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‘My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex when I have my period’

Ask Roe: ‘The idea of nonreciprocal sexual activity just feels off’

‘Am I right to find this a bit weird and selfish?’ Photograph: Getty

Roe McDermott's face
Roe McDermott
Sun Nov 4 2018 - 07:00

Dear Roe,

I’m a 28-year-old woman, dating a man for four months. It started off casually but is getting more serious, and I like him. But recently, we were having sex and I didn’t realise that my period had come early. Though he said he wanted to continue, he acted weird about it and went to the bathroom immediately after to “clean off” (even though he was wearing a condom).

This didn't make me feel great, but I do understand that some men get a bit squeamish, and so didn't think too much of it. However, a couple of nights later when we were hanging out again, he said he would prefer not to have sex during my period – and then made a "joke" about him getting to enjoy some one-sided oral sex for a week. This really didn't sit well with me.

The idea of nonreciprocal sexual activity just feels off. Am I right to find this a bit weird and selfish?

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I’m going to start off by flipping this situation on its head somewhat. If you, a woman, decided that you found the natural bodily secretions of a man to be so disgusting that you felt dirty after sex, and were determined to never come into contact with them, I would not be advising you to have sex right now.

I would be telling you to examine your sense of disgust around a man’s body, and sex itself, and telling you that it is unfair to have sex with someone if you find their body inherently disgusting.

I would also tell you that you were allowed draw boundaries. For example, if you are having sex with a man, you need to be comfortable with the fact that he will ejaculate, and that even when using condoms, there may be some other forms of physical contact with it, and that’s fine.

However, contrary to the onslaught of pornography insisting otherwise, you do not have to let him do so on you face or in your mouth.

That kind of boundary isn’t about rejecting their body or avoiding contact with them; it’s making a choice not to engage in a very particular, intimate – and in the case of ejaculate, potentially health-risking – form of interaction with their body. It’s rejecting an activity, not the person.

The reason this man’s assertion that he doesn’t want to have sex with you during your period feels off for you is because he is rejecting your menstruating body, and any contact with it, and that is different.

His request for nonreciprocal oral sex also feels off because it's demonstrating no desire to explore other ways to bring you sexual pleasure

Now, if he wants to draw a boundary around oral sex when you have your period, fine. That is a particularly intimate form of contact that he might not be comfortable with.

But rejecting having sex with you while you’re on your period, even while using a condom, is different. Menstrual blood doesn’t come with the risk of pregnancy or STIs, so he isn’t avoiding it for health reasons.

This is purely about a sense of disgust around your period, and a lack of desire on his part to get over it. For an adult man who wants to have sex with women, it’s not mature or healthy.

But it is common, and his disgust is supported by society. From adverts that are so terrified of blood that they demonstrate tampons and sanitary pads with blue wiper fluid; to women not daring to mention our periods in public; to women enduring pain and severe medical problems like endometriosis because they’re taught not to complain, acknowledge the realities of our bodies, periods are still treated like they are inherently disgusting and shameful and it needs to stop.

What’s particularly difficult about your partner’s attitude is that while he’s asserting that he can’t see your body as sexual during your period, he still expects you to be available to sexually pleasure him. He’s rejecting your body while feeling entitled to it. Of course that feels “off”.

I think you have two realistic options, and both involve speaking to him.

You can explain to him that his sense of disgust around menstrual blood makes you feel rejected, and does feel unfair and rooted in a fear around women’s bodies that you would like him to work on.

All conversations about and experiences with each other's bodies have to start with respect

You could talk about ways that you can both feel more comfortable, including trying barriers.

If it’s the sight of blood that makes him uncomfortable, maybe he’d slowly become more comfortable if you tried a few times with the lights off, so he can see that sex doesn’t feel different (and can indeed be more pleasurable because of the added lubrication.)

Or you can accept that he isn’t into oral or penetrative sex while you have your period - and you can both get more imaginative. His request for nonreciprocal oral sex also feels off because it’s demonstrating no desire to explore other ways to bring you sexual pleasure.

Maybe a lovely and fun result from this experience is that you both will start some important conversations about your bodies and pleasure.

But all conversations about and experiences with each other’s bodies have to start with respect. Remember that you deserve that.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies from San Francisco State University. She is researching a PhD in gendered and sexual citizenship at the Open University and Oxford

If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer, you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe

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