The Irish legal system alone cannot deal with the complex psychological, social and emotional issues surrounding separation and families who have to redefine their structure and existence. Such is the belief of a clinical psychologist, Dr Helen Greally, who highlights the need for a properly State-funded intervention service for separating couples at which attendance would be mandatory before children became involved.
Although separation is a painful process with many factors influencing it, Dr Greally, who is based in Galway, says public debate fails to take account of the many couples who separate well, causing as little distress as possible to their children. Perhaps, she suggests, we should be working with these couples to use their knowledge and life experiences to help other couples.
Dr Greally believes that one of the primary factors in the outcome of marital breakdown is the type of communication that has existed in the relationship to date.
If it was always a very conflicted type of communication, why should it be any different when going through the traumatic process of separation? Another significant factor is whether the separation is agreed between the parents. It is when parents are at different stages on their journey towards separation that conflict and bitterness are more likely to be present, she says.
Over the past 20 years, parents have been getting the strong message to keep their conflicts away from their children, but Dr Greally believes that the children who have had no warning of problems in the marriage are more at risk that those children who grew up with conflict and who knew and maybe even wished for what was to come.
Intervention with couples for at least six months before any change in living arrangements should be essential, according to Dr Greally, so that when children become aware of the situation, they are presented with parents who are clear about what they are doing.
She explains: "Having made the decision to separate, the options for separation range from private arrangements to fully contested court battles where the analogy of all-out war is the only one that would reflect what happens. In this scenario, people say and behave in ways that would be completely outside their normal behaviour in everyday life. Terrible accusations are levelled, often without any foundation and only because the parent is driven to hurt the other parent as much as possible."
Another concern of Dr Greally is a polarisation regarding the role of men and women and their respective treatment by the legal system. A recurring theme in marital breakdown, she says, is that very few parents have any role model about how to separate well, and are often relying on friends and acquaintances who have been through the experience themselves and may have ongoing difficulties.
She explains: "In the current debate, the focus which should be on parents and children is being sidetracked by emphasis on the mother/father custody battle and the rising rate of child death. We need to be aware of these issues, but this is not the only forum in which to examine them. To explain this increase by saying that fathers are being alienated and removed from their childrens' lives pays very little tribute to those many, many fathers who continue to be involved but do not resort to such drastic and life-ending actions."
"Neither does it recognise the many, many mothers who respect the role of fathers in their childrens' lives and make a significant contribution towards maintaining and protecting this. Each case of adult separation is unique and challenging and using simplistic arguments in the debate is regrettable and unhelpful," she says.
While the State-funded Family Mediation Service has been a positive and welcome addition to this area, Dr Greally points out that the very couples who most need this service will frequently attend only once or twice, and then stop - because the issues being raised are too painful and the reality of the marital breakdown becomes too immediate.
Interventions apart from the legal system should be available to these families along with the provision of a State-funded separation intervention service, she believes.
For the small number of parents who still need recourse to the legal system, Dr Greally suggests the establishment of an independent panel of childcare professionals with knowledge of the issues involved as this would considerably shorten the long case lists in the family law courts.
"We frequently refer to children as our greatest assets. Is it not time then that we started to seriously address the needs of this very important group of children whose future psychological well-being may depend to a considerable degree on the ability of their parents to separate in a healthy and fair fashion?" she asks.
Michelle McDonagh
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