Y our books have been translated into 15 languages and I Love You But I'm Not In Love with You , aimed at women, was an international best-seller. Your latest, My Wife Doesn't Love Me Anymore , is aimed at men. What is the main mistake husband's make? He tries to rationalise and that's not taking her anger seriously. Or he goes for the quick fix – the magic solution, a trip on the Orient Express. It comes across as either buying her off or not taking her seriously .
In your
sex-help book,
Make Love Like a Prairie Vole
, you write that prairie voles have the most passionate monogamous long-term relationships
, but meadow voles are always alone. How does a woman know she's met a prairie vole and not a relationship-shy meadow vole?
I think that often sometimes people don't listen when their partner says "I'm not interested in a serious relationship". What women hear is "I'm not interested in a relationship at the moment" and think "I'm going to love you so much I'm going to persuade you to". So, of course, you're laying yourself open for upset.
What's your advice for single women in their late 30s who want to have children before it's too late but can't find a man?
The more anxious you are the more off-putting that is, and generally they've had some pretty unfortunate experiences and are very defended. Normally this is because their parents got divorced when they were young and they've seen first-hand how painful a break-up can be and therefore they put up walls. So this relationship they are looking for has to be huge, the chemistry has to be so incredibly high to blast away all of their fears and the problem is a lot of good relationships don't actually start like that. You can fall in love over time; relationships that start with an incredibly strong attraction can burn themselves out.
What about sex on the first date?
Oh, please no. Don't because what you are trying to do is find if you have an emotional match. The minute you start having sex with them you start being bonded to them, do you want to be bonded to a complete stranger? If you are looking for a lifelong partner, you want to know them as a person. Getting drunk and having sex is fine if you're 17 but if you're 37 you are wasting your time.
Why are so many men in their 30s unwilling to settle down?
It is a complete and utter tragedy and incredibly unfair but basically people don't settle down until they feel financially capable and unfortunately that's happening later and later. Research shows it takes somebody six years after they finish full-time education, basically that's 30 for the kind of women we are talking about – sensible, grown-up people with careers. So there is a window between 30 and 35, a terribly tight target.
Are you saying be very disciplined about the search?
I would say you need to sort out your baggage, because if you have a whole lot of it it's going to be an awful lot harder. Men tend to hand their emotional well-being over to their wives so they want somebody very stable. Who wants to have children with a lunatic? I'm being slightly tongue in cheek, but do you really want have children with somebody who is incredibly high maintenance?
Men too say they have difficulty meeting the right woman, what's up with them?
Their problem tends to be they're far too nice.
Women don't find nice sexy?
That's the first problem, they end up becoming friends as opposed to lovers. Generally these nice men's fathers have left and they've become their mother's surrogate partners, which is not very attractive. Nobody wants someone who loves their mother more than you.
That's it?
In a nutshell, that tends to be the problem. Also, they've got no money. Or they're short. Women don't like short men.
Unless they're rich?
Unless they're very rich.
What do men find unattractive in women?
Men don't want to hitch themselves to angry or neurotic women. Maybe women don't realise the anger they're putting out – "all men are bastards, they love you and leave you". Lots of fathers have made their daughters very angry. Society makes women angry – they have to be beautiful, slim, to be a great success . . . it makes them very anxious.
You meet someone, get married and after a few years your husband brings home your book for men,
My Wife Doesn't Love Me Anymore
, is she going to see the book and freak?
No because she's already told him she's about to tell the kids and leave.
Do some couples just give up on sex?
They don't give up, they only have sex when both of them are feeling spontaneously horny, which basically means sex on holiday. Don't share a room with your children on holiday and put a lock on your bedroom door.
andrewgmarshall.com
Kate Holmquist’s personal advice column appears on Tuesdays, write to tellmeaboutit@ireland.com
