My boyfriend is perfect, but I have a crush on a co-worker

Dear Roe,

I'm a 24 year old woman and I have the most amazing boyfriend – he's handsome, kind and successful. He really is one of the best. He really cares for me and we have so much in common. But I find myself having a big crush on a co-worker. We don't get to see one another in person with remote work, but I find myself getting butterflies whenever I see him online. He lives down the road from me, so I see him on occasion, but we wouldn't go out of our way to meet up at all. It's more of a daydream, but he is just my type. The co-worker has a girlfriend now, but we had lovely chats in the past when he was single and I was still in a relationship. I have a suspicion that there is a spark between us, but it could be all in my head. Any advice for continuing my lovely relationship and letting go of all those other potential soulmates that I can't chase anymore?

I love your last sentence, because you invoke the almighty “soulmate”, this idea of destiny and having one perfect person to fulfil all your needs – and yet you note the possibility of “all those other potential soulmates”, hinting that you do, on some level, believe what I also believe: there is no single perfect person for everyone. There is no “The One”. Instead, there are a lot of people who are a 0.79 or a 0.83 and maybe, if you’re very lucky, some people in the 0.9 range – and you decide who to be with. You decide what relationship to work on. You decide what great person to round up so they can be The One.

And when you round up a person to The One, guess what? All the other great people don’t stop existing. They don’t stop being really attractive and smart and funny. They don’t stop being wonderful, sexy, butterfly-inducers. If you put yourself under the pressure of never crushing on anyone else, or believing that something is wrong with your relationship because you find an attractive person attractive, you are dooming your relationship from the start. Attraction isn’t all or nothing; you can find someone else attractive while loving your boyfriend.

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People can be wonderful, and you can still want to leave

So don’t worry too much about your co-worker. He is just a romantic red herring; an attractive man in a relationship who you don’t intentionally spend much time with. Right now, he’s not a real option or threat to your relationship. So enjoy your butterflies.

But pay attention to how much you are drawn to the siren call of other potential The Ones, if it feels particularly strong all the time. If so, maybe the issue isn’t this particular co-worker but that maybe, you just want some freedom right now. Trust my ancient hag self when I say that 24 is young. Your boyfriend could be absolutely wonderful – and you could maybe want to not have a serious boyfriend right now. People can be wonderful, and you can still want to leave. You can want to be single, or you can want something different. Over a lifetime, the type of people you decide to invest in and round up to The One might change, because you change.

Throughout your life, the only one real, constant, unconditional, unleavable One in your life is you. Invest in getting to know you, understanding what you want, and respecting that.