Yes, the questions are real! How our advice columnists answer your queries

Are the questions real? How do they choose which queries to answer? And do they ever hear back from readers after they've published a response to their letter? We asked Irish Times advice columnists Roe McDermott, Trish Murphy and John Sharry for an insight into their work.

Roe McDermott, sex and relationships columnist

Let me address a frequent question first: yes, all the questions are real! As someone who has always loved advice columns (and has sent in my own questions to a few in my time), I find the scepticism around advice columns curious and a little bit sad. Advice columns are spaces where people get to be vulnerable, to discuss their emotional, personal and sexual lives, and to be brave and open enough to ask for a different perspective or a way to move forward.

The idea that people shouldn’t care enough about their emotional, psychological and sexual lives to ask for advice is based in a lot of outdated (usually misogynistic) ideas that anything dealing with emotions, relationships or sex was either “soft” and feminine and therefore unworthy, or deviant and perverted. Thankfully, our culture has shifted and is recognising both the importance of emotional and psychological health, and the need to speak about sex and sexuality openly and honestly so that everyone can feel safe, respected and empowered.

It’s increasingly accepted and encouraged to want to understand the emotional currents that underlie our behaviours, and to seek tools and supports to help us navigate and nourish our relationships. I’ve always believed that advice columns play a small but lovely role in this social evolution, exploring common issues and difficulties in ways that are accessible, public and hopefully conversation-starting.

Dear Future Ireland ... A message from 2022

---

Rosita Boland: When the email went unanswered I felt a rising dread

---

Hilary Fannin: I’m ashamed and overwhelmed by the war

---

Choosing which questions to publish is always an interesting exercise, as I have to weigh up my ability to give some guidance to the letter writer and my responsibility to the reader. An interesting phenomenon always happens when I answer a question on one particular topic – for example, libido differences in relationships – and then we immediately get an influx of questions on the same topic. I believe this happens because reading the column makes people think about their own lives; seeing the question in print gives them a sense of permission and empowerment to ask for help. (Or sometimes people read me telling someone to get out of an unhealthy relationship and want to convince me that one single detail of their own relationship is different, so it can be saved, right? Wrong, usually.)

But I also don’t want to repeat questions on the same theme incessantly. The trick is finding the balance between varied questions while still addressing issues that affect a lot of people.

A simple but important factor that affects whether a letter gets chosen for the column is its length and clarity. Very long letters often contain multiple questions, and editing them down to fit the column space would remove too much information for me to be confident I’m serving the letter writer to the best of my ability. The very few times I have tried to edit down a long letter for the column, I’ve had to remove details that provide context to readers about the advice I am giving, and then there have been questions from readers about my advice.

I’ve been grateful for that feedback, because it means our readers are really invested in every letter writer and want them to get the best advice possible, which is a lovely, protective dynamic that I’m glad we have cultivated. But it does illustrate that I’m responsible both to letter writers and readers, and trying to answer very long letters doesn’t serve either very well.

Another reason I may not answer a question is that I simply don’t feel an advice column is the appropriate place to answer it. In the column, I often recommend therapy, but sometimes people with ongoing mental health problems, urgent crises or medical issues simply need to see a professional from the outset.

When I do answer a letter, I try to be empathetic, informative, and to think about what I would tell a friend in the same circumstances – and as my friends would attest, sometimes that means I dole out some tough love. But the letter format also allows for some interesting explorations. For example, when reading a question, one thing that always intrigues me is what the letter writer does not mention, or obvious issues they brush over.

So many questions about relationships don’t mention anything good about a partner, or refer to all-encompassing emotions such as guilt or shame without explaining the source of that emotion. Addressing these absences can be a helpful way of exploring what the letter writer is unconsciously prioritising, or the narratives they have unquestioningly written about themselves or their relationships. So often, people are stuck in a narrative about themselves or their relationship and need to be presented with a different possibility.

