Was I too hasty in leaving my uncertain boyfriend?

Dear Roe,

I’m a woman in my 30s and was recently seeing a man for a few months. Although lockdown limited some of our dates and how we managed our relationship, we were in a good space and it was all very lovely. Out of nowhere, he said he wanted to put the brakes on and that he was confused about what he was looking for. It completely floored me. He didn’t give any explanation except to say that he didn’t want to see me that weekend as planned and that he needed time to think about how he was feeling. He asked if we could meet again after he had time to think, but I told him that I didn’t want to do that and that it was better if we just ended things. We haven’t had any contact since. I’m really upset about this and miss him. I really thought that things between us had long-term potential. I’m wondering if I was too harsh and if I should have hung in there and let him have the time to think. At the same time, I want to be with someone who wants to be with me too and knows that they do. Did I do the right thing, or was I too harsh?

There seems to be a potential middle ground between the binary you have created for your relationships; a possibility that exists between respecting your desire to feel secure and appreciated, and completely deferring to this man’s confusion and uncertainty. That possibility is, simply, making room for both experiences.

It’s understandable to feel unmoored and hurt by a partner’s sudden withdrawal or expression of doubt about a relationship you were invested in. Your response seems like a very understandable protective mechanism to prevent your emotions from being toyed with. But protective mechanisms can also be walls. By shutting out any vulnerability and uncertainty, you’re also shutting out the possibility for joy or simply, understanding. This relationship may indeed not have worked out: it was early days, he had doubts, Covid relationships are tough, life happens. But by pre-emptively deciding that his uncertainty was a reason to immediately end the relationship and never speak to him again, you’ve actually trapped yourself in a cycle of uncertainty, as you wonder whether you did the right thing.

Cocktails to make, beers to buy: John Wilson’s summer drinks guide

---

Eimear Ryan: ‘I thought that there was some trick to writing a novel’

---

‘I am obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex. How can I move on?’

---

Spend it Better: How to treat plastic like the precious resource it is

---

In the future, either with this man or in other relationships, what would it mean to hold space for uncertainty and vulnerability – yours and your partner’s? What would it have meant to respond to his request for space to say: “To be honest, that makes me feel vulnerable because I want to be sure the person I like is invested in me, and this sudden uncertainty is throwing me a lot. So waiting for you in an open-ended way won’t work for me emotionally. But can we talk in a week to clarify how we’re both feeling, either way?” You can make space for other people’s feelings while respecting your own needs and setting boundaries. You can hold some space for uncertainty while not letting it – or the fear of it – define your life.

You can protect yourself from people who don’t fulfil you, while not shoving them out of your life so rapidly that you’re left looking at their coats in your closet forever. You can tell potential partners about your needs, listen to theirs - and if they don’t align, thank them for stopping by and wave them off, certain that you did what was best for you.