‘My marriage struggled during the first lockdown ... I’m scared it won’t survive the second’

Dear Roe,

My husband and I got married at the start of the year. We both love our jobs and have always been quite busy, independent people, but we made time for each other. When Covid-19 hit, I essentially lost my job and my husband had to start working from home, with an increased workload. Our relationship just went downhill so rapidly. He works a lot, then wants to spend time playing video games. I was trying to keep myself busy around the house, and found myself snapping when he would leave clothes around the house. We both spent dinner time watching the news or looking at our phones. There was just this horrible distance that had never been there before.

Now that the new restrictions are in, I’m dreading the next few weeks. And then I feel so angry and guilty that I’m now dreading time with my new husband. I know we’re lucky in so many ways, and that us getting on each other’s nerves is a minor problem. But this is meant to be our honeymoon year! Please give me some advice on how to get through this period, I’m so scared our marriage won’t survive. I feel so lonely.

Here’s a thing about living through this pandemic: Usually, when we are going through something difficult in life, like losing a job or having relationship difficulties or surviving a horrific event, one of the most important ways that we process it is by telling our story. Psychologists and trauma specialists have long marked this as a vital component of mentally and emotionally healing from all kinds of trauma – telling your story, and feeling supported. It’s getting to turn to a friend or a partner and saying “You will not BELIEVE what happened to me!” – and getting to vent about every minor detail of the injustice of this personal crisis. It’s about getting to express our anxieties about the things keeping us awake at night. And it’s getting to feel heard, to feel seen, to feel validated, to feel like our stories matter.

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And I don’t think that’s happening, for any of us.

The fact that you are "lucky" in some ways does not mean that your experience is easy, or unimportant. This is not a zero-sum game

Sure, we’re all talking about Covid-19 endlessly – but we talk about it in the general, the collective. “How are you?” is answered with the sweeping “You know yourself”. We qualify our complaints with “But I’m lucky”, or “Same as everyone”. When one person talks about their specific challenges right now, everyone else chimes in with theirs. We aren’t getting the chance to express the specifics of our situation and to just get unequivocal moments of personalised support and validation. Instead, we’re all undermining ourselves and each other at every turn. And I’m genuinely concerned that this refusal to allow ourselves to tell our individual, specific stories; to feel heard on a personal, individual level, is collectively going to do us all such harm.

So first, I want you to know that your situation sounds really hard.

The fact that you are “lucky” in some ways, and the fact that other people are also grappling with the reality of Covid, does not mean that your experience is easy, or unimportant. This is not a zero-sum game.

Recognising your reality does not mean diminishing anyone else’s. And your reality is hard. You’re a person who values your job, values your relationship, values your independence, and all of those things have disappeared, or feel as if they’re disappearing. Over the past seven months, your life has gone from the dream to a nightmare. That is so difficult, and scary, and stressful, and I’m sorry.

You need to accept that your individual experience matters and deserves to be recognised. Because the second reason I’m stressing the importance of sharing our individual experiences and feelings and fears, is that you need to start doing this with your husband.

You and your husband have fallen into the Covid Communication Chasm. You are going through the motions without communicating about how you are feeling and what you need, and this emotional distance, combined with the stress of everything around you, is hurting you both as individuals, and as a couple.

So start talking.

First, ask your husband to listen as you tell him about your experience of the pandemic – as if he has never heard anything about it before. Get everything off your chest. Vent about your job, about missing your friends, about missing out on what you thought would be a blissful, fun, exciting first year of marriage. Tell your husband that you’ve been really anxious about these new restrictions, not only for all of the obvious reasons, but also because last time, you felt your relationship really suffered, and that you’re scared this will happen again. Then, ask him to do the same; to tell you about his experience of Covid, and his experience of your relationship during lockdown.

Validate your individual experiences; tell each other that the other has been through so much, that it sounds really difficult – because it’s true. Ask how you can support each other better. Listen to the answers. Try do what you can.

As you both address what was difficult about being together during lockdown last time, try to explain how you were both feeling, so you understand the nuance of what was going on with your partner – and then try come up with some solutions, together.

A recurring theme seems to be that you both need time for you to unwind as individuals, and you need quality, connected time together. So start talking about what you both need. He could need time to play video games to have some fun and escapism. This could be the time you go for a walk, listen to a podcast, call your friends and support system to make sure you’re also getting support elsewhere – whatever you need to recharge. But make sure that this time apart is balanced by quality time together. Turn off the phones during dinner so that you can actually talk and focus on each other. Pick out an activity to try together every weekend or every second evening so that you’re having new experiences together. Spend a few minutes together each evening doing a quick tidy of the house, so small messes don’t turn into an argument, but nor do they build up. Go to bed at the same time, so you get to feel close to one another. Before going to sleep, rate your day out of 10 and talk about what could bring that rating up by just one point the next day – and ask each other if you can help each other out with this boost.

These are action-based suggestions; adjust them to your needs, and focus on compromise. The important thing is to keep your lines of communication open. Keep talking to each other about what you’re feeling, and respect the other person’s experiences. Commit to recognising the other person’s unique needs, and tackling them as a team. Your experiences and emotions and needs don’t have to be the same, but they can be shared.

You’re in this both as individuals and as couple; you’re experiencing this pandemic in unique ways, but together. Start committing to that as an emotional experience, not just a physical one.