How to appreciate your partner: Often what attracts us is what eventually irritates us

In the hard yards of a long-term relationship, it can be easy to forget what made you fall in love in the first place. They say opposites attract – the extrovert and the introvert, the rule-breaker and the rule-keeper, the perfectionist can fall hard for the devil may care. Often what attracts us is what eventually irritates us, says Linda Breathnach, member of the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and founder of therapyandtraining.ie.

“It can become a bone of contention as we progress in the relationship, so accepting our differences and accepting that our own way isn’t always the right way is important,” says Breathnach.

Good intentions

So they stack the dishwasher the wrong way, put too much milk in your tea or never get quite the right gift? Instead of dwelling on the disappointment or irritation, try looking at the good intention behind their action, not what you think was wrong.

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If they’ve been making your cuppa wrongly for 15 years, when they hand it to you with that gesture of love, that’s not the time to say there is too much milk in it, says Breathnach. “There may be time to do it later on – I take less milk now – tell them that separately at a totally different time rather than when the gesture is happening.”

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Amplify the good stuff

Is your partner the one who always does the cooking, fills out the forms, pays the bills or deals with the school? Think about the things they do and stop taking those things for granted.

Tune into it and acknowledge it, says Breathnach. “Even say a simple ‘Thank you, I’m so glad you did that bit because I hate doing it.’”

Compare and despair

So Tony and Maria down the road are love in a bucket, always holding hands, having romantic dinners and booking weekends away? Try not to compare. “If you are sitting at home in your PJs scrolling Instagram and you see somebody having a fabulous time and your house is upside down, you are not comparing like for like,” says Breathnach. “We have no idea what goes on in another relationship, we don’t really know how they are.” Comparison is the thief of joy.

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Instead look back at how your relationship used to be. “Look at the little habits or gestures that have slipped and maybe you can bring them back.” If you used to love going to gigs together, try to do more of it.

Adapt

Good relationships are a long game. Partners may go through childbirth, bereavement, career change, ill-health – all of these external stressors can change a relationship, says Breathnach. “With each new challenge, our expectations of ourselves and each other can change. We might not have communicated that to our partner, or we might need to adapt to somebody who has changed.” Those best at adapting have the best chance of survival.

Roles in a relationship can change over time too as children get older, as a partner’s career has peaks and troughs, or even during the recent pandemic, says Breathnach. “Make allowances for those changes. Trust that some of the phases and changes are temporary. If we can keep the lines of communication open, we can work through it.”