Dear Roe,
I’m a 42-year-old man and I got divorced four years ago. My ex-wife and I lived together in Ireland when we were married but she now lives in the UK. We are not in frequent contact but are cordial. I have been in a relationship for nearly a year and my girlfriend and I have decided to move in together.
She will be moving into my house because I own it, but she is now demanding that we get rid of everything that I shared with my ex-wife and buy everything new – literally everything. She wants to completely redecorate and buy all new furniture, paintings, she even suggested a new bath.
She says she needs me to do this to show that I’m not clinging on to old memories. I love her but I think she’s being ridiculous. I like my house and don’t want to spend thousands to prove something. My sister says she understands my girlfriend’s request. What do you think?
Pause your plan to move in together, because there are some issues to discuss here.
When couples move in together – especially into a house that one of them already lives in – it is important to discuss how to make it feel like home for both of you. For some couples this could involve some redecorating, or one partner doing a big clear-out to make room for the other person’s items, or rejigging the use of the rooms in the house so that everyone’s needs are met. Doing this can be its own ritual of sorts, marking a transition from living separately to living together – merging your styles and creating a home that fits both of you.
It can also be an important time to discuss and accommodate any potential power imbalance when one person is the homeowner and the other isn’t – emotionally and legally. If a partner throws out a lot of their belongings to move into your house, will they feel like an equal in this shared home? And what happens if you break up? Would the person who is moving in simply be left with nowhere to go and no furniture? It’s important to have these conversations, not to be fatalistic but to ensure that you both get to express your needs and fears, and accommodate them.
However, your girlfriend’s demand to completely redecorate your whole house isn’t rooted in a desire for connection and equality, but insecurity. She feels threatened by your previous relationship and is trying – though the medium of furniture – to erase it. This isn’t healthy, particularly given that she doesn’t seem to have any reason to believe you are immoderately attached to your ex-wife. The idea that your furniture and belongings are somehow tainted by a past relationship points to some jealousy and possibly emotional immaturity that needs to be addressed.
Wanting to redecorate together as a bonding exercise is fine. Wanting to whitewash your past with paint to pretend she is the only woman you have ever been with is another issue entirely. Stop packing, start talking.
Roe McDermott is a writer, Fulbright scholar and Next Generation award winner with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University