‘I’m in a long-distance relationship and now dread our phone call every night’

Dear Roe,

I’m a man based in Ireland and have been in a relationship with an Irish woman living in the UK for nearly a year-and-a-half. We’re serious about each other and before Covid we would usually travel to see each other once or twice a month, and go on holidays. The long-term plan is either for me to move over there or for us both to move to Dublin. Both of these options were based around where we could get jobs, so that’s up in the air now. We haven’t seen each other since March, and obviously aren’t sure when we can safely see each other. I love her and have no problem waiting out this time, but our conversations are getting really strained and a bit boring (which feels mean to say, but I mean it about both of us.) We used to easily spend all day texting and would talk on the phone at night for hours, but now it’s getting really hard to keep a conversation going. I’m starting to dread coming up with conversation topics every night. Any advice for how to keep things going?

Let’s look at how your life has changed since Covid. You used to hop on flights once or twice a month. I’m guessing you, your partner, or both of you have either started working from home or have had your jobs severely affected. As your partner is originally from Ireland, she’s likely seeing her family a lot less than she did. You used to see your friends more. You used to socialise, go out, there were plans for the future that seemed tangible. There were job options.  There were possibilities. And it’s all different now; all replaced with constraints and uncertainty and a new, deeply limited way of living.

And of course it’s not just you; everyone is operating differently. We’re working from home, or not at all. We’re working and parenting, or trying to, or simply screaming into our pillows at the Herculean effort even the attempt takes. Lots of single people or people living on their own are going weeks, months without ever being touched in any way; going without sex, going without the sense of connection they usually get from dating or from seeing their friends. We’re all struggling to cope, and learning that this new reality has different rules, and we need to operate within it differently.

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So, I ask you this with respect: why on earth would you expect your relationship to be exempt from these transformations? You have to stop putting pressure on your relationship to be the exact same as it was before Covid, for your communication levels to be the same. Your relationship, like every other facet of your life, may have to shift and change in order to work for you both right now. And that’s okay. It’s healthy.

Adapting to new circumstances so that everyone can sustain themselves is a far better option than trying to cling on to a pre-Covid model that makes you both feel exhausted, drained and resentful.

And of course you’re exhausted. You’re still trying to talk to your partner on the phone for hours every night? I’m exhausted just thinking about that. Talking on the phone for hours is an intensive, focused form of communication, which neither of you seem to be acknowledging.

I had the house to myself for two days last week and nearly wept with relief just because I didn't have to make small-talk

If you’re hanging out with someone in person or even living with them, you don’t talk to them every second you’re around them. There are natural conversation breaks and comfortable silences. You can be together but focused on different things, whereas phone conversations often require you to talk non-stop for hours. That’s a lot to ask of yourselves right now.

I live with wonderful, kind, endlessly interesting people who I love dearly – but I had the house to myself for two days last week and nearly wept with relief just because I didn’t have to make small-talk. Life in a Covid world is weird and stressful and exhausting. On top of that, it’s really boring, in a way they rarely show in dystopian cinema. Our interactions with the world are deeply limited, our leisure activities diminished, our social interactions curtailed. We’re getting constant stress but not enjoyable stimulation. And you’re wondering why your daily, hours-long conversations with one person who you haven’t had any shared experiences with for months aren’t as fun and interesting as they once were? Of course they’re not!

Both of you need to stop putting pressure on yourselves to perform. Because that is what you’re doing. If you’re exhausted and feel uninteresting, and don’t want to talk but are still requiring each other to buck up and try be an entertaining conversationalist for hours every night, you are asking each other to perform, instead of respecting your emotional states and admitting you need a rest. Your relationship will not come to an end if you don’t have lengthy phone calls every day – but your patience and emotional energy might. When it comes to your interactions with your partner, you’re currently focusing on and prioritising quantity over quality, and this needs to change to be sustainable.

You can easily keep in touch daily in less time- and energy-consuming ways

Tell your partner that you love her, but you – like the rest of the world – are feeling the strain of Covid and would like to scale back on the long daily phone calls to talking every two or three days so that when you do speak, it’s more rested, engaged, quality-focused conversations. You can easily keep in touch daily in less time- and energy-consuming ways. Text each other, leave each other short voice notes, send each other funny tweets and memes, links to interesting articles, songs you enjoy. Use the extra hours every night to rest, to read, to watch documentaries, to listen to podcasts, to do whatever it is that brings you joy as individuals, lets you recharge – and also will give you something to talk about the next time you do speak.

Also have some phonecalls that are focused on experiencing something together, rather than just chatting. Call each other, put your phones on speaker and watch a film or a show at the same time, so you can react to it together; or play an online video game together.  Many museums are offering virtual tours that you could take together, or pick out a YouTube craft tutorial or cooking video and try it together over video chat. If you’re so inclined, read each other poetry, play each other music or try draw each other’s portrait via video chat. This shift into quality, experience-focused time “together” will facilitate more intimacy and happy memories than constant, strained conversations.

You’ll get through this. You just need to give yourselves a break, literally and figuratively.