FORGET about the beef war. The real Battle of Britain will be fought at Wembley tomorrow night. And England expects ... A sea of red and white will greet Captain Tony Adams and his troops when they march on to the hallowed turf.
Euro 96 has stirred the heart of English nationalism. And the cross of St George is more in evidence than the Union Jack. But the lads will sing the national anthem with added pride and gusto. And the component parts of Her Britannic Majesty's Kingdom will be united in the hope of a great night for "British" football.
That Florence summit was always going to end in fudge and sludge. The Downing Street generals always talk a good fight, yet the stomach deserts them as they approach the top of the hill. No such fainthearts have been entrusted with the nation's honour in this struggle against the Germans.
Pearce, Gazza and the rest of the "Tommies" know their duty and will yield no quarter. And if they've been reading the British press over the past few days, the German team will know what to expect. "Watch out, Krauts, England are gonna bomb you to bits on Wednesday," said the Star. "The spirit of our 1966 slaughter of the Germans is back with a vengeance."
In polite circles no one wants to mention earlier dates of even greater historical significance. But the Daily Mirror didn't hesitate to invoke the wartime spirit. It's front page pulled no punches. "Achtung! Surrender For you Fritz, ze Euro 96 championship is over." The paper sent a reporter on a raiding mission to the German team's headquarters. Once securely behind enemy lines, he placed towels on the sun loungers beside the hotel pool emblazoned with the simple message. "Auf Wiedersehen from the Daily Mirror." Not to be outdone, meanwhile, the Sun recruited a lion at Chester Zoo "to roar for our lads as they bid to blitz Fritz".
And John Major will be roaring, too, from inside the Downing Street bunker. For this is the continuation of politics by other means. And we can forget all that guff about the prime minister and his friend the chancellor. While yesterday's tabloids prepared for war, the qualities were reporting a German plot to "undermine" Mr Major and scupper the Tory Party's election plans on Europe.
The lads will understand that Mr Major will be as happy as any to see the smile wiped off Chancellor Kohl's face. Indeed, the resultant "feel good factor" might encourage Mr Major to take up suggestions that Terry Venables should be given a knighthood in the next honours list.
The England manager must be somewhat bemused. Controversies about his business dealings have dogged his two year term. And the FA establishment hedged their bets by declining to run his contract up to the 1998 World Cup. But he has been elevated in the past week. First likened to Sir Francis Drake for singeing the Spaniards' beards, yesterday the cigar smoking manager was compared to Kitchener and Churchill.
Bobby Charlton, veteran of the 1966 campaign, joined leader writers and some fans yesterday in expressing concern about the wave of nationalist fervour sweeping the country. But the Mirror editor insisted that in the spirit of Dad's Army and Allo, Allo it's all just good clean fun. And millions will be hoping the fun continues beyond tomorrow night, to Sunday, another epic European battle, and victory.
For El Tel and his team have done more for national morale than the planners at Conservative Central Office could ever dream of. Indeed, when he comes to think about it, Mr Major might include the whole squad in the dissolution honours list if a snap election really is on the cards!