‘My girlfriend caught me masturbating and didn’t speak to me for weeks’

Dear Roe,

I’m a 33-year-old man who has been in a relationship with my girlfriend for five years. We have a really healthy sex life (five times a week would be the norm for us) and I love her very much – but I also love masturbating. 

I’d usually do it every morning after she leaves for work and once again before she gets home but we are now both working from home due to the coronavirus pandemic, giving me no chance to indulge in some “me time”.

I've found myself getting more stressed and tense in the past couple of weeks because my normal morning routine I've had for as long as I can remember has been disrupted. I know I may masturbate a little more than the average guy, so I'm worried what my girlfriend would think if I told her about my ways. She once caught me in the act and didn't speak to me for weeks.

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How do I tell her that I need both sex and self-love to be fully sexually and mentally content without upsetting her or her thinking I’m some kind of addict?

I am not generally a fan of the “People in the world are dying, therefore your comparatively small problem doesn’t matter” rhetoric, as is most often used as a smug and patronising way of shutting down people who dare to complain about their lives. It denotes a lack of empathy, and the pretence that people can’t care about more than one thing.

So believe me that I’m not taking that angle in this comment that I’d like to address directly to your girlfriend: People are dying, the world is a dystopia, we all need to indulge in any and all healthy, tension-releasing, pleasure-inducing activities we can right now, so for the love of all that is gloriously unholy, would you let your boyfriend masturbate in peace?

I’m actually being serious. Masturbation releases a number of wonderful hormones into your body including dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin, testosterone and prolactin, all of which can boost your mood and decrease anxiety. It’s not called self-pleasure for nothing. (Fun fact: in Irish, masturbation can be described as “féile lámha”, or “hand celebration”. It can also be described as “féin truailliú” or “self-pollution”.)

For many people, masturbation can provide relief from physical tension and anxiety, and masturbating at night can help people fall asleep. The physical and mental health benefits of masturbation are well documented, and at a time when everyone is stressed and fearful and anxious, and we’re not getting our usual rushes of happiness-increasing hormones from social and physical contact with other people, masturbation is a perfectly healthy, vital and quite literal form of self-care.

And even if there weren’t physical and mental health benefits to masturbation, and it weren’t solely about sexual pleasure? That would still be fine. Masturbation is perfectly natural, an activity most adults engage in, and not something that needs to be morally justified.

That’s my take on why people like yourself who are finding it hard to carve out some time and privacy to masturbate during lockdown should do so, and be open about this desire with their partners if needs be. But in your case what is deeply concerning is that your girlfriend is shaming and punishing you for masturbating at all, ever. She discovered you masturbating and didn’t speak to you for weeks?

In relationships, monogamous or not, partners should set boundaries around fidelity and sexual activities with others, for the wellbeing of everyone involved. But being in a relationship with someone does not mean your partner owns your sexuality. It does not mean they own your body. It does not mean they own your fantasies, or your sexual pleasure, or your masturbation habits. The fact that your girlfriend believes that – even though you have an active sex life – that you are not entitled to masturbate, or experience a facet of your sexual being without her, is controlling and unacceptable. That she punishes you by not speaking to you for weeks is another unacceptable act of control. Her refusal to communicate at all indicates she’s aiming not for understanding or resolution but to simply punish and exhaust you into obedience.

Your girlfriend can have her own feelings about masturbation and apply them to her own life. If she prefers not to masturbate and to only experience sexual pleasure with you, that’s her choice. I would personally prefer she examine the source of whatever shame or sex negativity that has led her to believe that masturbation is unacceptable, but, ultimately, what she does with her body is her choice. However, what you do with your body is not her choice. You have a right to bodily autonomy and to a sexual existence separate apart from her, and she must respect this.

There are situations where excessive masturbation becomes problematic in a relationship, but the masturbation is usually a side effect or the scapegoat, not the cause. You have a healthy sex life with your partner. You are not withholding sex from her. You are not masturbating in her presence without her consent. You are not doing anything wrong.

If you decide to stay with your girlfriend, you need to state clearly that just as you respect her right to masturbate (or not), and don’t believe that you own or get to control her sexuality, she must respect yours. She also must respect you as a person and as a partner, and does not get to punish and emotionally blackmail you by ignoring you for weeks. You simply cannot have a healthy relationship where she actively hates and tries to control your individual sexual desires and sexual being, which is what is happening.

You’ve been together five years, and your masturbation hasn’t negatively affected your sex life or your relationship. The only thing currently polluting your relationship is her attitude and desire to control you. It’s time to clear the air.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe. Only questions selected for publication can be answered