsea and Liverpool are the clearest, most exaggerated example of the way football is going. A short pass? Noooo. A feint? Noooo. A change of pace? Noooo. A one-two? A nutmeg? A back-heel? Don't be ridiculous. None of that.

"If Didier Drogba was the best player in the first match it was purely because he was the one who ran the fastest, jumped the highest and crashed into people the hardest.

"Neither Mourinho nor Benitez made it as a player. That has made them channel all their vanity into coaching. Those who did not have the talent to make it as players do not believe in the talent of players . . . they are exactly the kind of coaches that Benitez and Mourinho would have needed to have made it as players."

Plans scotched

When the Sunday Peoplereported yesterday that several viewers of ESPN's Sportscenter, the show that beams English Premiership football into homes in Malaysia and Singapore, phoned the station to complain they couldn't understand a word said by a manager they interviewed, we, like the paper, guessed the man in question was Rafa Benitez or Jose Mourinho. "Nope," they revealed, "it was a jubilant Alex Ferguson, celebrating Manchester United's title triumph."

More quotes . . .

"That match represents a moment which is hard to describe. It was like taking a shower in cold water, or as if a piano had fallen on to your head. I was destroyed, but it is part of this great game called football."

- AC Milan's Cafu, still in counselling after that Liverpool comeback two years ago.

"I think he wants to become a celebrity, someone everyone loves to hate. I think he's gone to Max Clifford and said, 'How long before I can become famous for being nasty like Simon Cowell?' Max's reply would be, 'Normally six months, but in your case I'd say two days'."

- Birmingham City chairman David Gold on his Crystal Palace counterpart Simon Jordan.

"Big Trev will be missed when he goes back to Peterborough. He's a funny character to have around and a big strong lad - he reminds me of an elephant seal."

- Walsall manager Richard Money on the extraordinary qualities of Trevor Benjamin.

"I don't know why he's called me an elephant seal . . . except for my changing-room party trick where I shuffle along on my stomach and catch fish from the other players."

- Trevor "elephant seal" Benjamin says, "Gee, thanks".

"The 1982 team's position in history is well and truly entrenched and I'm sure they will say it will take this team four-million light years to get near them."

- Aston Villa manager Martin O'Neill admitting his goal of bringing the European Cup back to Villa Park is quite a long-term one.

"I'd bet for sure that Milan will win the Champions League. I'm absolutely certain of it. I told their manager, Carlo Ancelotti, at the end of our semi-final that there is no way he cannot win it now."

- Alex Ferguson all but ensures that Liverpool will triumph in Athens.

Credit to Sanchez

Norn Iron supporters mightn't have been too impressed with Lawrie Sanchez's decision to abandon them for Fulham, but at least at the moment of his departure he left them top of the Fifa World Rankings. Well, the version that ranks teams "by their Fifa points per head of population".

Steve Staunton, meanwhile, has taken the Republic to the dizzy heights of fourth:

1(33) Northern Ireland; 2(23) Uruguay; 3(12) Croatia; 4(31) Republic of Ireland; 5(19) Scotland; 6(22) Denmark; 7(47) Bosnia-Herzegovina; 8(36) Slovakia; 9(45) Finland; 10(7) Portugal

* Fifa ranking in brackets.