I am in a long-distance relationship but am falling for my friend

Dear Roe,  

My partner and I are in a long-distance relationship (and will be for the foreseeable future). I have recently moved and have got a great new social circle.

One friend is in a similar situation, with a long-term partner also living abroad. He and I have been spending more and more time together recently. Initially I thought it was because we were both slightly lonely and missing our significant others, but as time passed, we are getting closer and closer and I am beginning to feel attracted to him.

We get along really well, hang out several times a week, but it is starting to get a little flirty and I am afraid of what might happen. I have not spoken specifically to my partner about this one friend, and have avoided mentioning his name too much as I am afraid he will get jealous.

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To quote a line from one of the greatest TV shows ever made, Fleabag, uttered by one of the greatest actresses to ever grace our screens, Fiona Shaw, “You already know what you’re going to do. Everybody does.”

To lay my cards on the table, I’m far from a cynic regarding long-distance relationships; I’ve had them myself and find those who look down on them or view them as less valid than other relationships are simply exposing their own biases or limited views of the possibilities of relationships.

I have absolute faith that long-distance relationships can work, and I have absolute faith that a relationship can survive one or both partners having a crush

I also firmly believe that having crushes on people outside your relationship is absolutely natural, and can even be a positive force in many dynamics. Acknowledging that you and your partner both find other people attractive is to acknowledge your humanity; it eliminates secrecy and shame; and also reminds you both that out of all the gorgeous, sexy, crush-worthy people in the world you could be pursuing right now, you have still chosen each other.

In general, sweeping terms, I have absolute faith that long-distance relationships can work, and I have absolute faith that a relationship can survive one or both partners having a crush.

But here’s the caveat: I believe that surviving both is hugely dependent on the people in the relationship having truly excellent communication skills, being very honest with each other, and acknowledging that long-distance relationships come with unique challenges that will continue to need specific care and attention. And from your description of this situation, I don’t see any of these qualities at play.

Indeed, from your letter, it seems your relationship with your “friend” has now transcended being a crush and either is already or is mere moments away from becoming a full-blown emotional affair. Your shared situation created emotional intimacy, you hang out as regularly as people who are dating would, and your interactions are flirty. But the two most important lines in your letter get to the heart of this issue: “I am afraid of what might happen. I have not spoken specifically to my partner about this one friend.”

You aren’t afraid of what might happen – you know what’s going to happen. If you continue to interact with this man the way you have been, you are going to cheat on your partner. You already know what you’re going to do. And because you know what you’re going to do, and because you want to do it, you’re avoiding anything that could prevent this from happening – which is why you are lying to your partner about this man, so that he won’t be able to recognise that boundaries are being crossed, express his discomfort, and throw a wrench in your not-entirely-conscious but absolutely-present desire and plan to cheat.

You’re not just afraid your boyfriend “will get jealous” – you’re afraid that you’ll have to deal with his (completely justified) jealousy by asking you to set boundaries with your friend, and you don’t want to do that. You aren’t protecting your boyfriend, you’re protecting yourself.

Now, I understand your situation, I do. Long-distance relationships can be hard and lonely. You miss out on physical intimacy, communication can be harder, time zones make scheduling quality conversation difficult, you don’t get to experience life together in the way couples who are physically together do. And on top of this, you’ve moved to a new place, where everything’s shiny and new and filled with possibility. To then meet someone attractive and fun who truly understands this experience and is physically present with you, able to share new experiences with you? Of course that’s temptation-fuelled. This man is filling very natural needs that your boyfriend cannot right now.

But just as you know what you’re going to do, you know what you don’t want to do. You don’t want to be the person who cheats. That’s why you’re struggling, that’s why you’re asking for advice. You need to respect your feelings – all of them, even the ones you’re ashamed of. Respect your loneliness, your desire, your attraction to other people.

Respect the reasons that have brought you to this place. And talk to your boyfriend about them. It’s likely he understands these feelings completely, and addressing them will make your relationship more honest – no matter where the conversation takes you.

I will say that should you break up with your partner, there's no guarantee that your friend will break up with his

You could decide to be more honest with each other and it could bring you closer. You could discuss how to set boundaries with people you find attractive, including your friend. You could decide that having an open relationship while you navigate long-distance could allow you to be together while not feeling as lonely or resentful. You could decide that ending the relationship – temporarily or permanently – is the best thing for both of you, and comes not out of a lack of affection, but a respect for your mutual needs and desires.

I will say that should you break up with your partner, there’s no guarantee that your friend will break up with his; and should one or both of you cheat in order to be together, it’s not going to bode well for trusting each other in the future. So don’t do this for him. Do it for yourself.

Right now, you already know what you’re going to do. But you can change the outcome by changing your situation. It starts by being honest. Trust me, it’ll feel much better than how you feel now.

Roe McDermott is a writer and Fulbright scholar with an MA in sexuality studies. If you have a problem or query you would like her to answer (max 200 words), you can submit it anonymously at irishtimes.com/dearroe. Only questions selected for publication can be answered.