‘My perfect man wants to move continents – should I go with him?’

Dear Roe,

I'm a woman in my late 30s and I'm in love with a wonderful man. He's smart, exciting, ambitious. We had met in our 20s but weren't close, and he's spent the past decade out of the country. We had reconnected online but he was working in South America when Covid hit and decided to come home. When he came home we met up and instantly there was an intense connection. We even rearranged our social bubbles so we could be together. Despite all the stresses of life right now, he has made this time wonderful.

The problem is that he is planning to go back to South America during the summer for at least a year or two. He has asked me to go with him, but it would mean moving away from my family in Ireland and my work. Work has been largely remote for a long time, but with time differences and resources I don't know if it would be possible to do my work from there.

But I also know how important his work is to him and I could never ask him to give it up. I'm so torn; I'm no longer 20 and don't meet incredible men every day, but I'm worried about uprooting my entire life. What do I do?

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Three things strike me about your letter: the false narrative around this trip, the practical issues and the relationship dynamic. The false narrative first: your partner moving for a year or two is not necessarily an “all or nothing” situation where you have to uproot your entire life. Long-distance relationships exist and work. You could go to South America for a few months, not necessarily the whole two years. You could visit a few times and then start having the conversations about moving more permanently. (I’m aware that I don’t even know what country we’re talking about or if you would be travelling across several countries and I’m really hoping you are clear on that, at least.)

These questions bring me to the practical issue: you simply do not have enough information to make any decision right now. You need to shift your thinking here. Right now, you are not making a decision. Right now, you are gathering information so you can later move towards making a decision. For example, “a year or two” – well, which is it? Could this be decided in advance? If it was for one year, could you both do long-distance? Could you ask your workplace about the possibility of working abroad? Is your work transferable, and could you get a similar job in South America? Or could you take a career break for a year and easily return to a job? If you did move, what would your life look like on a daily basis and does it sound appealing to you? And then, there are the questions about what happens after South America: do you both intend on returning to Ireland in the short- or long-term? What do you both envision for your future – marriage, family, travelling more, settling down in one place?

Concerning

You’ll notice that there are a few questions in that list that you can’t answer alone and need his input on, which brings me to the third glaring aspect of your letter: you seem to be assuming that not only do you need to make all the sacrifices in life, but also that you alone need to grapple with this decision. That is incorrect and concerning.

In your letter, you are struggling with big decisions – the decision to possibly give up your job, of moving far away from your family, of moving to a different continent. And yet your letter doesn’t indicate that you’re having ongoing conversations with your partner about the weight of these sacrifices or how he is supporting you. He could be giving you a clear-cut answer on how long he wants to stay there; he could be reaching out to his contacts to help you look at job options; he could be assuring you that he will do long-distance and you can both still make the relationship work if you decide not to move. Is he doing any of this? Is he making sure that this is a decision made jointly that incorporates both your needs and feels good to both of you? Are there constant, ongoing conversations about this decision or are you taking on all the burden and battling silently in your own head?

I’m also concerned about your assertion that while your work and family are obviously important to you, you’re contemplating leaving them – but you “could never” ask him to give up his work. Now, I do acknowledge that some people see their jobs just as a way to pay the bills and they may feel more flexibility around changing careers or workplaces, whereas for others, their work is their passion and vocation, so that can be a consideration. I’m also aware that you may be fine with the idea of having an adventure for a year or two and are willing to make a few sacrifices for that.

Potential dynamic

But I also want to acknowledge that there is a potential dynamic playing out in this relationship that a lot of women, especially those in heterosexual relationships, have experienced: the assumption that your career, your life goals, your needs are all somehow less important and more disposable than that of the men around you. Women are socialised to give more, to put others first, to value relationships over careers. And so I really want you to examine this dynamic of “he can ask me to give up everything but I couldn’t possibly ask the same of him”. Where is this idea coming from? Does the partnership actually feel equal and mutually supportive? How does that manifest itself, and how do you want it to play out in the future?

I don’t mean to sound judgmental of your partner. He may be a wonderful person who really needs to be in South America for the next few years. And if you haven’t been asking him any questions or starting conversations about your concerns, he may be unaware of how torn you are feeling. But you need to start talking to him about all the thoughts and concerns swirling around your head right now. You need to disrupt the dynamic where you are consumed by difficult decisions and understandable questions and anxiety-inducing concerns – and aren’t sharing them with him. This relationship has two people in it and you need to make big decisions like this together, acknowledging both of your needs, desires and fears. The silence right now will only breed dissatisfaction and resentment, and normalise a dynamic where your relationship doesn’t feel mutually supportive.

If this relationship is to last long term, you’re going to need to communicate clearly, accommodate the other person and make decisions together all the time. There is no better time to start.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford

[ irishtimes.com/dearroe ]