Question: I am looking for advice on how best to prepare my children for a move from Ireland to New Zealand. They are four, six and eight years old. They're very happy at school and with their school friends. They also have cousins and grandparents they'd miss.
We have to go to New Zealand at relatively short notice due to my husband’s employment and for other family reasons. We lived there before we had children for five years and were happy there and think that it will provide a better quality of life for our children in the long term. But I am aware the move might be hard for them in the short term.
Do you have any advice on how to handle the move, telling the children, how to word it, packing, leaving school etc? The good news is I won’t have work for a while and so can help the children settle as they get into new schools. We will need to quarantine in a hotel room for 14 days on arrival, which is another challenge.
Answer: Planning to emigrate with children is a big decision with lots of implications so you are right to consider it carefully and to think through how to prepare your children. The fact that they are relatively young is an advantage. Older children and teenagers are usually much more established in their peer groups and social activities meaning that a move to new location can be experienced as a bigger rupture. The world of younger children is much more family centred so once their parents move with them then they experience less disruption. Further, the fact that you have three children close in age is an also an advantage – they are all going through this transition together and they have each other to share the adventure with. Once you support their relationships with each other this should make it all much easier for them.
Telling your children together
Once the decision to emigrate is final, it is best to tell them as soon as possible so they have time to prepare and to visualise the move. It is a good idea to tell them together so there can be shared questions and family planning. When you talk them about the move, it is important to be upbeat and positive focused on the many opportunities that the move will bring. It is an advantage that you have both lived in new Zealand before so you know what it is like and so you can sell the move to them in a positive way. Make sure to also allow time for questions to be asked and for worries to be aired.
Set up a regular family planning meeting
Remember once you tell them it is important to involve them in the planning and preparation according to their age to and ability. A good way to approach things might be to have a regular “family planning meeting” (perhaps after dinner once a week) where you sit down together and brainstorm ideas and make plans for the move. This is a good way of helping the children work together as a team and to learn to support one another through the transition. Apart from their relationships with you, their relationships with each other will be their most important support system.
You can continue the family meeting ritual once you arrive in New Zealand, when you can check in regularly with them and ensure they are all settling in well.
Listening to children individually
As well as telling them together, it is also important to also have individual conversations with them so you can listen to their individual questions and concerns. Your children are all individuals and so have different needs and will cope differently. Your eldest may be the most worried about the move, though the others will have their concerns also. If worries and concerns come up, make sure to give time and space to listen rather than moving on quickly. For example, if your child says they will miss family or school, don’t immediately jump in with: “It will be fine and you will settle quickly.” Instead take time to listen and acknowledge their feelings: “I know, we will all miss seeing granny everyday” or “It is hard leaving good friends behind.” Once feelings are acknowledged then you can explore how they might cope and adapt: “The good news is that we be able to keep in touch with granny online and she might visit next year” or “The schools in New Zealand are great the three of you will be starting together so you can help each other.”
Addressing the quarantine
The 14-day quarantine does make the initial part of your move more challenging. Having three young kids holed up in a hotel is not anyone’s idea of fun. When you talk to the children try to focus on the adventure part of it ( that you will be hunkering down together as a family playing games, watching movies etc) and put together the best plan you can. To make this go well, I would seek guidance from the authorities in New Zealand as to what the options are for families and what advise they have for taking young children through the quarantine.
John Sharry is founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD school of psychology. See solutiontalk.ie for details of courses and articles