ALL IN THE GAME:A soccer miscellany

WORD OF MOUTH

"I'd like to get that first home victory. And if we get it against Man City, it would be absolutely laughable, wouldn't it? Look at them donkey lashers! Go on!"

– Blackpool manager Ian Holloway, needless to say.

"Once we got out on to the pitch and the Serbian players told us they were attacked on the team bus, that they even wanted to stab their goalkeeper, we understood the gravity of the situation."

– Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini, his jaw still scraping the floor.

"He is not a good example for the youth. With everything that has happened in his life, there are still people who give him contracts. If they had more of a conscience, they wouldn't take him on."

– Pele? Forget Maradona, move on, good lad.

"I do not understand players drinking until they are drunk. We do not have that culture in Italy. We would prefer to go off with a woman. That's what I liked to do after a match, and I tell my players now it is better that they go with a woman than drink."

– Roberto Mancini. Hopefully he won't be manager of Wayne Rooney any day soon.

"Blindly demanding the owners pump in money to secure established players is the equivalent of a wife saying 'if you don't do this and that on credit, then I will leave you'. I think none of our fans would do that but would try to satisfy the wife in a different way."

– Birmingham vice-chairman Peter Pannu. Mind you, if the wife has any sense she won't be satisfied until the club signs Lionel Messi.

Spotless: Villa geared up to promote clean living

YOU have to wonder sometimes if the authors of promotional press releases write them with a straight face. Take the one issued last week by Skip, the stain remover company that has signed up David Villa to front its "image campaign".

They sent Villa to Madrid with a bunch of school kids for the "Double Skip Challenge", part one of which had the Barcelona man giving a "football master-class" to the children, before trying to remove all the stains from their gear with, well, Skip.

While it might mean "getting dirty", "allowing kids to do sport is fundamental for a correct emotional, intellectual and physical development," they told us. "Villa, very aware of this, has wanted to prove in the new Skip advert that it is compatible to allow boys and girls to play and have fun without making this a difficulty when facing the cleaning of their clothes." Was the author in floods at this stage? Anyway, good news, when Villa applied his bottle of Skip to the kids' dirty shirts "the stains disappear thanks to its new formula with its new stain remover, Extrapower."

You'd imagine the poor fella would have wanted a break from washing clothes on his day off.

Off message: Balotelli impressionist causes a stir

EVEN Mario Balotelli's agent, Mino Raiola, was stunned to learn that he was declaring his love for Napoli on an Italian radio station last week, in what sounded worryingly like a come-and-get-me plea.

Considering he's only played 33 minutes for his new club Manchester City this all sounded a little hasty. "I was in Naples for a week this summer and the affection that I got from the people can't ever be compared with that towards me from elsewhere," said Mario.

Would he like to play for Napoli? "Right now I am a Manchester City player and I am happy there. But in the future, never say never. I always carry the people of Napoli with me in my heart and the holidays I spent there were unforgettable. They were full of emotion."

Mino, you'd imagine, almost choked on macaroni. But, hopefully, he was right as rain when he heard Mario was, in fact, impressionist Gianfranco Butinar. Spare a thought for the Napoli fans, though, especially any who went out and got "Balotelli" printed on the back of their replica shirts.

Moratti madness: Milly thinks Massimo gets silly

CONSIDERING the buy-out clause on Lionel Messi's contract at Barcelona is reported to be €250 million you'd want to think twice about promising your supporters that you'll be buying the little fella in January. Wouldn't you?

At a supporters' function in Milan . . . Chanting Inter supporters: "Give us a gift!"

Beaming Inter president Massimo Moratti: "Okay, I promise you Messi!"

Inter supporters: "Whoooo hoooo!"

A gulping Milly Moratti, Massimo's wife: "Go easy."

Moratti later admitted he was kidding, "but now I am starting to really ask myself that question: to buy him or not? I haven't yet been able to give myself an answer, either yes or no."

Milly? Have another word.

MAGIC ON GRASS

HAVING read a few years back about Australian swimmer Ian Thorpe being allergic to chlorine in his youth it was hard to imagine a trickier affliction for a sports person. Last week, though, Le Parisien revealed one: French winger Yoan Gouffran (above) is allergic to . . . grass. "For a footballer, it's embarrassing," said Jean Tigana, his manager at Bordeaux. And not a little unlucky.

Cult Shels: Investigated and found are the greatest of the 10-stop travellers

THERE'S a bit of the Sherlock Holmes about Seán Fitzpatrick, his "Where are they now?" features in the Shelbourne match programme over the years demonstrating his rather impressive investigative powers. No matter what part of the planet Shels' old boys end up Seán, has the happy knack of tracking them down.

Like Noel Greenhalgh, who was crowned "Mango King" for buying the season's symbolic "first tray" of mango at the eighth annual Brisbane Markets Mango Auction a few years ago.

Well, Seán has completed the second edition of Shelbourne Cult Heroes, the book being launched by Owen Heary at Tolka Park on Thursday evening. It now includes 75 players who appeared for the club, among them Christof Stech (above).

The German, who was studying in Dublin at the time, played just four games for Shelbourne in 1985, but his contribution went some way towards saving the club from relegation.

Stech had no contact with anyone in Ireland "for a quarter of a century" until Seán tracked him down in Dortmund where he is the international sales director for a firm that manufacturers pumps and pump systems. His memories from those four games, especially the last one away to Galway, are priceless. He still has the shirt, "occasionally wears it with pride", and it sounds like he's still recovering from the journey home from Galway. "We tried to return to Dublin. I did not count the stops but think we stopped more than 10 times – and not only for a p…".

Shelbourne Cult Heroes is available in Eason shops and from Tolka Park.

OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOUR

WHILE you have to admire the dedication of Felipe Alvarez and his determination to keep alive the memory of Andres Escobar – the Colombian player who was shot dead on his return home after scoring an own goal at the 1994 World Cup finals – there must, surely, be less painful ways of doing it? Described as an "obsessive" fan of Escobar's old club Atletico Nacional (no kiddin'), Alvarez decided to have his entire upper body tattooed with the club's jersey and Escobar's number on the back. The photos of the procedure are knee-weakening.

Russian roulette: Dublin gets nod, and without paying out

HUH, nice to see Andrey Arshavin enjoyed his trip to Dublin. From the not-to-be-missed QA section of his website: Question: "Is it difficult to play with such a support from the Dubliners? What were they shouting to the Russian team from the stands?"

Arshavin: "I wasn't listening. They were probably shouting something but the sounds merged into one hum. As for the game at this stadium, I think that one can get only pleasant emotions from such football conditions that were created for the players. Such a pitch, the atmosphere and the heat of the game can bring only joy."

But if he was happy to praise the new Lansdowne, he was slower to reveal his most loved vehicle. For a very good reason, though.

Question: "What's your favourite car? Arshavin: "I have no favourites so far. If there is an ad contract, then I'll have a favourite."