I am occasionally tempted to just write “just dump them already!” in response to some questions – and very occasionally I will, in slightly more polite terms. But life and love are complicated beasts, and I am aware that it’s much easier to tell someone to leave a long-term partner than it is to actually leave, so I try to give people options and guidance on how to move forward if they want to give their relationship another chance. I also unfortunately occasionally get letters from people who are in abusive or extremely unhealthy relationships, and it’s important for them to know that if I am telling them unequivocally that they need to leave, I don’t write that casually or lightly.

I very occasionally get updates from letter writers, and I’d love to receive more; perhaps we could publish them to update our readers, too.

[ irishtimes.com/dearroe ]

Trish Murphy, psychotherapist and Tell Me About It columnist

Questions seem to come from the core of what is happening people, and more often than not, represent what is happening in the world at large. Sometimes they are written so fast that they come across like an outpouring of need. The only concern might be that the writer reveals too much about themselves or their circumstances and these details may need to be taken out so confidentiality is maintained. All questions get answered, though not in order of arrival. For example, if there are a few questions on a similar topic it is best to leave time between publishing them so that there is a freshness to the column.

Many people are prompted to write having researched a topic, found the column and recognised that other people share their concerns – these letters come from all over the world. There are many heart-breaking letters, such as those suffused with loneliness, mental health problems or relationship breakdown and it obvious that the suffering of the writers is extreme, and they are longing for a way forward. Many readers find solace in the knowledge that other people also go through very tough times and that they are not alone in their difficulty.

When answering there are two main aspects: the first is to address the writer and their particular position, and the second is to generalise so that it has traction with readers. For example, it is possible to speak to someone’s difficulty with their hyper critical mother while also pointing to how anyone might handle judgment or dismissal from an important person in their lives or work.

People write seeking help with something painful or challenging and that must be respected before pointing them in a direction that might offer relief – so compassion is the first step. There can be a strong suggestion made but people generally only accept this if they first feel heard and understood, and it can be hard to achieve this in 800 words; this is often my biggest challenge.

There is a responsibility to many people in writing a problem page: to my professional colleagues in adhering to our ethos and standards; to Irish Times readers in keeping them abreast of the emotional and psychological state of the nation; and mostly to the writers who have been brave enough to put their issues up for public discussion. Thank you to them for their trust and faith in my ability to respond.

[ irishtimes.com/health ]

John Sharry, parenting columnist

For 11 years I have had the privilege of writing a parenting advice column in The Irish Times. At the centre of each column is a real question from a parent who is concerned for their child. I don’t think I would feel as driven to write a weekly social commentary or opinion piece; the fact that there is a real family needing help keeps me motivated to spend a morning each weekend writing a practical response.

In my day job, I work as a mental health professional with the Parents Plus Charity and I develop evidence-based parenting and mental health programmes. In writing the parenting column, I try to avoid opinion or controversy and instead provide evidence-based advice as to what might work best for an individual family. Evidence and research is important in my work, and I am always frustrated by a focus in the media on stoking controversy or promoting a new “faddish” approach to parenting rather than on educating the public about the evidence.

Lots of what works in parenting is common sense such as the importance of listening to children, though it can be really hard to do this in practice (many of my columns outline practical ways to listen during tough challenges). Sometimes what works best in parenting, however, is not common sense and I spend time in my columns trying to counter common myths. For example, there is often lots of pressure to toilet train children at young ages, which is not developmentally possible for many and can lead to long-term constipation and toileting problems.

In choosing questions, I try to pick ones that are relevant to the wide range of families reading the column, but I also pick ones that highlight issues that are not often talked about and provide a voice to families who are not often heard.

Half of the questions I answer come via The Irish Times website, and with these families I have no interaction or feedback about how the answer works for them. The other half come from parents who attend my courses and talks. With these parents I have more interaction and feedback on what works for them.

I am constantly learning, not only by following the latest studies on parenting, but mostly from listening to the parents and children I work with. In my view, the parents are the stars of the weekly column. Regular readers might notice the common principles in my advice, but the voice of the person asking the question is always original and always unique.

I feel a great responsibility writing the column, but I also believe in the value of good advice. How we parent our children is extremely important, yet it is far from easy. If you need help, reach out for advice and support from trusted sources.

[ parentsplus.ie ]