There’s a meeting. That’s the big news of the day.
I’m like, “What kind of a meeting?”
And Fionn goes, “Ross, you’re not invited.”
I’m there, “That’s not what I asked.”
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He tries to go, “Some of the parents are concerned, Ross.”
I’m like, “About?”
“That their children are spending all their time on the rugby pitch,” he goes, “and not enough time in class.”
I’m there, “Is this about me throwing the old jammer in Slippers McCrory’s porking space?” and – yeah now – that throws him.
He’s like, “Er, no, yeah, no – sort of.”
I’m there, “So which one is it, Fionn?”
He goes, “He is the deputy principal of this institute of learning. And yes, he is concerned that a number of our irst Years are not taking their academic careers seriously enough.”
I’m like, “Their academic careers? They’re, like, 12 and 13.”
He’s there, “Yes – and the habits they learn now will determine what kind of students they become later on and what kind of careers they go on to enjoy after college.”
It’s hord to believe this man won a Leinster Schools Senior Cup medal. I’d tell him he should give his back if they weren’t already taken off us for doping.
I’m there, “You’re talking out of your orse as usual. I’ll be making that point at the meeting.”
He’s like, “You’re not coming to the meeting.”
I go, “I’m entitled to be heard in my own defence,” then I watch his expression suddenly change.
He’s like “Oh, you’re going to quote the Constitution at me now, are you?”
I’m there, “Yes, I am, Dude.”
I had no idea it was from the Constitution. I used to hear my old man shouting it in the bathroom when he’d be practising his lines for whatever tribunal he happened to be appearing in front of that day.
I’m there, “It might shock you to know that I’ve read that book – from cover to cover.”
Of course then I’m thinking, s**t, is it even a book or have I said too much here? But, yeah, no, it must be a book, because he goes, “You’re not on trial, Ross.”
I’m there, “We’ll see what Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara has to say about that. He can get a High Court injunction to stop this thing from going ahead.”
It’s a stunt he used to pull whenever I was threatened with detention. But Fionn says something unbelievable to me then.
He goes, “You won’t be using Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara, Ross. He acts for us now.”
I’m there, “Excuse me?”
He goes, “We’ve retained his services. Representing you in this matter would be a conflict of interest.”
I’m there, “That focking crook is the school lawyer? I’ll tell you something, Dude, this place is going to the dogs – and fast.”
He tries to, like, reason with me then – never a good option when the argument is about rugby.
He goes, “Ross, the parents of these students want to able to talk freely and frankly – which they obviously feel they can’t if you’re present.”
I’m there, “Why don’t they just stop sending their kids to rugby? One or two of them are no focking use anyway.”
He goes, “Because they want their children to play rugby – but they also want them to learn something in school.”
I’m like, “Yeah, good luck with that one.”
He goes, “It’s about achieving an academic-sporting balance, Ross.”
And I’m there, “Doesn’t exist, Dude. Not in schools that are serious about being winners.”
He goes, “The other thing–”
And I’m like, “Oh, there’s more, is there? This’ll be good. Let’s hear it.”
He’s there, “A lot of parents have complained that their children have arrived home from school quoting Hitler.”
I shrug as if to say, ‘Your point being?’
He’s there, “You mean you can’t see why that might be an issue?”
I’m like, “I sometimes play them Father Fehily’s old records to stir them up before training. It didn’t do us any horm.”
It probably did, looking back – there were one or two matches where I was so hyped up, it honestly felt like an out of body experience.
He goes, “You can’t understand why, given the current international climate, parents are alarmed to hear their children ranting and raving in their sleep about Führerprinzip and Lebensraum?”
I’m there, “Exactly – it’s all in German. They don’t understand a focking word of what they’re even saying.”
He goes, “They might if they attended German classes occasionally.”
It’s a very, very good comeback, in fairness to him. He debated with the best back in the day, bear in mind. He won medals for it in fact, which he probably still has – the sap.
But then you don’t captain the S without having one or two talents in your – I’m going to use the word – repertoire? One of my great talents that used to get talked about a lot was my ability to bring people with me.
I’m there, “You’re scared, Dude, because you know that when I stort talking, I can bring a room to silence.”
He’s like, “Yes, I remember you crashing one of Sorcha’s book club meetings and saying you thought Wuthering Heights was so good, you wouldn’t have been surprised to find out that Emily Brontë had a brother who wrote it for her.”
I’m there, “That was intended as a compliment to the girl. And anyway the joke is on you because I never even read the thing. But then it was a book club, so I doubt if anyone did?”
He goes, “Ross, you are not invited to the meeting.”
I’m there, “I’ll turn up. I’ll turn up like Enoch literally Burke and then you’ll have a problem on your hands.”
I just, like, storm out of his office and who ends up being the first person I bump into outside? Yeah, no, Slippers McCrory. He has, like, a big smug look on his face.
He goes, “Ah, there’s Coach!” except it’s not intended with any, like, respect. He says coach the way Honor does when she’s told there are no seats available in business class.
I’m there, “Dude, I’ve taken on bigger and better than you. I’m going to promise you this much. If it’s the only thing I achieve in my role as Director of Rugby in this school–”
Fionn shouts out of his office, “You’re not Director of Rugby. That title was never signed off on.”
I’m there, “–I am going to wipe that smile off your ugly boat.”
