Dear Roe,
I am having trouble letting go of a guy I dated about 18 months ago. I thought he was amazing but he ghosted me after two months. I confronted him about this and he said it was because he was overwhelmed with a career change. When we were dating he told me things like he "couldn't meet anyone better" than me and was really full on. I got swept away by it all – we had a great connection and loads in common.
Since then, I have found it hard to meet someone I have the same spark with and I compare all men to him. I speak to him every few months and we are still connected on social media. I recently saw a post on Instagram with a new girl and asked if it was his girlfriend, which he said she wasn't. This was a bit of a low – it's not really my business if she's his girlfriend or not. I was mortified afterwards.
I find myself obsessing a bit and hoping he'll come around, knowing deep down that he probably won't. It's getting in the way of me meeting someone who will be good for me. I am doing a lot of work on myself lately and I feel like I'm at a place where I can accept love but I don't know how to meet the right person. My self-esteem is very poor, any relationships I've had with men have been either emotionally abusive or distant. I'd love to break this cycle.
You are incredibly brave. You have been through several emotionally abusive relationships, have just had a painful experience and yet you’re still working on yourself, trying to break unhealthy patterns, trying to make better choices. You’re still trying to find love for yourself and for others, and that’s commendable.
You say you’re “doing a lot of work” on yourself and I hope that includes going to therapy. Thinking about the emotional obstacles and self-esteem traps you’re facing is a part of growth and evolution, but sometimes without guidance we can get trapped thinking about these issues. Ironically, this can make us feel more stagnant and self-critical because we’re lingering in our perceived faults and not moving beyond them. It is important to have someone who can give you some emotional tools for interrupting negative thoughts and building up your self-esteem. You say that all of your relationships with men have been emotionally abusive or distant and I think it is vital for you to explore the reasons for this. Don’t underestimate how impactful being in abusive and neglectful relationships can be. Having some help recovering your sense of self-worth, reorienting and restoring it is going to be really important.
Ghosting a romantic partner is a cruel act that we should not normalise. It's a callous way of exerting power over someone
Essentially, what you need to do now is what those men did not: love and respect yourself. It’s both the most essential and the hardest thing many of us will ever do. But there’s a hack to getting started: act like you love and respect yourself. Even if you don’t feel it yet, take the actions. Think about your needs and start fulfilling them. This includes therapy and believing that everything you have gone through is worthy of being heard and supported, that you deserve to have time and professional help dedicated to helping you be the best version of yourself – and a supported version of yourself even when you’re not feeling your best.
Another action you can take is to start exercising self-compassion for yourself. Yes, exercising it like a muscle. Let’s look at how you’re framing this situation. This man swept you away with adoration before disappearing like a coward – instead of being a respectful, mature adult– before completely ignoring you instead of treating you like a human being who deserves explanations and clear communication. He created a dynamic where you would fall for him, then disappeared. Ghosting a romantic partner is a cruel act that we should not normalise. It’s a callous way of exerting power over someone, inflicting pain and confusion, and refusing to offer them an explanation. But instead of acknowledging that what he did was cruel, disrespectful and immature, you blame yourself for the crime of still thinking about him. You didn’t do anything wrong, yet you believe you are the problem.
I have my answer. I didn't do anything wrong. The way he left is a reflection on him, not me
You need to shift your thinking around this. When we are left without an answer, it is so easy to blame ourselves by thinking that we must not have been enough, we must have done something wrong. And when we are confused and hurt, it’s much harder to move on, much harder not to think about it constantly because we are, very understandably, looking for an answer. You asking him about his new girlfriend was you looking for an answer. That’s the most understandable instinct in the world.
Two things have to happen here. You have to start practising self-compassion and you have to realise that you have the answer, have always had the answer.
When you find yourself in a cycle of “obsessing” about him or being “mortified” by this very human moment, breathe. Think to yourself: “I have my answer. I didn’t do anything wrong. The way he left is a reflection on him, not me.” Keep saying it. Keep exercising that self-compassion like a muscle. But also, find yourself a therapist who will work with you on your self-esteem. Because this situation seems to be just one in a pattern of you finding men who take away your sense of self-worth, your power. There is a flawed belief system telling you that these men are what you deserve, that emotional abuse and distance is what you should settle for, that these men are the answer. And until you disrupt this belief system, you might keep repeating old patterns.
These men are not the answer. Loving yourself is the answer. Commit to doing the work of getting there.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford
If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe