Caiaphas sues over report on a plot to kill Jesus

Jerusalem, 32 AD - The High Priest, Dr Caiaphas, has begun libel proceedings against the Palestine Times newspaper following a report on Tuesday which said he was party to a plot to kill the preacher Jesus.

Iscariot and Iscariot (Jerusalem) Solicitors had sent a letter to the newspaper in advance of the report. It said it was aware the report was planned and warned that, if published, it would constitute "a grave defamation of our client".

It said proceedings of the Sanhedrin, the inner council of chief priests where the newspaper said the plot was discussed by Dr Caiaphas, were "of necessity in confidence" and that "any report which you may publish about such proceedings will constitute a grave violation of this principle".

Its client would not hesitate in instigating all such proceedings as may be necessary to remedy any consequence of publication, it said. The newspaper published the report anyhow.

It said that following the reappearance of Lazarus at Bethany last week a meeting of the Sanhedrin was called to discuss "the Jesus problem". Claims that he had performed miracles; that he was the Messiah; and now that he raised the dead "had simply got out of hand", one of the chief priests said.

"If we let him go on like this everyone will believe in him and then the Romans will turn on the whole lot of us. They will see him as a threat to their rule," he said. Dr Caiaphas is then alleged to have said: "You don't know the half of it. It is better for one man to die than for us all to be killed." The newspaper reported the meeting then discussed various plans to have Jesus killed.

As well as initiating legal proceedings Dr Caiaphas issued a strongly worded statement describing the Times report as "outrageous". "That a responsible newspaper should stoop so low is a further and worrying indication of the depths to which the media have sunk," he said.

He compared the report to one in the same newspaper some months ago which said the preacher John had been beheaded by King Herod as a gift to his step-daughter Salome after she danced for his dinner guests. The palace said John had been killed accidentally when he was mistaken by a (since deceased) executioner for another prisoner.

"And I notice the august Times has yet to apologise for that shocking report," Dr Caiaphas added.

Since the "plot" report was published Jesus has stopped appearing in public. He spent some of last week in Ephraim (formerly known as Oprah), a village on the edge of the desert. He also spent time with Lazarus in Bethany. A dinner was given in his honour in the village on Thursday night. It was prepared by Lazarus's sister, Martha.

To the discomfort of some guests, including friends of Jesus, Lazarus's other sister Mary poured a pint of NARD perfume on his feet and then wiped them with her hair. NARD is probably the most expensive perfume on the market.

Judas, treasurer to the Jesus campaign and its sometime publicity director, was unhappy about this. He is a member of the same family as Iscariot and Iscariot (Jerusalem) Solicitors firm mentioned above. Recently there have been unsubstantiated rumours about his handling of campaign funds.

"Why wasn't this perfume sold instead and the money given to the poor. It must have been worth at least a year's wages," he said. Jesus was dismissive. "Leave her alone," he said, "she was meant to save this for the day of my burial."

This comment was greeted with laughter as guests saw it as Jesus being ironic following the reports of a plot to kill him. "You will always have the poor but you won't always have me," he continued and they laughed again, assuming he was still being funny.

Judas, however, was angered still further by the comments. He interpreted them literally and commented to another guest about Jesus's "growing arrogance". He said: "He really thinks he's going to save the world, you know."

The guest then suddenly thumped the table. "Now I have it . . ." he said and laughed. He explained he had just understood graffiti he had seen on a wall in Jerusalem which read: "Jesus Saves, Judas Invests."