Dear Roe,
I’m in my mid-30s, extremely independent with a great job, my own home, good friends and hobbies. I’ve been single for 10 years and now I’m lonely. I would like to meet someone to share my life with. I’m tired of events where I’m the only single person. I haven’t had a holiday in over a year because I’ve grown tired of doing these things by myself. I’ve tried online dating and met some friends of friends; I’ve met some interesting people but ultimately none that I’d like to enter a relationship with. I feel over time the potential for meeting someone on these sites is diminishing, and I spend periods off them as I don’t think they’re doing my mental health much good.
Over the last number of years, I'd planned to have a child by myself if still single at this stage, but have realised now this isn't something I want to do. I enjoy my lifestyle and prefer nights in or dinners out with friends rather than the clubbing scene. Other than paying for an expensive matchmaking agency, what other avenues do you recommend?
I am a rabid defender of many things that are deeply undervalued by society, one of which is being single. If it were up to me, the question “Why are you still single?” would be banned, assuming as it does that being in a long-term monogamous relationship is our default state when the opposite is true, and that being single is somehow evidence of a character defect.
So I absolutely feel your frustration when you experience how society at large and individuals structure their lives around couples, making single people feel they’re inferior and somehow less worthy unless they’re serving the goals of both a couple and society’s love of the nuclear family.
However, are you sure you’re not perpetuating the same value system, about others and yourself?
It can be easy to create exacting standards for your ideal partner, picturing how they would seamlessly fit into your life, improving it without disrupting it
Right now, you’re experiencing your entire life through the lens of loss, identifying yourself as being Unhappily Single, living your life with a constant sense that a partner is missing from the equation, believing a partner would magically make everything worthwhile – travelling, events, child-rearing. To a certain extent, that’s understandable. You want love. Most of us do. But instead of letting this desire open you up, you’re shutting down.
You’ve stopped appreciating experiences for their own sake, focusing solely on the fact that, because you’re alone, these experiences do not fulfil the checklist of exactly what you think they should be. And I suspect you may have stopped appreciating people for the same reasons, discounting them because they do not immediately fill the checklist you have created for your imagined future partner and life.
It’s a tricky thing to navigate life as someone who is extremely independent, has been single for a long time, but who also has a deep desire for a partner. It can be easy to create exacting standards for your ideal partner, picturing how they would seamlessly fit into your life, improving it without disrupting it. After being single for so long, it could seem silly not to hold on a bit longer for someone who meets these exacting standards.
Now, high standards are great – I whole-heartedly recommend them. But when it comes to human beings, exacting standards are limiting. They not only depend on making snap judgments of people, but they presume you know exactly what type of person you want, what type of person is good for you, what type of relationship will be fulfilling for you; and that only that one exact, lifelong relationship is worth having.
You're approaching people and quickly deciding they won't make the perfect life partner, and so aren't worth even trying to connect with romantically.
This brings me to another thing I would outlaw in my ideal world: the attitude that insists that only long-term, “Till Death Do Us Part”, monogamous relationships are the only type worth valuing, overlooking both the inherent beauty and potential for personal growth that shorter relationships offer. And I think you may have internalised this attitude.
The fact you haven’t had a single relationship for 10 years despite an active social and dating life where you meet interesting people implies you could be making very quick assumptions about people without giving them a chance. You say you want to share your life with someone, but you haven’t even tried sharing a few months with someone. Like the holidays you view as worthless just because they have a partner-shaped absence, you also won’t embrace people or relationships on their own merits, allow yourself to be present with them, to find the beauty in them. Instead, your mind immediately rushes to “Doesn’t fulfil checklist. Not worth my time. Next.”
You’re approaching people and quickly deciding they won’t make the perfect life partner, and so aren’t worth even trying to connect with romantically. You want it all, immediately and perfectly – but that’s not how relationships work. They grow. They stumble. You put work in. They keep growing. You know this. Every actual lifelong relationship started with being together for a few months. And then there are people who think they’ve met their perfect match, but break up six months in. You won’t know until you try.
Stop fearing the end of relationships. Embrace the idea of the experience, no matter how long. Enjoying short-term interactions and relationships as a way of making you appreciate people’s individual charms and beauty, instead of solely evaluating them according to your personal end-goal.
Brief relationships give you the chance to learn about yourself, to navigate people’s communication styles, to acknowledge the aspects of your personality that might need work. Flings allow you to witness different people’s passions, connect with different emotional states. They can help you become clearer on what qualities you really value, and ones you have maybe under-prioritised. Given you haven’t had a relationship in 10 years, I think all of these possibilities are important to explore. No one is exactly the same at 35 as they are at 25 (thank goodness).
Finally, short relationships can make you feel more hopeful and empowered, as you view people not as endless disappointments but fully rounded human beings with whom you could share a lovely experience, or leave when you need to. You’ll experience being single not as a permanent, flawed state, but a temporary one you’ll appreciate more for its interruptions. And you might end up getting serious with someone unexpected, someone who you would have written off on first impression.
You are extremely independent, so you know you are the boss of your own life, that you make the decisions that affect you. Choose not to shut down your heart, and life’s possibilities.
Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer (max 200 words), you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe. Only questions selected for publication can be answered.
