I keep obsessing over people who are already in relationships

Dear Roe,

I am a gay man who has had one long-term relationship. This was recently ended by my former partner, leaving me with feelings of hurt and rejection. I have developed obsessive thoughts about gay people I know who are attractive and kind but who are in committed relationships. Part of the narrative in my head is that I could be in a relationship with the person if my former partner had not dragged out our relationship when he was no longer invested in it. I feel ashamed that I am fantasising about the break-up of other people’s relationships. How can I get rid of these pointless obsessions?

Obsession is about invention. When we obsess over something, we are projecting and inventing a story about them, filling in the gaps with a narrative of our own creation. This person has the perfect life. This person is perfect for me. This person could make my life perfect.

You have been hurt by someone you loved, someone who you were with for a long time and who “dragged out” a relationship even when they weren’t treating you with love and care. The reality you have experienced is that love is difficult and painful, and you’re still struggling to heal from this; struggling to hold onto hope that you will find love again; struggling to believe that really trying to date again could possibly be worth the vulnerability, the work, the risk.

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Confronted with that possibility, you have instead disappeared into obsessions – and it’s no coincidence that you are obsessing over people who are already in relationships. You are looking at people who have already been vetted, who seem capable of love and commitment and treat their partners well. Someone else (ie, the partners of your obsessions) has done all the work of finding good, decent people who are ready for a loving relationship, so that you don’t have to. All you have to do, your obsessive narrative tells you, is to swoop in and reap all the benefits.

Your obsession makes sense. You’re scared of a new relationship, scared of the risk, and are trying to skip it. The invention, however, is believing that these people are perfect generally, and right for you specifically, just because they’re capable of being in a committed relationship. The invention is that you’ll never have to try, to risk, to be vulnerable; that by hacking the system and stealing a good partner from someone else, you’ll be safe.

And the obsessions are another form of safety net themselves; by focusing on people who are unavailable, you get to ignore the literally hundreds of thousands of people who are available. You get to hide in your obsessions instead of opening your heart up to people who may actually want to date, to try, to eventually love you.

These obsessions are understandable – and are keeping you from what you really want: to find love again. Real, caring, trusting love; the love you wanted with your ex and didn’t get. Your ex prevented you from finding the love you deserve. Don’t let your obsessions do the same thing. If you think it would be helpful, find a therapist to talk through your relationship and heartbreak. Work on healing, on accepting that one relationship does not define you, or love, or the future. Work towards being brave enough to try again. Work towards something real. It will be terrifying, and worth it.