All the lonely men: how to survive the ‘friendship recession’

“I just don’t like you no more.” Simple, inarguable, heartbreaking. One of Ireland’s most successful and critically acclaimed films, The Banshees of Inisherin, centred on the disintegration of a friendship between two men who live on an island plagued by loneliness. Though set in the 1920s, the film struck a chord with modern audiences.

Amid rising rates of loneliness in Ireland, Britain and the United States, men are experiencing a particular form of isolation, coined a “friendship recession”. Research conducted by the Survey Centre of American Life found that men’s social landscape was in decline, with the percentage of men who have at least six close friends falling by half since 1990, from 55 per cent to 27 per cent. The study also found the percentage of men without any close friends jumped fivefold, from 3 per cent to 15 per cent.

Loneliness doesn’t just affect men. Research from Core shows that, in Ireland, three in five adults experience loneliness, and these levels are highest among with women aged 18-29 and men age 30-44. However, there seems to be a qualitative difference in how men are impacted by loneliness, with men reporting more intense feelings of loneliness – sometimes with devastating consequences.

[ Lonely people are not just sadder: they are unhealthier and die youngerOpens in new window ]

In the US, the surgeon general Dr Vivkek Murthy has said loneliness is a public health crisis, highlighting that sustained loneliness is a contributing risk factor for heart disease, stroke and dementia. Loneliness can be lethal – the Dr Murthy reports that “lacking social connection increases risk of premature death by more than 60 per cent”. In 2021, 449 Irish people died by suicide, and 80 per cent of those deaths were men. The male suicide rate in Ireland is 14.9 per 100,000, which is four times the rate of suicide by women. Although there are always systemic reasons that affect loneliness and mental health, for men, making and keeping meaningful friendships could literally save their lives.

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Part of this male friendship deficit problem is that we don’t teach young men how to prioritise their friendships or how to deepen existing friendships. While young boys often create strong connections with their playmates and are openly affectionate with each other, the closeness of these connections can drop off during adolescence and early adulthood – right when young men are undergoing shifts in identity and autonomy and need support and understanding the most.

Dr Seán O’Connell is an Irish chartered psychologist with the Institute of Psychology who works with children and adolescents. He reports that there’s an increase in loneliness among 18- to 24-year-olds in Ireland, often due to a range of factors such as leaving the friend groups they knew at school and finding it hard to meet new people, feeling social anxiety, and of course the impact of the pandemic, which made a lot of young people miss not only big milestones but the chance to develop social skills. But there’s also a lack of education around the importance of healthy friendships, says O’Connell, particularly as boys become teens and may become more self-conscious.

“It is so beneficial, so in secondary school there needs to be education on specific topics on psychology and connection and relationships, so that as they grow – especially with hormones and their developmental phases – that by the time they leave school as an adult, they have specific relational skills that allow them to flourish. You can’t lose if you are investing in mental health promotion, vocabulary, relationships, emotional vocabulary, what’s okay, what’s not okay, all of those aspects.”

O’Connell says that without input and education around what healthy, fulfilling friendships look like, boys and young men will instead internalise what is being modelled around them – and these influences may be damaging and unhealthy. “A classic example is lad culture,” says O’Connell. It’s clear from the rise in popularity of figures such as Andrew Tate that young men are searching for role models – but when the loudest messages they receive is that men should be hyper-independent and prove their worth not through authentic connection but through the accumulation of wealth and degradation of women, the importance of friendship is going to be overlooked, and the ability to deepen friendship through vulnerability and connection will be undermined.

Under the limits of traditional gender roles, emotional connection can often be viewed as a female trait, and it’s important these stereotypes are dismantled. Without the relationship skills of sharing and emotionally connecting, boys and men can feel unable to express grief, loss or insecurity when life gets difficult, heightening their sense of loneliness and isolation.

“A lot of this comes down to really questioning what it means to be male, what it means to be a man in terms of identity,” says O’Connell, who stresses the importance of teaching young men about how limited views of masculinity can shut down authentic connection. “How we reference what maleness is is hopefully becoming kind of stronger in terms of emotional vocabulary, understanding that masculinity can include vulnerability and care and so much more. It’s about looking at the stereotypes of ‘men don’t cry’ or things like that. There’s still a shadow of that there, and that will 100 per cent shut people down when they might need help or support.”

One organisation that is acutely aware of how men need friendship and connection to not only survive difficult times but thrive is Men’s Sheds. It was originally founded in Australia to give retired men a hobby and sense of purpose. An Irish version first opened in 2011, with a slightly different aim.

“The sheds were started very much by lads who were going through life changes,” says Ben Dolan, the communications officer for Irish Men’s Sheds. “Obviously retirement was a big one. But also bereavement can be a big one, where a man is left on his own, or a relationship break-up, and men don’t tend to have the same social support structures as women. So a very important part of the shed is that a fella can go [there] for a couple of hours and work on a project or just chat and have the craic.”

Men’s Sheds in Ireland caters for all age demographics. Organisers have noticed an increase in younger men looking for ways to combat isolation. This intergenerational mix and community focus of Men’s Sheds is one example of what sociologists refer to as a “third space”; a social connective place that is separate from an individual’s workplace and home. Researchers have shown that third places are vital in creating a sense of place that contributes to a sense of community and civic engagement, but with Irish society moving away from the church and pub, and with the housing crisis forcing people to move farther away from friends and family, these third spaces are harder to find. For many Irish men, Men’s Sheds now fill that gap. Each shed is different. Many have specific focuses. Some specialise in mental health, but many sheds focus on helping men develop particular skills and work on community projects.

