That’s Men: The ex factor: We need to talk about Christmas

If you are a separated father, you will know that it isn’t too early to start thinking about Christmas arrangements for your children. Here are some tips that may help you to negotiate this emotional minefield with the minimum of upset.

First, if you are able to have a conversation with your ex about the arrangements, start talking now. Christmas is difficult to organise under the best of circumstances, and even more so when parents are separated.

If your ex won’t talk to you – or if you won’t talk to your ex – perhaps you could ask a friend or relative to help with the negotiations. Going to a solicitor should be a last resort.

When will you see the children? Will it be Christmas Day? Will it be in their own home? Would it be in yours? Will it be somewhere else? All of these questions need discussing as calmly as possible.

And if seeing them on Christmas Day isn’t going to work out, think of Christmas Eve or St Stephens’s Day.

Depending on circumstances, you might also need to broach the delicate question as to whether a new partner, if there is one, will be present when the visit takes place.

Remember that grandparents matter hugely to children and that the arrangements should, if possible, allow for the kids to see them.

Are your children living with other children from your ex-partner’s new relationship? Consider buying at least modest Christmas presents for those children as well, so as not to create divisions within the family in which your children are actually living.

It is also important, if you’re in communication with the other parent, to have some sort of agreement or coordination regarding presents. You don’t want the children getting the same gifts from both parents and, in my view, you should also not buy a present which the parent they are living with has told them they can’t have.

So if the child’s request for an iPhone 6 Plus has been turned down by the live-in parent, then buying the child an iPhone 6 Plus can only undermine that parent and worsen relationships.

If there are certain activities, such as visits to grandparents, that the children used to associate with Christmas, enabling them to do the same this Christmas would, I think, help them to have a sense of continuity and minimise the effects of separation. Remember, though, that the children are a year older than they were last Christmas and they may have grown out of certain activities.

Remember also that as the children grow into the teenage years they may want to spend more time with their own peer group than with either of their parents. I see nothing wrong with accommodating this, within reason. It isn’t a reflection on you: it’s just how teenagers are.

Think also of what is practical and what isn’t. Asking the kids to travel long distances to fit in both parents could bring a lot of unenjoyable disruption to their Christmas. And if there are certain Christmas activities, such as school plays or close friends’ parties, that conflict with your visit, see if your arrangements can be changed to accommodate them.

What if things are so bad that you simply cannot reach agreement about Christmas or that your efforts to do your best for the children at Christmas are ignored?

First, remember that Christmas will pass and that while you will feel hurt and angry you should avoid winding yourself up by going over the situation endlessly in your head. Second, make Christmas as good and safe for yourself as you can in the circumstances: your children want a dad who is alive and well all year round far more than they need to see you on Christmas Day. Send cards and presents by post if you cannot deliver them in person.

Finally, in this situation, be cautious about telling your children you are being prevented from seeing them: consider whether this will add to their unhappiness. Pádraig O'Morain is a counsellor accredited to the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His latest book is Mindfulness on the Go. His mindfulness newsletter is free by email. pomorain@yahoo.com