My boyfriend wanted to keep his sexuality secret, but a colleague outed us. Now he won’t talk to me

Dear Roe,

I am a gay man in my late 30s. Last year through a work social group I met and became friends with a colleague from another part of the organisation. He is 28, very funny, intelligent and great company. He has had girlfriends before but was so keen on being friends I wondered if something was up. One night after a party he told me he had strong feelings for me and kissed me. We had long discussions after. He told me he had not been with a man before but had intense feelings for me.

However, he didn’t want people to know about us. He acknowledged that this wasn’t fair on me but I felt these things are hard so he was entitled to some time to work things out. Our relationship became very intense over the next few months. I have been in relationships before but never with such strong mutual care and attraction. Then lockdown came. We were spotted out walking by a colleague who spread rumours that we were having an affair. My boyfriend panicked.

He says now he is not sure he is gay and has become very uncommunicative, something worsened by the fact that he has gone to live with his family on the other side of the country. I miss him terribly. I don’t know what to do. I am fairly certain he is predominantly gay but know that people can stay in denial about this for ages. I would like to help him as he has no one to talk to but I am not an objective friend as I would like us to resume our romantic relationship. I am already late in settling down so should I just move on, given his age and uncertainty or should I, given the strong love and shared interests we have, do something to try to rescue the relationship?

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There’s so much about this situation that is sad, the first of which is your colleague’s judgmental assertion that you and this man were having an “affair”. Now, either you have failed to mention that one or both of you are in committed relationships with other people, or this colleague is choosing to treat your relationship like it is inherently wrong or scandalous because both of you are men. I am sorry that your colleague’s disrespect has caused you so much stress. You could consider emailing them and asking that they keep any conversations about you purely professional and refrain from spreading innuendo-laden gossip about your personal life.

You could also consider addressing this issue with HR. This man obviously isn’t out at work, and so colleagues gossiping and speculating about his sexuality as well as using loaded terms like “affair” should not be taken lightly.

I understand that the other man may not want to be involved in these conversations, but even for you and any other LGBTQA people in your workplace, it’s important that your employer does not tolerate this: people’s sexuality should not be treated as entertaining gossip, especially not in a workplace environment.

I am deeply sorry for how this situation unfolded, but what it demonstrates is something that you knew already: you and this man weren’t going to be able to keep your relationship a secret forever.

Healthy relationships

If you two were going to have any form of normal, healthy relationship, you would have inevitably bumped into someone you know. Scratch that: if you two were going to have any form of normal, healthy relationship, you would have been actively introducing each other to and socialising with people you know. Healthy relationships don’t involve hiding and being ashamed of your partner.

Unfortunately, of course, we live in a society that is still heterocentric, still homophobic, and many gay, bisexual and queer people are still forced to hide their desires and relationships because they justifiably do not feel safe or supported coming out.

You are aware of this, which is why you have so much empathy for this man and have been supporting him and loving him through his fear and uncertainty and his confusion. But I worry that you’ve been so focused on being empathic and attendant to his needs that you’ve been neglecting your own. You understood that he needed time to come to terms with his feelings and so you agreed to hide your relationship – but where was the understanding that you would need an end point to this hiding, to respect your feelings and yourself?

You understood that he has only had relationships with women and so would need time and patience navigating this new facet of his life and sexuality – but where was the understanding that you have already had several relationships with men, and are now looking to settle down and exploring that new chapter in your life? You understand that he’s struggling and this is why he has become uncommunicative – but where is his understanding that you two have had an intense, loving relationship for months, and him suddenly disappearing is deeply unfair and painful to you?

I believe your relationship had many wonderful qualities – but perhaps “mutual care” was not one of them. You were accounting for and caring for all of his needs, and yet he was not doing the same for you.

Not ready

Your empathy is beautiful and understandable under the circumstances – but sometimes empathy without any boundaries can be self-destructive. You want to settle down, and it’s clear that this man is not ready for that type of relationship. You have already given a lot to him, and moving forward you can understand his struggle, you can empathise with him, you can even still love him – and you can recognise that he, and this relationship, are not right for you.

You are in two very different places in your life and relationship needs. Wish him well figuring out his needs, and respect your own by being with someone who is where you are: proud of who you are, and ready to create a loving, equal partnership where your love is respected and celebrated.

Meanwhile, the rest the world - your colleagues included - clearly have more work to do to make sure everyone, regardless of sexual orientation, feels respected and celebrated too.