THE TERM "behavioural control" refers to the pattern of responses a family adopts for dealing with three specific situations:

. physically dangerous situations;

. those that involve expressing and addressing psychobiological needs and drives such as eating, sleeping, drinking, eliminating, sexual activity;

. those involving personal and social interactions inside and outside the family.

. "Behavioural control" does not refer only to the management of children; it also includes consideration of how parents take control of their own behaviours in the three areas noted above.

Examples of physically dangerous situations for children include stairways, busy roadways, dangerous play areas, fireplaces. For parents, then, examples of out of control behaviours in this category which need to be managed include dangerous driving, violence and suicide attempts.

Likewise, with regard to psychobiological drives, adults need to model management of behaviour before they can expect children to do so. For example, adults should take control of wolfing down food, over eating, excessive drinking, sexual promiscuity and "taking to the bed". Children imitate their parents, particularly their actions - words often fall on deaf ears of children when they do not match the parents' actions.

Similarly, responsible social behaviour both within and outside the family must start with the parents. The distinction between inside and outside is important; what is acceptable within the home may not be tolerated outside the home. In addition, there is sometimes the child who is a "street angel" but a "house devil" - and vice versa.

Behavioural control starts with the parents. The parent who frequently loses control with a partner, other adult or child is hardly in a position to demand that others control themselves. The parent has the responsibility to be in control, and any loss of control with children is an abrogation of that responsibility.

Examples of "out of control" behaviours of parents within the home include:

. shouting at children;

. ordering, dominating and controlling children;

. using sarcasm and cynicism as means of control;

. ridiculing, scolding, criticising;

. labelling children as "bold", "stubborn", "stupid", "lazy", "no good";

. threatening children that the parent will leave them;

. threatening to send children away;

. physically threatening children;

. being physically violent;

. assigning punishments out of proportion to misdemeanours;

. pushing, pulling and shoving children;

. comparing one child with another;

. having an obvious favourite in the family;

. not calling the child by his or her first name;

. being too strict;

. expecting too much of children;

. showing no interest in children's welfare;

. letting children slide out of responsibility;

. not showing affection to children

. punishing mistakes and failures;

. never apologising for mistakes;

. not saying "please" and "thank you" to children;

. being inconsistent and unpredictable in response to children's irresponsible behaviours;

. allowing the children to control the parent;

. spoiling and over indulging children;

. withdrawing love from children;

. using hostile silences to attempt to control children.

It is important to realise that the parent who is out of control and responds critically and aggressively to the children is, in fact, giving the children control over him or her. In such a family, the children know that they can "get at" the parent and, since children are not given a lot of power in the home, this bit of power becomes a weapon to be employed - particularly when their self esteem is under threat.

Sometimes children's behaviour can be extremely exasperating and the parents' responsibility to stay in control of their behaviour may be severely put to the test. Should such a situation occur for you, it is always best to remove yourself from the child. The last thing you want to do is add fuel to the fire of the situation.

An aggressive response will either breed more unacceptable behaviour on the part of the child or withdrawal, and it will certainly damage the relationship between you and your child. If parents find it difficult to control their appetitive behaviours (eating, drinking) or critical and aggressive responses to their children or irresponsible actions of neglect, then these are clear signals that these parents have self esteem problems and are in need of professional help.

It is the responsibility of these parents who are troubled to seek help to resolve their difficulties - so that they do not pass on their emotional and behavioural problems to their children. Parenting classes are now much more readily available as are individual and parent counselling services. There are also many books, audio and video tapes available to aid parents with their own personal, interpersonal and child rearing responsibilities.