Itβs nigh time broadcasters put up one of those βthis programme may contain scenes that some viewers might find upsettingβ warnings before coverage of golf tournaments involving Rory McIlroy. A little like when lions are chasing gazelles, or when Casemiro is playing a back-pass, you spend the bulk of your time located behind a cushion.
Frankly, 2024 canβt end soon enough for the fella, nor for his devotees, his latest slice of heartache occurring in, of all places, Royal County Down.
βSettle down, SETTLE DOWN! What the heck,β as Tony Johnstone put it when that over-hit birdie effort on the 17th left Rory in a world of trouble. βBurdened by expectations,β David Howell sighed as Rory gazed at the heavens in a βwhat next?β kind of way. βOh my,β Tony murmured. βYes,β said David. βBrain. Scrambled.β
And not even the club selection advice offered from the couches of Ireland could help him, even though between himself and ourselves we have four Majors and 26 PGA Tour wins. Rory ended up needing an eagle on the final hole if he was to force a play-off with Rasmus HΓΈjgaard.
Just an observation: when HΓΈjgaard birdied the 17th from the bunker, the crowd applauded in lusty appreciation. This, of course, was sporting behaviour at its finest, even if the Dane was on the verge of breaking Rory-loving hearts.
Not to be too down on Americans, but that moment when two of their caddies ripped off their shirts, played bongos on their tummies and Riverdanced on the fairway after Megan Khangβs eagle in the Solheim Cup on Saturday β βattention-seeking vulgarity,β said an appalled Guardian β when Europeβs Madelene Sagstrom still had to play her shot? Weβre just better mannered, really. Not to make sweeping generalisations about a nation, but itβs likely that those caddies dined on Gainesvilleβs cats and dogs in celebration.
Back in Down, Rory played the mother, father, auntie and uncle of second shots to the 18th, giving him a chance of an eagle. βItβs amazing what you can produce when you have nothing to lose,β said Tony. But it wasnβt to be, his putt drifting millimetres wide, so no play-off.
Thereβll be no cheering Rory up at this juncture, but thereβs no shame in finishing second. Nor third. And that was where rowers Daire Lynch and Philip Lynch came in their rowing event at the Olympics.
When Daire did a tour of his native Clonmelβs schools on his return from Paris, with a bronze medal draped around his neck, he would have been entitled to expect a rapturous reception. First question from the young people? βWhy didnβt you win the gold?β The Late Late Show audience chuckled heartily, Daire just concluded he has to work harder before LA.
Cricket, incidentally, will feature in the 2028 Olympics for the first time since 1900, and if Orla Prendergast doesnβt make an appearance, itβll be a crime against cricketing humanity. She is severely good.
βAnd she only has skin on one hand,β commentator Duane DellβOca told Virgin Mediaβs audience on Sunday after she scored 80 from 51 balls in Irelandβs first ever Twenty20 triumph over England. Duane went on to explain the skinlessness, which involved an accident, but when you go βLA LA LA LA LAβ loud enough, you can drown these things out.
It was a humdinger of a climax to the match in Clontarf. βThere are some sweaty palms and thumping hearts right now β and thatβs just in the commentary booth,β said Duane, Isobel Joyce, alongside him, hyperventilating. But Ireland prevailed in the last over, Prendergast winning herself the player of the match and player of the series awards.
βForm is precious β I just try to make the most of it when I feel good,β she said on receiving her gongs. Arsenal could relate after winning the north London derby, making the most of their form to see off Spursy.
Not that Paul Merson put too much pressure on them in advance of the game. βItβs all or nothing,β he said, three games in to the season. βIf they go and draw this game and then go to the Etihad next Sunday and they lose that, theyβre seven points behind Man City, thatβs a lot of points.β
That was a touch negative, as was his take on a cranky first half during which seven players were admonished. βThis referee is handing out yellow cards like ice creams,β he said at the break, Jamie Redknapp and Les Ferdinandβs faces saying βwhat?β But Arsenal prevailed, Merse left having to turn his doubts on Wolvesβs Brazilian signing AndrΓ© before their game against Newcastle.
βI donβt think Brazil will win the World Cup, do you? This lad plays for Brazil, a central midfield player β¦.. heβs playing for Wolves today. I think heβll be more a European player, not like the flair and the flicky here and flicky there.β
Flicky here and flicky there summed up the sporting weekend, really. Highs, lows and flicky in-betweens. And another Rory display that some viewers would have found find upsetting. Sport? Itβd wear you out.
