MEN'S HEALTH:How is a man to know when a hug is required – and when it might land him in hosptial?
I HAD AN interesting experience last week where a man I had only met 20 minutes earlier gave me a hug when we were parting. I like to think that I am relatively well disposed to showing my emotions and the like, but such a public display of affection from a complete stranger caught me completely off guard, so much so that I didn’t engage the hug and we ended up in an excruciatingly awkward semi-embrace.
I worry that our relationship may well be scuppered before it even starts, courtesy of that uninvited man hug.
Men showing affection in public to other men was traditionally the preserve of those celebrating sporting victories and, of course, continental Europeans.
Irish men on the other hand always knew where they stood – the correct form of greeting as it pertained to other men was always – always – the handshake and it didn’t matter whether the person you were greeting was your father, friend, acquaintance, work colleague or long-lost brother.
If you really wanted to show affection towards another man, you could give a slightly more affectionate version of the handshake, for example clasping their hand with both hands or holding their elbow during the handshake à la Bill Clinton.
Just as men were finally coming to terms with what to do when greeting female friends or acquaintances (albeit with some anxiety-inducing, split-second calculations on whether to do an air-kiss, one-cheek peck or double-cheek kiss), along comes a fresh set of etiquette dilemmas.
The rigid handshake protocol for greeting other men has been severely complicated by the fact that in some cases at least, hugging other men is now considered acceptable and sometimes expected.
And even more serious, Neanderthal men like me are expected to know intuitively the cases in which it is appropriate and the cases in which it might land you in hospital, or even in jail.
The result of all this confusion and repressed emotion is that men are frequently engaging in what is often called the man hug (see panel) – a sort of reluctant attempt at a compromise between a handshake and a half-hug.
“The only body contact is in the shoulders,” says Kory Floyd, an associate professor of human communication at Arizona State University, describing the man hug. “Men often do it with a handshake in between them so there is a physical barrier.”
The most recognisable characteristic of the man hug, says Floyd, is “aggressive patting on the back” – a method for men to show positive feelings towards each other in a way that is masculine and gender-validating. If it sounds ridiculous, that’s because it is.
So why is the idea of hugging other men so fraught with difficulty? For a starter, male hugging is not consistent with Irish cultural norms, according to Dr Noel Richardson of the Centre for Men’s Health Research and Training.
“There is huge resistance at organisational and cultural level in this country to any kind of physical affection between men,” he says. “From an early age boys are taught not to express emotions except in a very narrow set of circumstances in which it is seen as acceptable, such as on the football or hurling field. “Otherwise it is seen as ‘gay’ for young boys to show affection for one another. Maybe it’s an Irish thing too, in that we are more restrained in expressing ourselves on an emotional level.”
Psychologists believe that the fear of hugging among men is intricately linked to how physically affectionate our fathers were when we were kids.
Fathers are the first role models we have for how to be men, so if your father isn’t hugging and kissing, chances are you will never be comfortable with displays of affection from other men when you get older.
“I remember being in Italy, for example, and seeing fathers walking down the street, holding their son’s hands in a completely unaffected, natural way,” says Richardson. “You would never see that in Ireland.”
The strange anomaly in the subject of male hugging is, of course, sport. On the sports field men regularly engage in no-holds-barred hugging at times of heightened emotion with no evident trace of embarrassment.
On the terraces, men who are complete strangers are quite happy to hug the daylights out of each other to celebrate their team’s goal or try.
“I reckon the emotion just takes over,” says RTÉ’s rugby analyst Brent Pope by way of explanation. In the face of Ireland’s man-hug epidemic, the New Zealand native bravely admits to finding the whole male hugging thing rather tough to get to grips with.
“It’s something that I find reasonably difficult from a psychological perspective. In my days of playing it wasn’t considered manly to hug or kiss other players when you scored a try.
“You just put your head down and trotted back to position to get on with it. Even though you may have felt elated internally, you certainly didn’t show it.
“It’s becoming far more prevalent in rugby now, which I suppose comes from soccer. But in rugby it’s still the rugged hug, a ‘bouncing off the chest’ hug rather than anything more affectionate. It’s like they are saying, ‘okay, let’s show our delight but we won’t push it too far’.”
Social hugging between men is still relatively rare in New Zealand he says, even though the Maori culture is known for respectful displays of affection between friends and strangers.
“Rubbing of noses as a greeting is part of our culture, but hugging isn’t. It’s a lot more prevalent in Ireland, and there seems to be more of a bond here between men who have been friends a long time,” says Pope. “I find it awkward to hug men so I would certainly never be the instigator of a hug. It’s a source of regret for me that I can’t hug my father the way I would my mother, for example, but it’s just part of my upbringing I think. I come from a rural part of New Zealand and you were highly unlikely to see two farming men hugging each other.”
Dr Richardson cautions, however, against equating a lack of physical closeness with a lack of affection. “We often assume that just because there is no hugging or physical affection between men that there is no bond there. That’s simply not true. My own father, for example, would never have hugged or kissed me, but I was never in any doubt that I was anything other than loved and fully supported.
“As long as the relationship between two men is sound and both parties understand that physical closeness is not part of it, then that’s okay.”
The mechanics of the man hug
MEN'S HEALTH: The man hug is a variant of the traditional hug that allows you to show your affection for another man, while at the same time maintaining your masculinity. There are some very important general rules to obey when executing the man hug.
Man hugs must be done quickly with absolutely no lingering - anything more than three or four seconds of contact is way too much.
Under no circumstances should you close your eyes during a man hug. You will look like you are enjoying it, and enjoyable is not something a man hug should ever be.
Always keep your head completely still and your eyes looking over your buddy’s shoulder - try not to cock your head to one side as you would with a regular hug as this risks degenerating in to a “nuzzle” or worse, a “cuddle”.
The man hug should begin with a traditional firm handshake which means that you have time to size things up and pull out of the man hug if you feel things are not going well.
Some men take things a step further and use what might be called a “soul brother” handshake where the thumbs are interlocked. This is optional.
While keeping the handshake going, wrap your free arm around the shoulder of the other man. This is often called the “pull-in” and can be accompanied by a manly exhortation like - “come here ye big galoot!” The fact that it’s a single-arm embrace keeps things firmly in the masculine realm.
Before completing the man hug, it is absolute crucial to slap your friend’s back a minimum of three times - the harder the better - to remove any lingering tenderness. Man hugs should always be an uneasy coalition of aggression and affection. It’s your way of saying to your mate: “I’m hugging you but I’m also hitting you, so don’t read anything in to it.”
If you are really uncomfortable with the man hug, you can form a fist with your hand and punch his back instead of slapping.
Finally, release the embrace, confident in the knowledge that your masculinity is still intact.
If you want, you can follow up with a flurry of playful punches to the midriff.