Ourselves alone have the right brand to take power in Ireland

OPINION: THE IRISH Timeshas obtained this key strategy document from an envelope in the car-park at the Fianna Fáil think-in.

Our Party

Fianna Fáil is still the national movement but other movements have moved onto our national territory.

That means radical change to many things we hold dear, including our brand.

“Soldiers of Destiny” sounds old-fashioned, aggressive and perhaps even a little fatalistic.

We need something truer to ourselves, now that Ireland stands alone.

How about “Ourselves Alone”?

Leadership

I am not exempt from this need for radical change and am pleased to announce that I have already begun the process of personal transformation.

Those of you who know me best will have noticed I did not shave this morning.

By the time of our ardfheis in February my beard should be fully grown.

Internal reform

We need to completely review the way this organisation works. I would like to see a two-tier structure of party officers and political representatives, operating as separate but inextricably linked “wings”. Obviously, as a political representative, I was never in the officer wing.

Europe

It is clearly absurd to turn against Europe in opposition after being for Europe in office. We need a more consistent policy.

As you know, the EU is unpopular around Dublin but becomes less so as you move out into more agricultural areas. I propose that we be simultaneously anti-European in the east of Ireland and pro-European in the west of Ireland. I have good reason to believe this will work surprisingly well.

Mahon tribunal

We can no longer address historical grievances through these expensive one-off inquiries.

What we need is an international truth commission, perhaps based on the South African model, where others can admit their own responsibility for anything we might have done.

The presidency

The presidency is ours by right, although that right has currently been denied. It is plainly beneath the national movement to partake in an election we might lose, yet it is also plainly beneath us not to participate at all.

Instead, we should engage in a lengthy process of teasing via the media until we see which way the wind is blowing.

The economy

From now on we are against the exploitation of workers, the unemployed and the vulnerable by banks, speculators and multinational corporations.

Some cynics are going to ask how we can expect credit for stopping the very things we started.

To those people I will say: “This is a political process and you are anti-political process.” Apparently, that should be the end of the matter.

Republican values

Yes, we did bring Elizabeth Windsor to Ireland, but only to ask for our six counties back. Then we drove her out to the Garden of Remembrance to show we mean business.

And that whole British bailout thing? We were doing them a favour on London property prices.

Not that we approve of speculation (see above).

The future

I realise much of this will strike you as thinking outside the box but that is why I invited you all to Tallaght.

Who here will object if, with a lightweight in one hand and a Tallaght-box in the other, we take power in Ireland?