‘My partner’s depression is affecting our sex life’

Dear Roe,

I've looked everywhere for advice on what to do if it's the woman who wants sex and the man does not. I am a hypersexual woman in my 50s and my partner suffers from erectile dysfunction. At the start of our relationship we had a lot of sex. He has since slipped into depression for a series of family reasons, and sex became less and less frequent. I was fine with this; he was depressed, so of course he wasn't feeling sexy, but I then found out he was watching a lot of pornography. I confronted him and he said it helped him to feel sexual and that it will help him "get back to sex". This was four months ago and nothing has changed in the bedroom. If anything, we have even less sex. He knows I still want a sexual relationship and find him extremely attractive. How can I stop feeling rejected and betrayed?

I have written before that I believe everyone has the right to their own sexual relationship with themselves, and that it is rarely healthy or helpful to try to limit a partner’s enjoyment of masturbation and legal pornography (short of truly obsessive or abusive use). But looking at the issues underpinning the fear around a partner’s use of pornography can be very illuminating. Often it is much easier to argue about porn use than it is to have an honest, vulnerable discussion about the relationship as a whole, sex, insecurities, and in your case, mental health.

You immediately note a common gender myth around sex, that represents men as constantly desiring sex and women being less enthusiastic. Due to these pervasive stereotypes, it can feel vulnerable to be a woman initiating and being rejected for sex, as women can internalise the idea that they must be the problem. It’s understandable that you would feel insecure, frustrated and vulnerable. But it will be helpful to focus on the important issues here, and to remind yourself that your partner’s depression is not personal, nor a reflection of his feelings for you. Communication will be key for both of you.

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Depression is an extremely difficult experience in many ways, and often has a huge impact on libido and relationships. I highly recommend your partner see both a doctor and a therapist to get help for his mental health. If antidepressants are suggested, make sure your partner is honest about his libido and erectile issues, as some medications can exacerbate these problems. His doctor can take this into account.

There is a way of addressing your insecurities and need for validation without blaming or guilting your partner for his depression. Express that you love him, find him attractive and are there to support him – and that as you work through this difficult period together, you may need some support in the form of more explicit validation and some other forms of intimacy such as cuddling, massages, quality time, and, if he is interested, some non-penetrative sex acts. Could you both talk about a time your sex life was incredible? Could you watch some porn together? There are also sex toys specifically designed to help men with erectile issues if he wants to try. Ask each other what you need to feel supported and desired, and keep communicating with as much patience and empathy as you can. The best of luck.