The focus on workshops and contributing to the community is based on research into men’s mental health and wellbeing, which shows that these activities can create a sense of purpose and belonging that can greatly benefit men’s self-esteem, combat loneliness and improve men’s health outcomes. But they also cater to the particular ways in which men’s friendships are formed. Men often find it easier to bond over a shared activity like sports, DIY projects or even a simple walk – the “shoulder-to-shoulder” method of connection, rather than sitting across from each other and talking, which can feel more vulnerable.

“They say that men don’t talk, even in a safe space. But, you know, throw a lawnmower in the middle of the room and within an hour, they will have been talking about more than they have probably spoken to anybody in a long time,” says Dolan. Men’s Sheds accommodate this initial method of connection between men, and then allow those relationships to build over time.

This development and deepening of friendship is important, because if men’s friendships remain solely based around shared activities, then life transformations such as moving, having a baby or simple schedule changes that disrupt the activity can mean the friendships simply fall away. O’Connell says that although some activity friendships are still important and beneficial within their parameters, it’s important for men to consider the function of their friendships and taking steps to strengthen and protect connections that are important to them.

“Sometimes all they have is that hour on the pitch every Tuesday and Thursday, and that’s okay,” says O’Connell. “But if you enjoy the company of the other person and you see them as a friend, then it means expanding and taking that very small risk to lean into a different idea of what constitutes a friend and the shape of that friendship. If you feel the friendship is worthwhile, maybe try carve out time on a Saturday and say, ‘Hey, do you want to go to the cinema?’ or something different so you’re creating a broader foundation.” Even causally reaching out through a quick text tends to mean more to people than we realise, signalling care and affection.

Irish men creating and building lasting friendships not only has positive outcomes for men’s physical and mental health – it benefits their romantic relationships and Irish society. Ben Dolan remarks that Men’s Sheds play a vital role in integration, particularly in communities with large immigrant communities. After all, prejudice can’t exist in proximity, and fostering connection between Irish men and foreign nationals is a way of combating social division. “We have a lot of men who have come from other parts of the world and I suppose, just by the nature of their discombobulation, have ended up in isolation. They no longer have their sort of social supports and structures. Se we’re getting a lot of members who come from other parts of the world and we’re really seeing the sheds as a powerful vehicle for integration. When you put two fellas side by side on a bench and they’re just making a piece of work or doing some art or they’re singing in a choir, they just become just buddies and men.”

For men in relationships with women, forming deep and fulfilling friendships can add to the health of their romantic partnerships. Dolan jokes that Men’s Sheds can sometimes be called a “husband babysitting service”, but the benefits are inarguable. Research published in the Psychology of Gender and Health in 2017 showed that men who over-rely on female partners for mental health and emotional support can see their relationships suffer. The study showed that men who pride themselves on maintaining a traditional image of masculinity in public often won’t confide in their friends or seek out emotional support, instead relying solely on their intimate relationships for emotional and mental health support. This can create conflict and tension in relationships as women are expected to provide the support of an entire social network.

“There are so many instances of men saying their marriage wouldn’t have survived without it,” says Dolan. “I’m thinking of a man in Kinsale, they had moved from another country and their supports had been taken away, and that put extra pressure on their relationship. He told me that if he hadn’t found the shed, their wife would have either killed him or thrown him out! It’s definitely conducive to better relationships. Women appreciate that their husbands or partners have a social outlet that’s not connected to them and is an extra source of support.”

This support can come from friendships with women, too. Often, discussions of men’s friendship solely focus on their friendship with other men, but mixed gender friendships are vitally important to men’s wellbeing. Unfortunately, O’Connell notes, a romance and sex-obsessed culture can often prevent men from seeking out friendships with women out of fear of their intentions being misconstrued. Here again, a shared activity can be helpful in breaking the ice and creating comfort – or a simple object to focus on.

I recall my first few months of moving to a new neighbourhood, when local women of all ages made a point of saying hello and welcoming me. But it wasn’t until I took my lawnmower to the front grass that my male neighbours descended, offering me advice on the best mowing practices – a sweet way of introducing themselves by being helpful and perhaps avoiding any misinterpretation of being a man approaching a woman.

“That’s exactly it,” says O’Connell. “There can be an anxiety of thinking, ‘Oh will there be an assumption there if I approach?’ It’s unfortunate, because mixed-gender friendships are so important, but you still see this stereotype in movies and TV shows that it’s not possible.” Thankfully, the increasing focus on hobbies that welcome all genders is helping more men and women mix and create new friendships – Men’s Sheds also welcomes female members.

But for men looking to deepen their connections with people of any gender so they can move from “casual acquaintance” level to “real friend”, O’Connell has one simple bit of advice: ask better questions, and regularly.

“Be curious,” says O’Connell. “Ask specific questions – don’t just do the Irish thing of saying ‘How are ya?’ ‘Grand’ and leave it there. Asking questions is showing interest in the other person. It creates opportunity to get to know each other better, it opens up different points of connection. Try it out once a month, once a week – you’ll be really surprised at the response.”

Self-help books and therapy can also be hugely beneficial, acting as a personal trainer for the mind and emotional skills – but another important thing to remember is that building friendship can take time. It can take time and effort to push though the initial small-talk stage and overcome moments of awkwardness to reach a point of real connection.

“It’s like dating or finding love,” says O’Connell. “You need to put effort into it, but it’s worth it.”