Reich to the heart of the Irish question

"This proposal is absurd," pronounced Rommel, exasperated. "Do you realise what the north coast of Ireland is like? We'll never make it off the beaches."

But Goering was having none of it. "We must cut Britain off from Northern Ireland's vital industries," he said. "Shipbuilding, aircraft assembly, textiles, clothing, carpets . . ."

"Carpets eh?" interrupted Rommel. "So that's how you plan to cover the landing?"

An icy chill settled over the Reichschancelleryfuhrerkonferenzraum as everyone hurriedly looked down at their briefing papers.

"Damn," thought Rommel. How many times had his wife warned him to let Hitler do the jokes?

As if on cue the Führer himself broke the silence. "I have absolute confidence that our forces will succeed," he said. "It is what comes after victory that concerns me."

"We expect no difficulties my Führer!" grovelled Goering. "Internment camps will be set up and agitators eliminated!"

Hitler seemed unimpressed. "Sending in the army is one thing but internment could enrage the British," he said.

"They'll be singing a different tune once their men are behind the wire," said Goering confidently.

"What about these 'unionists'?" pressed Hitler. "Won't they resist occupation?"

Goering surveyed his notes and shook his head. "Our friends in the IRA say that the very instant the link with England is broken, every unionist will immediately realise that they are not British." An incredulous murmur swept around the room but Goering was insistent. "Our spies have questioned people across Ireland on this matter! Everyone is quite certain of it."

"Drunken fools, I will send them all to Russia!" cried Hitler - a warning everybody in the room understood only too well. "And what about the Jewish problem?" he asked, turning to Himmler.

"Well yes that is a bit of a problem," admitted Himmler. "There are practically no Jews in Northern Ireland at all." The Führer pursed his lips ominously - they were going to have to give him a bit more to work with here.

"There are a small number of gypsies," Himmler said.

"Are the gypsies Jewish?" asked Hitler. "No - but I don't think anyone will mind if we say they are," replied Himmler. Problem solved.

But then there was the problem of the Irish Free State to consider. "I see this plan calls for us to land troops near Sligo," mused Hitler. "The Irish will deeply resent a German invasion of their west coast. They will seem friendly of course, but secretly they will despise us and devise many elaborate tricks at our expense, particularly in Galway."

At that, with a theatrical rustle of paper, Albert Speer unrolled a large architectural plan across the desk. Everyone inwardly groaned - what lunatic scheme had he come up with this time?

"I propose we maintain good relations with the Irish State by building a 'Friendship Autobahn' between Belfast and Dublin," said Speer, looking expectantly at the Führer who immediately slammed his fist down in a rage. "You expect the German people to pay for an Irish road!" he screamed. "Over my dead body!"

Dejected, Speer put the plans away and seeing his chance, Rommel made a last attempt to scupper the scheme. "I am not convinced that the IRA are reliable allies," he said. "My intelligence indicates they are riddled with British informers." This was a direct challenge to Goering who, furious, pulled an SS ceremonial dagger from his jackboot and slammed it down on the table. "There are no informers in the IRA!" he shouted. "I'd stake my knife on it!"

"But they are national socialists, aren't they?" inquired Hitler, suddenly concerned.

"They are nationalist socialists," said Goering.

"What's the difference?" asked Hitler suspiciously.

"One is a philosophy of strength through the relentless pursuit of cultural and racial purity," explained Goering, "and the other is fascism."

"Well that's settled then," said Hitler, pushing the Plan Kathleen dossier away. "Put this on file and we'll get back to it after Stalingrad."

But the matter was not quite closed. "My Führer, I'm afraid there is another problem," said Himmler. "If we're really going to work with the IRA, then we'll have to remove their most implacable enemy."

"You mean . . ." said Hitler.

"Yes," said Himmler. "We'll have to assassinate de Valera."

There was a brief pause. "That will indeed be most regrettable," said Hitler. "Remind me to send their ambassador my condolences . . ."

Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com.

Last Friday the British Public Records Office opened up to the public MI5 files on "Plan Kathleen", the joint Nazi-IRA plot during the second World War to invade Northern Ireland.

The plan, never taken too seriously in Berlin, was hatched between a leading IRA activist, Stephen Held, and a German spy, Hermann Goertz, and involved some 50,000 troops invading Northern Ireland through landings at Larne, Coleraine, Derry and Sligo. They would have been supported by a 5,000-strong IRA force moving to meet them from Ballyshannon and Dundalk.

The idea was abandoned after Goertz, parachuted in to recce the situation in 1940, was arrested with Held and plans were seized in the latter's home.

Now, however, Newton Emerson uncovers the minutes of a 1942 war cabinet meeting at the Reichschancellery.