Clocking up air miles from the comfort of the sofa

TV VIEW: From Imola to Elland Road, from the Galway Sportsground to St James' Park, from the Crucible to Lansdowne Road, from White Hart Lane to . . . with a stinging, Wasp-induced trip to hell and back along the way.

D'you know, if you got air miles for your Sunday sport on television viewing you'd have accrued enough to take a family of 17 to Fiji and back, eight times a year. First class, with free peanuts thrown in.

Not to be, though: airlines are notoriously pernickety about how they define air travel.

Bad cess to them all, and bad cess to Michael Schumacher for upsetting Peter Collins' day: "And Michael Schumacher is the wiiiiiiiinner," he said, trying hard to muster enough enthusiasm to suggest he'd never uttered that line before.

But he has, almost as many times as Ron Atkinson said, in the last week, "but some of my best friends are black, since early doors, like". After a while the impact is negligible, it's hard to respond in any other way than: "Wake me up when it's over".

On to Elland Road. Pompey played up, played up Pompey, and Leeds, according to George Graham in Sky Sports' pay-per-view studio, were in "trouble now". If all Leeds were in was "trouble" they'd tour the city in an open-top bus. Leeds are in deep . . .

. . . which is what Harlequins appeared to be in when Eric Elwood scored that try for Connacht in the Challenge Cup semi-final. Michael Lynagh, on Sky Sports 3, had predicted Elwood would feel comfy in the Sportsground - "It will be like sitting in his lounge room" - but he wasn't quite comfy enough to thwart auld Harlequins. A ropy start to the day, then.

On to St James' Park. Claudio Ranieri intended playing with no goalkeeper, one at the back and 10 up front, but FIFA scuppered his plans by informing him that that was "a tinker too far". So Newcastle won.

Time for the Crucible. Didn't quite match the excitement of earlier in the week when Quinten Hann told Andy Hicks that "you're short and bald and you always will be", and Ronnie O'Sullivan gave one finger to a pocket that had kept his ball out.

Truly, snooker is the new rock 'n' roll.

Pearse Stadium. TG4. Galway hammered Limerick, but that is where Munster's Sunday misery would end. Why so confident? Largely because of Sky's build-up to Munster v Wasps.

"Frankly you'd rather kiss a skunk than play Wasps right now," said their man, as he introduced a modest piece on Lawrence Dallaglio's lads. (Is it just us, or if you saw Dallaglio on a bus would you too offer him your seat?) "No one's saying Wasps are unbeatable," said the Sky man, "but they do seem to have reached the point where losing is not considered to be a viable or a likely option."

See now, that class of talk gets our backs up, even those of us who regard rugby as the sport played by men who weren't given, by God, bodies athletic or supple enough, or sporting brains smart and resourceful enough, to allow them to excel at proper sports, like "soccer", hurling, Gaelic football or baton-twirling.

The breaking point came when Sky introduced a little musical piece on Munster rugby's recent history, entitled "The Nearly Men". It was accompanied by Johnny Cash's version of Hurt. Now, Hurt was written many a year ago by a man called Trent Reznor, and was an "ode" to his addiction to heroin. It features lines like "I will let you down, I will make you hurt, I wear this crown of shit". It's an achingly lovely song, but if you happened to be driving past a cliff upon listening to it you'd chuck yourself off. Happily. The link to Munster rugby? (Visualise: blank expression).

When Hurt concluded, we returned to the Sky panel - of Lynagh, Gordon D'Arcy and Dewi Morris - and all three, ashen-faced and dejected, were deeply in need of counselling. "Eh," said Lynagh, wiping away the tears, "that film made Munster seem like they've been an unsuccessful side - they've actually been very successful."

Gordon nodded, but there wasn't enough spirit left in his body to protest vocally.

Later that afternoon: "How many hills do Munster have to climb before they reach the top, you have to ask," asked Jim Sherwin, "It can be a cruel game sometimes."

Cripes, true enough, rugby lets you down, rugby makes you hurt, rugby wears this crown of . . .

Speaking of which: Arsenal won the league yesterday.

"The best team in the country, by some distance," said Andy Gray.

Still not enough distance to earn air miles, though. Unless Arsenal book Thierry Henry, Patrick Vieira and Robert Pires on a one-way trip to Madrid. Jeez, what a lovely thought.