I hate my girlfriend’s weight gain – and she hates my comments about it

Dear Roe,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year now and at the beginning of our relationship she was a normal weight and she was really attractive, but now she has gained a lot of weight and because of that she started putting on pounds of make-up (which made her skin age a bit even though we are both in our 20s), and her whole personality changed after she gained weight. She started getting pissed-off all the time and she wasn’t being nice at all, and I think it’s because of her weight gain. I’ve given her hints that she should lose weight but she always thinks I’m trying to hurt her. I don’t feel sexually aroused when I see her unless I’m already aroused by something else. After orgasming I don’t see her as a sexy woman any more. What should I do?

First things first: drop the word “normal” from your vocabulary about bodies. There is no “normal”. There are just bodies, the people who inhabit them, and our own limited expectations.

There are average weights for a person’s height, but these averages change over time and are not – as many people mistakenly believe – an indicator of health. Skinny people can be deeply unhealthy, fat people can be healthy, and BMI (body mass index) is an essentially useless tool that we give far much credence to. Several studies from UCLA and Harvard have determined that BMI is not an indicator of health, and even Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet, the man who invented the BMI system, never intended it to be used as a measurement of health. He was a mathematician, not a physician, and yet our understandings of bodies has been completely warped by what is essentially a 200-year-old hack.

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And no matter a person’s size, health is not a moral virtue. Being healthy doesn’t make you more worthy of respect than someone who is not, and yet this sense of ableism and discrimination and judgment is still somehow socially acceptable.

Completely warped

Our perception of what an “average body” looks like is also completely warped, thanks to the over-representation of slim and skinny people across media and pop culture. And if a body is above an average weight, that doesn’t make it abnormal. It makes it incredibly normal – by definition, a large proportion of people need to have bodies whose size or weight is above average. Essentially, every body deserves respect, and every body has far more in common with every other body around it than it has differences.

So, let’s start again: Your girlfriend has put on weight, and is still a normal weight. Now what?

Your girlfriend knows she has put on weight. She is not somehow oblivious to the reality of her own body, and thanks to your “hints”, she is also not unaware of your judgment of it. It also appears that she has made it abundantly clear that your comments are hurting, so please stop making them. Think about what you’re doing: you are actively trying to make your girlfriend feel bad about herself, in the hopes that your obvious disgust towards makes her feel so ashamed that she stops eating and changes her body. This is horrifying on many levels. Shaming people about their body does not cause weight loss, it just causes stress and pain, both of which can negatively impact physical and mental health.

Self-esteem

You are actively, deliberately trying to lower your girlfriend’s self-esteem and impact her well-being – and then are confused as to why she’s angry, not being as nice to you, and using make-up to feel a bit more attractive. What a mystery.

You need to decide which you care more about: your girlfriend as a person or your girlfriend as a body that exists to be attractive to you. This isn’t a trap, this is a real choice: decide what is important to you. Be honest with yourself. Plenty of people think looks and body type are the one of the most important qualities in a partner.

Plenty of people prioritise physical attraction over personal connection. If you have a partner who is okay with that and shares this value, happy days – whatever works for you. But this situation right now is not working. Because right now, you are treating your girlfriend as a body that solely exists to be attractive, and that is failing you. And if you intend to continue treating her like this, you should end this relationship now. She should not have to be subjected to your judgments and attacks on her self-esteem, and be deprived of the opportunity to be loved and respected as she is. So if appearances are your priority, leave, and find someone who is as invested in this body type-based value system as you are.

Apology

But if you want to start treating your girlfriend as an actual person, a person you love, a person you want to reconnect with, start with an apology. Apologise for your comments about her body, and for not being supportive and affectionate. And do what you have not done: ask her how she feels. Ask her how she feels about your comments and your relationship. Ask her how she feels emotionally and physically. Sudden weight gain can be a sign of depression, stress or certain illnesses, but remember that weight gain can also be a sign of a medication doing its job, or a person overcoming disordered eating, or a person fuelling their body in a way they were not. Weight gain can be a positive for many people, but your negativity has eclipsed these possibilities. Ask her how she feels.

And ask her how you can support her. If she is happy with her body, start offering her more validation, more affection, more respect. If she is emotionally struggling, help her find a therapist, encourage her to reach out to friends, and commit to being more attentive partner. If she wants to lose weight – for herself, not for you – ask her how you can support her without pressuring her.

No matter what you do, please read some work by body-positive activists and start changing your media intake so that you are exposed to different types of beauty in your daily life. Learn to respect and appreciate people with different body types – you may even start appreciating many different types of beauty and attractiveness. Remember that in every relationship, people will get sick, they’ll suffer injuries, their appearances will change with haircuts and make-up and trends and the inevitable signs of aging will affect us all. And valuing people for who they are as people will enrichen your relationships not only with romantic partners, but with the world at large.